53 pages • 1 hour read
Aminatou Sow, Ann FriedmanBig Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2020A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapters 7-8Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 7 Summary: “The Trapdoor”
This chapter unpacks the racial tensions that can subtly yet profoundly impact interracial friendships. Sow and Friedman recount how Sow attended a party in Friedman’s backyard. Ann had offered her backyard as the venue for a friend’s birthday party. Sow was hurt when she noticed that she was the only Black person in attendance.
Sow and Friedman reference writer Wesley Morris, who refers to experiences like this as “the trapdoor of racism,” a concept that describes “the limited level of comfort that Black people can feel around white people who are part of their lives in a meaningful way” (118). The metaphor encapsulates how racism can suddenly disrupt the sense of safety and belonging in interracial friendships.
Morris points out that in many interracial friendships, friends instinctively avoid talking about race, but they eventually experience some incident that forces them to confront it. Sow shares that her experiences of racism differ depending on who she is interacting with. With strangers, “it feels like bracing for impact while her plane crashes,” but with a friend or partner, it feels less dramatic (119). Morris compares these cases to someone dropping mustard on a person’s pants and not noticing it—for the person whose pants are now stained, the incident is uncomfortable, but the other person does not even realize that something has happened.
After the birthday party, Sow initially did not bring up the incident to Friedman because she was worried it would seem silly. Still, she felt that Friedman should have acknowledged that it was not right. Friedman was normally vocal about racism and would have called out someone else who had put themselves in a similar position, in which they could, without noticing, attend a gathering of friends in which no Black people were in attendance.
Sow finally brought up the birthday party several months afterward, and Friedman initially reacted with defensiveness. Friedman then took a breath and expressed regret. But even though the women kept talking and trying to express their feelings to each other, the issue still felt unresolved.
Sow and Friedman point out that in interracial friendships involving a white friend, stretching often happens unequally: The nonwhite friend usually feels more negatively stretched, whereas the white friend gets to have a “learning experience.” Ultimately, they say, there are things that Friedman will never fully understand about Sow’s experience of the world. For instance, after the Desert Ladies incident, Sow later explained to Friedman that she had felt reduced to the stereotype of the Angry Black Woman, a notion that originated in 19th-century minstrel shows. This stereotype continues to harm modern-day Black women, making it difficult for them to express their anger without repercussions. Sow shared with Friedman that throughout their friendship, she has had to manage her emotions so as not to appear too honest about something that is upsetting her.
Sow and Friedman contend that racism is not something to be overcome, but rather something to constantly be aware of. For the two of them, the only way in which they have been able to process the effect of racism on their relationship is by talking about it.
Chapter 8 Summary: “See You on the Internet”
At the encouragement of their friend, the radio producer Gina Delvac, Sow and Friedman started a podcast together: Call Your Girlfriend, named after the Robyn song of the same title. The podcast was intended to capture the essence of their private phone conversations about news, culture, and life. It began as a project for themselves and their immediate circle. Neither Sow nor Friedman considered the fact that by starting this podcast together, they were going into business together as well as exposing their friendship to public scrutiny and idealization.
Their show quickly gained popularity. Soon, their friendship was seen by listeners as aspirational. Sow and Friedman found themselves navigating the complexities of a dual friendship. Their private, sometimes messy relationship diverged from the idealized image of their public friendship, which, they say, was “constructed in the imaginations of our listeners” (143).
Sow and Friedman touch on the ways in which social media impacts friendships. Social media, they explain, helps tell the story of a friendship to the world. People naturally have a desire to affirm their relationships publicly, including their friendships. Sow and Friedman enjoy doing this in non-digital ways, wearing matching clothes and sporting matching tattoos. But social media adds another dimension to relationships. Posting about a friendship can make it seem more tangible, but it can also present a deceptively simple and easy image to the world when the reality is much more complex, messy, and even strained.
Despite the success of the podcast, Sow and Friedman each faced challenges in their personal lives. Sow moved across the country to take a tech job in San Francisco. Soon after she moved, her team got reorganized and she was forced to take on new responsibilities. She also was experiencing a lot of bad health days, and in the meantime, she was involved in a confusing romance with a man that was characterized by frequent fights and passionate making-ups. Ann did not like the way this man was treating Sow, and she expressed this to Sow. Sow felt like Friedman was judging her for not extricating herself from the relationship, so Sow stopped sharing details with Ann about the relationship. At the same time, Friedman had lost her job and was also navigating the difficulties of a long-distance relationship. She self-isolated and withdrew from her friendships as she helped her boyfriend with the stressful process of obtaining a visa and a job.
This led to a period of isolation and misunderstanding between Sow and Friedman as they kept their struggles private. This dynamic contrasted sharply with the cheerful and uncomplicated image of their friendship that they maintained publicly through social media and their podcast.
