Before I Let Go

Josiah is stunned by his own agreement to see a therapist because he believes it won’t be useful despite what Yasmen says about her experiences.

Yasmen asks to walk Josiah to his car, and he is briefly overcome with his attraction to her as she walks in front of him. Yasmen asks if his offer of therapy is sincere, and he is irritated by the suggestion he would lie to Kassim. Josiah says he is doing it only to support Kassim, and Yasmen is angry at the implication that truly self-reliant adults do not need therapy.

He tries to apologize for implying therapy has diminished her in his eyes. She coolly tells him she can get him a list of recommended providers but suggests he won’t truly engage with the process. He silently admits she is right. Josiah senses her lingering anger when she tells him she admires his commitment to their son.

Yasmen prepares for a busy Saturday with her children and chats with Hendrix. Hendrix is taking Deja to buy hair extensions she needs for a social media challenge, and Yasmen is taking Kassim to soccer and his first therapy appointment. When Hendrix asks how Kassim feels about the appointment, Yasmen admits she is feeling anxious and guilty for not seeing her son’s emotional struggles sooner. Hendrix assures her that her willingness to help Kassim once she learned of the issue makes her a good parent. Hendrix reminds her that Black men are often reluctant to care for their mental health, so she is modeling better coping mechanisms. Yasmen tells Hendrix about Josiah’s agreement to see a counselor. Hendrix senses Yasmen may be resentful that Josiah was far less willing during their marriage. She reminds her that people come to the work of therapy when they are ready.

Deja arrives, delighted to see Hendrix and even agreeing to try pork-neck bones, a staple of Black soul food she has never tried before. Yasmen notices that her daughter’s mood deflates as soon as Hendrix asks what time they should come home. Hendrix assures her she is happy to help. Kassim is obviously nervous about therapy; Josiah has a business event and will not be there.

Kassim scores a goal for his team but remains apprehensive about therapy. Yasmen reminds him of her own therapy work and tells him that “life is not about always being okay” (1598). Kassim asks if this statement is true for Josiah, and Yasmen says they will both always be there for him. Josiah arrives, surprising them both. Kassim admits he is nervous. Josiah shocks Yasmen by admitting that he is not “always okay” (1619). He reminds Kassim he is seeing this own therapist on Monday.

Yasmen, Josiah, and Kassim meet the therapist. Before leaving, Josiah tells Yasmen he wanted to be there to support Kassim and assure him he is keeping his promise. He reasserts his skepticism as well as his commitment to starting the process.

Alone with her thoughts in the waiting room, Yasmen admits that she had once hoped a therapist would instantly cure her depression. She struggled further after having to try multiple therapists before finding her current one, Dr. Abrams. Hendrix calls to check in and assures Yasmen she is a great parent to Deja as well. Kassim’s session ends, and his therapist assures Yasmen that she is doing the right thing getting him support for his unresolved grief. Yasmen reflects that both conversations support something her own therapist has told her: She should be less self-critical.

Josiah has his first meeting with Dr. Musa, his new therapist, and is surprised when Dr. Musa asks about his history since he already filled out an intake form. Dr. Musa reminds him that a catalogue of experiences, such as family loss and divorce, still requires interpretation. Josiah tries to change the subject to the fact that both men attended HBCUs. Musa, pushing back when Josiah says he is only there for Kassim, asks, “Do you have an attendance card you need me to sign to show him you came?” (1701). Josiah quickly turns hostile when Musa asks about the divorce and who sought it. Josiah thinks to himself, “I don’t know this motherfucker from Adam, and he wants to dig around in my head?” (1719).

Dr. Musa asks about Yasmen, and why he chose her. Rather than confess deeper truths, Josiah says jokingly he wanted regular and exclusive access to sex, so marrying Yasmen made sense. When Musa, adopting the same dismissive tone, suggests Yasmen became less attractive after her pregnancies, Josiah resists and turns serious despite his earlier refusal. When Dr. Musa asks about Byrd, Josiah explains that he was orphaned and Byrd became his mother figure and mentor.

Josiah reveals that he found Byrd after her fatal heart attack and explains that he was away when Henry, at 36 weeks’ gestation, died. Josiah still blames himself for his absence. Dr. Musa gently asks if he wants to discuss the night Yasmen demanded a divorce.

Josiah is tempted to refuse revisiting such a painful time, but he remembers his promise to Kassim and his earlier confession that no one is always in total control. He begins to describe that evening.

This chapter takes place two years in the past, on the night Yasmen told Josiah their marriage was over.

Josiah arrives home after a long day at Grits, exhausted. He is further dispirited when he finds their lawn has not been mowed due to lack of payment. The restaurant has struggled since Byrd’s death and Yasmen’s absence, and he is unsure if it can stay open. Josiah admits, “I’d rather be at the restaurant fourteen hours a day than do the work of grief in this house” (1808). He finds himself resenting Yasmen’s absence from their business partnership and her focus on her emotions.

