Before I Die

Tessa’s father and Cal set off fireworks on their lawn, while Tessa and her mother watch them. Tessa reveals to her mother that the next item on her list is to become famous. Tessa’s mother tells Tessa’s father, who becomes distressed. Tessa retreats to the house and watches her parents comfort one another. She has an eerie feeling of already being a ghost and watching the living go about their business.

To get over it, Tessa goes to Adam’s house. She wants to be more than friends. When they kiss against the side of his house, she blooms: “I feel absolutely alive” (176). 

Tessa accompanies Zoey for a preliminary abortion consultation. She has morbid thoughts about the baby in Zoey’s womb, comparing it to a mouse that she found caught in a trap the previous night. She reflects that when Zoey emerges from the consultation, she will “understand what I already know – that death surrounds us all” (182).

As Tessa chats with Zoey in the waiting room, we learn that Tessa and Adam came close to having sex last night, but Adam’s mother interrupted them. Adam has not been in touch since.

In order to satisfy the “fame” requirement on Tessa’s list—and perhaps also to regain control over his wayward daughter—Tessa’s father pulls strings with some work connections to get Richard Green, a popular radio host, to interview Tessa about her illness on his show.

The interview is in all ways a disappointment. Despite his fame, Green is a rumpled and ordinary-looking man, and he is impatient and abrupt toward Tessa. He cuts their interview short when she goes off-script, describing her list and a few of the rebellious things that she has done. Instead of being angry with her, Tessa’s father muses optimistically that her appearance on the show might compel listeners to donate money to their family, which they could use for more advanced hospital treatments in the United States. 

It is Christmas Day. Tessa’s parents spent the previous night together and are now silly and slightly drunk. While Tessa has hoped that they would reconcile, she finds herself embarrassed by their behavior.

Adam and his mother Sally come over for Christmas dinner. The dinner is awkward at first, due to Sally’s odd and preoccupied manner and the tension between Adam and Tessa. However, the tension soon dissolves, with everyone at the table pulling Christmas firecrackers, then reading the jokes written on slips of paper inside them. Adam and Tessa quietly reconcile by touching limbs beneath the dinner table.

Zoey surprises the gathering by coming in and announcing her pregnancy. After she told her parents that she intends to keep the baby, they kicked her out of the house. She hopes the baby is a girl and wants to name her Lauren. 

Tessa goes outside at the end of the Christmas dinner, suddenly feeling estranged and wanting to be alone. While the rest of her family and guests play cards, she ruminates over the dying tree in their back yard, speculating that one day she will help the tree to blossom. 

Adam joins her. The two share a cigarette and talk in the dark. Tessa tells Adam about the radio interview, her trip to the beach with Zoe, and her habit of writing words on walls. They go next door to Adam’s bedroom, where Adam presents her with a bracelet. They kiss. 

Following their kiss, Tessa and Adam have sex in Adam’s room. It is a much more rewarding experience than Tessa’s first time with Jake. She has a novel sense of having no “edges” (212) and reflects on the difference between being touched intimately and being touched by doctors. 

On a night when she was supposed to go out dancing with Adam, Tessa’s nose begins to bleed uncontrollably. She is alone with her mother, who has never before cared for Tessa in this state and has little medical knowledge of her illness. Tessa directs her mother to call them a cab and to take them to the hospital. They pass Adam on their way out. He offers to take Tessa to the hospital himself, but Tessa refuses his help.

In the emergency room, Tessa must take control of the situation even though she is ill. By squeezing her mother’s hand to signal yes or no, she is able to communicate with her doctor, who determines that she needs to have her throat and nose stuffed with gauze. Her mother’s only contribution is to tell Tessa lively stories during her recuperation. Tessa appreciates her mother’s charm and presence, as does the doctor.

As their taxi takes them back home through the town, Tessa discovers that someone (probably Adam) has carved or scrawled her name everywhere, presumably to fulfill her “fame” list item: “The shops in the High Street still have their metal grills down, blank-eyed and sleeping. My name is scrawled across them all” (226). The sight makes her extremely happy, despite her weakened state and her recent ordeal. 

Tessa tells her father that she wants Adam to move in with her. Her father forbids this. Tessa presses her mother, who is still staying with the family, on whether or not she and her father are getting back together, asking why she left in the first place. Her mother says little, only warning Tessa not to get her hopes up about Adam: “You want some sweet and lovely things, Tessa, but be careful. Other people can’t always give you what you want” (232).

Tessa presses Adam to move in with her, ignoring her father’s wishes. Adam is reluctant at first, partly because he does not wish to leave his own fragile mother alone at nights. However, he eventually relents, and the two of them have sex on Tessa’s bed that night. Afterwards, Tessa goes out into the hallway, where she runs into her father, who accepts the situation.  

Tessa sits with Zoey on her lawn. It is a beautiful spring day, and the weather makes Tessa feel both happy and slightly dizzy. Zoey is in good spirits and tells Tessa all about her new apartment and the support group for teenage mothers that she has joined. Adam and Sally say hello on their way out to buy new plants for their garden—Sally has taken a new interest in gardening and seems generally happier and healthier.

Tessa’s family has planned a trip to Sicily soon, and Tessa and Zoey look at the brochure together. Tessa’s mother has given up her own spot on the trip for Adam. When Adam and his mother return from their trip to the nursery, an increasingly disoriented Tessa falls and loses consciousness.