The disparity between their public and private friendship narratives became a source of tension. While their podcast flourished and they navigated their newfound recognition as semipublic figures, they struggled to address the changing dynamics of their personal relationship and the challenges of their joint business venture. They note the pitfalls of not discussing the impact of these developments on their personal relationship, highlighting the danger in allowing the public story of their friendship to overshadow and distort the private, authentic narrative.
Chapters 7-8 Analysis
Chapters 7 and 8 explore nuanced themes of The Power Dynamics of Interracial Friendship and the implications of public versus private personas in the digital age. Chapter 7 presents a focused narrative on the subtleties of interracial friendships through Sow’s personal experiences and utilizes the metaphor of “the trapdoor” to depict sudden racial tensions. This metaphor and the detailed recounting of specific incidents provide insight into the complexities of navigating interracial friendships, emphasizing the authors’ commitment to addressing challenging topics head-on. Chapter 8 shifts the focus to the duo’s venture into podcasting, highlighting the tension between their authentic friendship and the version presented to their audience. By juxtaposing their personal struggles with their public image, the authors critically engage with the impact of social media and public perception on personal relationships. The deliberate structuring of these chapters underscores the multifaceted nature of friendships, reflecting on both internal dynamics and external pressures.
The chapters draw on experts to bolster the authors’ exploration of friendship through the lenses of race and public image. They reference Wesley Morris’s concept of “the trapdoor” in discussing racial dynamics, enriching the narrative with a nuanced understanding of racism’s impact on friendships. Morris’s analogy helps readers grasp the unpredictability and discomfort of racial tensions, lending academic and cultural depth to the personal anecdotes the authors share. References like this one not only validate Sow and Friedman’s personal experiences but also position their story within a larger conversation about friendship, identity, and society.
Sow and Friedman apply an intersectional feminist lens to dissect the layers of their friendship, including the challenges of navigating racial dynamics. The discussion of the birthday party incident introduces a critical analysis of how race and gender intersect with friendship grounded in the lived experiences of the authors. Friedman’s oversight in inviting Sow to a party where she is the only Black woman compounds the tensions already introduced in the Desert Ladies incident, as Sow reveals that sharing her anger or upset with Friedman makes her feel like an “Angry Black Woman.” A racist and misogynistic stereotype, the Angry Black Woman trope casts Black women’s emotional expression as exaggerated and overbearing. This anecdote shows not only that serious hurts can happen in close friendships, but also that racism is still an issue in otherwise good interracial friendships. Though broaching the topic is uncomfortable, Sow and Friedman argue that only by confronting the ways racism shows up in their friendship can they maintain their closeness. This intersectional approach highlights the necessity of acknowledging and addressing racial disparities within personal relationships, challenging readers to consider their own biases and behaviors.
Sow and Friedman employ metaphor and personal anecdote as rhetorical devices to deepen the readers’ engagement and understanding. The “trapdoor” metaphor powerfully conveys the abrupt and disorienting nature of racial tensions within friendships. This metaphor invites readers to visualize and emotionally connect with the suddenness and disorientation of such moments, enhancing the narrative’s resonance. Sow also contrasts her experiences with strangers and friends, saying that when she experiences racial tension with “strangers, it feels like bracing for impact while her plane crashes,” whereas with friends or partners, it feels less drastic (199). Friedman and Sow cite Morris, who “says that in these cases, it’s more like a drop of mustard falling on your pants. You notice and you feel uncomfortable about it, but the person who dropped the mustard does not even register what has happened” (199). Furthermore, the recounting of personal anecdotes, such as the backyard party incident and the inception of their podcast, provide a tangible context for abstract discussions. These anecdotes personalize the authors’ theoretical discussions, bridging the gap between the readers’ understanding and the authors’ experiences. The strategic use of these rhetorical devices enriches the narrative, facilitating a deeper emotional and intellectual connection to the themes explored.
Finally, Sow and Friedman’s examination of the public versus private dichotomy of their friendship in the era of social media critically engages with how female friendships are commodified and idealized online. As their audience grows and builds up a mythology around Sow and Friedman’s friendship, they find themselves feeling both alienated by it and obligated to uphold their public image. In reflecting on the disparities between the friendship they portrayed on social media and the actual challenges they were facing, Sow and Friedman illustrate the ways that social media can lead us to betray ourselves and relationships for the sake of image. This critique reflects an awareness of the broader societal forces at play, urging a reevaluation of authenticity and connection in the digital age. The journey of starting a podcast mirrors the evolution of the authors’ friendship, symbolizing growth, challenges, and the balance between public perception and private reality. This symbolism offers readers a lens through which to view their own friendships, emphasizing the importance of nurturing genuine connections amidst external influences. Through these literary elements, Big Friendship offers a nuanced exploration of friendship.