He finds Yasmen in her usual place, in a rocking chair in Henry’s nursery. When Josiah asks her to come to bed, she asks if he ever thinks of their lost son, whom he never mentions. Knowing he has avoided his feelings, Josiah does not answer. He is distracted from these thoughts when he notices Yasmen is wearing new lingerie and the idea of sex as a distraction and a recommitment comforts him. His eagerness disappears when he realizes Yasmen is not eager for sex; she admits she wants a new pregnancy, not the intimacy.

Josiah angrily reminds her another placental abruption would endanger her life. Josiah realizes he is not aroused, a sign of their relationship crisis. Yasmen accuses of Josiah of not wanting Henry and of abandoning her for the conference. He becomes angry again when she admits she has asked her doctor about pregnancy risks, and he asks, “[S]o I’m what, your stud horse, or your husband?” (1886).

Josiah and Yasmen go to the garage to continue the argument away from the children. Yasmen refuses the idea of adoption or foster parenting. When Josiah tells her a baby is not a cure, Yasmen retorts that at least she is facing her pain. Josiah says he cannot be emotional in the ways she demands when the restaurant is near failure, and Yasmen is angry he has concealed the problem from her. Yasmen says she is exhausted from trying to parent and maintain their marriage.

Overcome by his sense of failure and his anger, Josiah grabs a can of paint and ruins the nursery wall painted with the Bible verse Yasmen had selected for Henry. Yasmen weeps and demands a divorce. Josiah holds her in his arms against the wall. When Josiah says they are committed and reminds her of their marriage vows, Yasmen says promises are not enough, as she can no longer access the emotions she once held for him.

Josiah lets her go, and takes in the damage to the wall, seeing it as an outward display of grief he still cannot manage himself. Yasmen repeats her desire for a divorce, and Josiah flees to the rocking chair, now trapped in the same way Yasmen is.

Yasmen is on a telehealth therapy session with Dr. Abrams. Yasmen and her therapist discuss Deja, and her therapist reminds her to maintain her authority and boundaries while understanding the context for her daughter’s struggles. Yasmen admits Deja and Josiah have a much smoother relationship at the moment, and Deja even accepts his dating. Dr. Abrams makes Yasmen promise they will discuss her feelings about this change during their next session.

Yasmen’s thoughts are interrupted when her phone rings. Kassim needs the remote for his robotics project, which he left at Josiah’s house. Yasmen reluctantly agrees to go get it if she cannot reach Josiah, who is at his weekly basketball game with friends.

Upon arrival at his house, Yasmen is distracted in Kassim’s room because she sees an old family photo from before the divorce. In it, she and Josiah are blissfully happy, early in her pregnancy with Henry. She fights tears, reminding herself to stay in the present.

Yasmen is interrupted by Vashti, dressed in Josiah’s clothes. It is obvious that she spent the night there. Yasmen finds herself fighting jealousy and resenting Vashti’s clear efforts to be gentle with her. She assures Vashti she understands and rushes out. She is flooded with emotion as she realizes, “I forfeited my right to be jealous or resentful” (2080). She bids Vashti an awkward farewell.

As she drives, Josiah calls, and Yasmen reluctantly tells him she already encountered Vashti at his house and is bringing the remote to Kassim. Haunted by images of Josiah starting over, she finds a Target parking lot and weeps. Yasmen, channeling her feelings into anger and competition, texts Mark Lancaster to set up their first date.

In the locker room after basketball, Josiah processes the unwelcome and unexpected conversation with Yasmen. He realizes how upset she must be, thinking, “[I]f the shoe were on the other foot…I wouldn’t have wanted to be blindsided like this” (2127).

His best friend, Charles “Preach” Hollister, notices his shift in mood. When Josiah declines to talk, Preach jokes that he hopes Dr. Musa will have more luck. Josiah privately admits he found his first session more helpful than expected. He reluctantly admits to Preach that Yasmen now knows he slept with Vashti.

Preach presses for details, and Josiah is torn. He appreciated the intimacy, but a “small, stupid part of me felt like I betrayed Yasmen when I slept with Vashti” (2158). Preach is suspicious when Josiah is laconic rather than enthusiastic. Josiah leaves the locker room after promising to bring Kassim to his shop for a haircut.

Yasmen makes a reluctant call to Josiah. She asks him to stay with their children because she has plans with Mark. Josiah turns hostile, critiquing Mark’s wealth and background. When Yasmen says she respects his romantic choices, Josiah suggests she is only dating because he is. They brusquely agree to drop the subject and agree he will arrive that evening.

Yasmen reluctantly describes her plans to her children on the car trip home. Deja is derisive, mocking Mark’s political-campaign signs, and Kassim seems disappointed. Deja belittles Yasmen’s lasagna and demands dinner from the restaurant. Kassim and Yasmen speak privately, and he assures he prefers their current life to when she and Josiah used to fight. Yasmen reminds him to be open with his therapist, if not with her.

