Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

“The morning after the talk, I woke up with one of the worst vulnerability hangovers of my life. You know that feeling when you wake up and everything feels fine until the memory of laying yourself open washes over you and you want to hide under the covers?”

First person narration and personal anecdotes are important literary devices in her book. Throughout the book, Brown details her own discomfort with vulnerability, her anxieties, and her shame. In this quote, she details her discomfort after giving a Ted Talk, describing the common fear that publicity will bring criticism. In doing so, she tells the reader that how they feel is normal, but she uses her own experiences to argue that by pushing past the fear, they will become happier.

“I realized that there only needed to be one book because no matter where I went or with whom I was speaking, the core issues were the same: fear, disengagement, and yearning for more courage.” 

Everyone experiences shame, doubt, anxiety, and the fear that they are not worthy of love and belonging. Brown repeatedly reminds the reader that the feelings of low self-worth they experience are universal. In families, corporations, higher education, and creative fields amongst others, the core issue is the same. The answer to all of them is more vulnerability.

“I have found that the most difficult and most rewarding challenge of my work is how to be both a mapmaker and a traveler. My maps, or theories, on shame resilience, Wholeheartedness, and vulnerability have not been drawn from the experiences of my own travels, but from the data I’ve collected over the past dozen years—the experiences of thousands of men and women who are forging paths in the direction that I, and many others, want to take our lives.” 

Brown uses a cartographic analogy to highlight how she is both an expert and a learner. Brown is an internationally recognized expert on shame and vulnerability. In this sense, she is a mapmaker, charting data and helping people find the most beneficial route. However, she acknowledges that she is still also a traveler. Despite her expertise, embracing vulnerability and living wholeheartedly is an ongoing journey.

“What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable.” 

Brown argues that to find fulfilment and purpose, we need to shift our lens from knowing to being. By letting go of our need to control the outcome, we can be more vulnerable. The focus on tangible markers of status distracts us from what really matters. This quote from the end of the introduction lays out the larger thesis of the book.

“After doing this work for the past twelve years and watching scarcity ride roughshod over our families, organizations, and communities, I’d say the one thing we have in common is that we’re sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We’re tired of the national conversation centering on ‘What should we fear?’ and ‘Who should we blame?’ We all want to be brave.” 

The epigraph to Chapter 1 immediately establishes the overall theme of the book: that the desire to live meaningful courageous lives is universal but that people feel blocked. Each chapter opens up with a short paragraph that clearly lays out what the chapter will talk about. In including an epigraph, Brown signals to the reader what the theme of the next chapter will be.

“You can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.”

The first chapter opens with an anecdote from Brown about slipping into a Texas colloquialism while answering a question after a talk. Her larger point is that narcissism is misunderstood and misdiagnosed, but she uses the quote to describe a moment of frustration onstage, writing that when she is fired up, she reverts back to her Texas roots. She goes on to explain the origins of the expression before turning to the point she is making about narcissism. This discursive structure is reflective of Brown’s conversational writing style.

“The researchers also reported a decline in words related to social connection and positive emotions, and an increase in words related to anger and antisocial behavior, such as hate or kill. Two of the researchers from that study, Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, authors of the book The Narcissism Epidemic, argue that the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder has more than doubled in the United States in the last ten years.” 

Brown cites other studies to bolster the data that she collects. For instance, when responding to a question about narcissism, Brown pivots to a recent study that showed a rise in narcissistic behavior. However, Brown then goes on to argue that what are broadly classified as narcissistic behaviors are rooted in shame and that we have to address the root causes.

“Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.” 

Brown describes a conversation with her daughter Ellen about friendships. Brown tells her that every time someone builds trust or develops a friendship, she should add a marble to an imaginary jar. Over time, the marbles accumulate as you build deeper bonds. When people violate your trust, a marble gets removed. Brown uses this analogy because when we think of betrayal, we often think of something so terrible that we dump out the entire jar. However, most betrayals happen slowly because of disengagement: it is marbles being slowly removed.

“Life is vulnerable.” 

The human desire to avoid vulnerability is impossible because life is inherently vulnerable. She quotes Madeline L’Engle who describes how children think growing up will make them less vulnerable, but in fact, being alive means being vulnerable. Accepting this premise allows us to name our fears and claim our power.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” 

A core argument in Brown’s book is that by being afraid to be vulnerable, we enable shame to grow. Being vulnerable requires speaking our truth, it means communicating how we feel and creating space for other people to do so. Brown highlights the power of storytelling as a tool we can use to build more fulfilling lives. One of the most important stories that we tell is the story we tell ourselves about who we are.

“Over the past couple of years, especially since the economic downturn, what I have started to see is the box from The Wizard of Oz. I’m talking about the small, curtain-concealed box that the wizard stands in as he’s controlling his mechanical ‘great and powerful’ Oz image. As scarcity has grabbed hold of our culture, it’s not just ‘Don’t be perceived as weak,’ but also ‘You better be great and all powerful.’” 

