Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

Friedman and Sow reference the work of Emily Langan, who applies attachment theory to close friendships, suggesting that the dynamics of emotional bonds formed in friendships mirror those traditionally observed in child-caregiver relationships. Aspects of secure attachment in friendships include seeking comfort from the other friend in times of distress, using the friendship as a secure base from which to explore the world, and valuing the friend’s presence in one’s life. Sow and Friedman share that attachment theory applies to their friendship, and that they have served as secure bases for one another in their lives.

Big Friendship is a term coined by Sow and Friedman to describe a mature, reciprocal, meaningful, and generous friendship that transcends typical norms and expectations, marked by a deep emotional connection, significant life impact, and enduring commitment. It is a relationship that involves ongoing effort, mutual understanding, and the willingness to navigate complex challenges together. Their book itself showcases the power and potential struggles of maintaining such a friendship over time and distance. Sow and Friedman share that they came up with the term Big Friendship to describe their bond to express a type of relationship that went beyond common terms like “best friend.”

This term, used by William K. Rawlins, describes friendships that have either ended abruptly or gradually faded with no expectation of rekindling them. People often look back on these friendships with fondness and gratitude for the role they played at a certain time in their lives but recognize that they do not fit into their current life in an active or dormant way. They serve as reminders of past phases of life and personal growth.

This term, also used by William K. Rawlins, refers to once active relationships but, due to various circumstances such as life changes or geographical distance, are not currently active. These friendships have the potential to be reactivated because the underlying bond remains strong. Sow and Friedman bring up the various types of friendships when introducing the ways friends can work to keep a friendship from growing “cold.”

This concept describes an intricate and dynamic network of interconnected friendships that transcends the idea of a static group or “squad.” It acknowledges the various layers and connections within one’s social circle, including friends from different life stages and contexts. Sow and Friedman emphasize the friendweb’s importance in providing a rich, supportive community that reflects the complexity and diversity of individual relationships.

Shine Theory posits that friends achieve more and feel happier when they support each other’s success rather than compete. Coined by Sow and Friedman, it is based on the premise of advocating for mutual empowerment within friendships. It challenges the scarcity mindset, suggesting that one person’s success uplifts the whole group, and encourages friends to celebrate each other’s achievements as their own.

A social initiator is someone who actively seeks to create and maintain social connections, often taking the lead in organizing gatherings, initiating conversations, and fostering group dynamics. Sow and Friedman highlight the role of social initiators in keeping the friendweb vibrant and engaged, emphasizing their importance in maintaining the flow of communication and connection within a group. They say that since they are both social initiators, in the early stages of their friendship, they felt that their advances were always reciprocated by the other person.

A social moocher is someone who passively relies on others to facilitate social interactions and organize gatherings, contributing little to the planning or maintenance of group dynamics. Sow and Friedman use this term to contrast with social initiators, underscoring the imbalance that can occur when the effort to sustain the social fabric of a group is not evenly distributed.

Strain, in the context of Big Friendship, refers to moments or periods when a friendship faces significant challenges that test its resilience. These often result from an uneven “stretch,” in which one person in the friendship is asked to stretch much more than the other. These strains can arise from miscommunications, unmet expectations, or external pressures that disrupt the equilibrium of the relationship. Sow and Friedman explore how strains can either be navigated successfully with communication and effort or, if not addressed, potentially lead to the deterioration of the friendship.

Stretching is a metaphor used by Sow and Friedman to describe the efforts and adaptations friends make to accommodate each other’s growth, changes, and needs over time. It involves extending oneself beyond one’s comfort zone to support and understand one’s friend, recognizing that this flexibility is essential for the friendship’s longevity. Sow and Friedman liken it to the importance of physical stretching for maintaining muscle health, suggesting that friendships similarly require regular, intentional effort to stay strong and flexible.