Deja surprises Yasmen by offering to help with her hair since Yasmen has not been able to see her stylist. Yasmen compliments her daughter’s skills, but Deja is soon distant again. Yasmen FaceTimes Hendrix and Soledad to show them her outfit, reveling in feeling beautiful and confident again. Josiah arrives, tersely complimenting Yasmen’s appearance. Yasmen is deflated when Deja reinforces the gulf between them by being openly affectionate with her father.

Mark arrives, and Yasmen takes in Josiah’s hostility and Kassim’s open curiosity. They leave for their date.

Yasmen and Mark arrive at the restaurant. They discuss their children and families, and Yasmen grills Mark about his plans to guarantee economic prosperity without pushing out longtime residents and deepening Atlanta’s gentrification. Yasmen appreciates Mark’s frank scrutiny of her appearance and obvious attraction to her. He admits he was shocked by her divorce; Yasmen tells him about her depression and Josiah’s consuming need to stay busy rather than focus on his emotions. Uncomfortable dwelling on her past, Yasmen decides to change the subject.

Josiah checks on Deja, who teases him about pretending he was helping Kassim with his homework. Josiah admits they were discussing their progress in therapy, and Josiah confides that he talks about Byrd and Henry there. Deja compliments her father on staying strong when they lost Aunt Byrd and Henry and disparages Yasmen’s depression. Josiah tells Deja that Yasmen’s open grieving was “something [he] wasn’t able to do” (2416). Josiah inwardly wonders if Deja’s derision mirrors his own behavior at the time and caused the distance that led to the divorce. Deja surprises Josiah by saying, critically, that she knows what happened between her parents. She refuses to explain further, and Josiah recognizes an unresolved issue.

Reluctant to go home, Josiah tries Yasmen’s lasagna and is surprised by the improvement in her cooking. He catches sight of Yasmen and Mark via the home-security system. He watches them kiss and is overcome with longing, desire, and grief.

Vashti texts him, clearly hoping he will spend the night. Josiah finds himself consumed with memories of his former passion for Yasmen and cannot bring himself to see his girlfriend. He leaves, determined to move on from the sight of Yasmen and Mark.

Yasmen is reluctantly preparing to face Josiah for a business meeting at the restaurant. The two have been awkward with one another since their recent dates. Yasmen enters the office, and Josiah is still stiff with her, letting her know their manager, Harvey, will be there soon.

They attempt to discuss their children, but Yasmen’s concerns about Deja’s grades lead Josiah to point out that she should not add more tension to that relationship. They also argue about Kassim playing football: Yasmen is opposed because of the growing data about head trauma. Josiah accuses her of being “too scared and too uptight” about their children’s autonomy (2531). As they stand closer together, Yasmen begins to wonder if the renewed sense of attraction she feels is reciprocated.

Harvey’s arrival interrupts them. Their manager tells them the business is fully recovered. Yasmen thanks Josiah for his dedication in her absence; he assures her that her support with their children allows him to focus on work. Harvey explains the other goal for the meeting: the possibility of expanding Grits to a new location. A promising restaurant is soon to be for sale in North Davidson, a bustling area north of Charlotte. The current owners hope Yasmen and Josiah will visit in person after Thanksgiving. Yasmen is taken aback at the prospect of traveling with Josiah.

Yasmen looks over the dossier Harvey has compiled. She’s drawn to the charm of the area and the restaurant’s historic building. Harvey hugs her goodbye, warmly telling her that it’s a relief to have her back at Grits and that he knows Josiah feels the same. Yasmen is drawn to the restaurant, wondering what the owners, Merry and Ken, will have to say. She is equally as intrigued by the prospect of the trip and admits that she is tempted by the prospect of Josiah: the “traitorous ache I’d nearly forgotten roars at me from dusty corners” (2613). She reminds herself that she cannot indulge her desires because they are no longer a couple.

Josiah is also reeling from the sexually charged moment before Harvey arrived. Vashti finds Josiah, and she pulls him into an embrace. As he kisses her, he realizes Yasmen is watching, and he thinks of his own curiosity about her relationship with Mark.

Josiah asks Yasmen to talk with him more about Harvey’s proposal. Inwardly, he reminds himself that while he will never stop being attracted to Yasmen, he cannot trust her since she has proven she will leave him when it suits her.

Back in the office, Yasmen and Josiah agree that the offer in Charlotte is consistent with their vision for the business, especially their ambitions before tragedy struck their family. They discuss logistics, and Yasmen reminds Josiah her mother, who’s coming for Thanksgiving, can likely stay with their children. Yasmen awkwardly asks about his plans for the holiday—whether he is meeting Vashti’s family or having dinner with them. Both of them remember how awkward their first divorced Thanksgiving was. Josiah notices Yasmen obviously bracing herself for saying something that worries her. She stuns him by inviting Vashti to Thanksgiving at her home, and Josiah says he will discuss it with her.