Brown regularly uses cultural references to give texture to the data she gathers. In this quote, she invokes the Wizard of Oz—a small man hiding behind a curtain, pretending to be powerful—in her discussion of male vulnerability. She shows how men are taught to not be weak, which precludes openness and vulnerability. Like the Wizard of Oz, men project the image that they think the world wants to see which forces them to hide their truth.

“These feminine and masculine norms are the foundation of shame triggers, and here’s why: If women want to play by the rules, they need to be sweet, thin, and pretty, stay quiet, be perfect moms and wives, and not own their power. One move outside of these expectations and BAM! The shame web closes in. Men, on the other lid of your box to grab a breath of air, or slide that curtain back a bit to see what’s going on, and BAM! Shame cuts you down to size.”

Brown argues that the experiences of vulnerability and shame are universal. However, in Chapter 3, she highlights key differences between the way men and women feel shame. By introducing gender as an analytic, she nuances her research and highlights how both genders commonly misunderstand each other, which further fuels shame.

“Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.” 

A common fear that people express is the fear of being ordinary. We spend our lives worried that we are not enough which prevents us from appreciating what we have. Brown argues that we find joy in simple moments. If we are always chasing something elusive and out of reach, we lose the ability to be happy.

“The sun was shining on her uplifted face and she had a quiet smile on her face. I was so struck by her beauty and her vulnerability that I could barely catch my breath. I watched for a full minute, but when she didn’t move, I looked at me and said, ‘I’m fine, Mama. I was just making a picture memory.’ I had never heard of a picture memory, but I liked the sound of it. ‘What’s that mean?’ ‘Oh, a picture memory is a picture I take in my mind when I’m really, really happy. I close my eyes and take a picture, so when I’m feeling sad or scared or lonely, I can look at my picture memories.’” 

Brown argues that parents have as much to learn from their children as they have to teach them. In this anecdote, Brown describes her own difficulty in being present and finding joy in the moment. In contrast, her daughter knows how to experience joy in ordinary moments. Brown is inspired by this.

“There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

In Chapter 4 Brown describes how perfectionism prevents us from achieving our goals and becoming our highest self. As a mantra against perfectionism, Brown quotes the songwriter Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem, which argues that the cracks in life are where we find hope. This quote gives Brown the courage to accept her own shortcomings and embrace being good enough. Brown quotes another Leonard Cohen song, Hallelujah, on page 26, in the context of having hard conversations as a key step to vulnerability. The inclusion of song lyrics is one of the broad range of sources that Brown draws from to ground her arguments.

“Some form of the debate about what’s more important, strategy or culture, bubbles up in every conversation I dichotomy and that we need both. Interestingly, I’ve yet to find a strong argument that strategy is more important than culture.” 

Brown’s book is written for a general audience. Occasionally, she introduces larger debates in the field or draws in other theorists. This bolsters her argument, but she presents specialized disciplinary knowledge in a straightforward way so that people who are outside of her field can easily understand it.

“I want to stress that these examples aren’t fiction; they’re from the data.” 

Brown’s book is based on extensive data-driven research. However, reflecting her interest in storytelling, the data is presented in the form of anecdotes. In Chapter 5, she turns to common examples of disengagement in families. After she outlines four scenarios, she reminds her reader that these incidents are not speculative, but rather, from data. In doing so, Brown clearly signals her research methods and reminds the viewer of her credentials.

“The man who let us onto the property said, ‘If a gator comes atcha, run a zigzag pattern—they’re quick but they ain’t good at making turns.’” 

Brown frequently quotes people using candid expressions as a method of adding local color and specificity to her writing. In this quote, she describes a common belief that to run from an alligator, you should zig and zag. In fact, humans can easily outrun alligators and the most efficient path is to go straight. Likewise, zigzagging around our problems is not as effective as meeting them face on.

“‘I’m in a total shame meltdown,’ Ashley said, still crying. ‘All I’ve ever wanted to do was to be a teacher. I work my butt off. I’ve hit up everyone in our family for money so I can buy school supplies for the kids who can’t afford them. I stay after and help the parents help their kids. I don’t get it. There are hundreds of teachers like me, and do you read about that in the paper? No. And it’s not just about me. Some of the very best teachers I know volunteer to teach some of the most challenging students without any thought about how it’s going to affect their scores or bonuses. They do it because they love their work and they believe in the kids.’”

This quote depicts personal experiences form the heart of Brown’s book. To demonstrate how shame infects both workplace and education, Brown describes a traumatic incident where her sister Ashley, a kindergarten teacher, is publicly shamed in a newspaper for the low-test scores her students received. Brown quotes Ashley describing how it made her feel and then goes on to establish why shame is ineffective.

“I know I’m ready to give feedback when:

I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you;

I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you);

I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue;

I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes;

I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges; your growth and opportunity;

and I can model the vulnerability and openness that I expect to see from you.”

Throughout the text, Brown includes several checklists. This list is a guideline for how someone can know whether they are ready to give feedback. Brown distills her research findings into a set of principles that readers can use to productively give feedback without being defensive or ascribing blame.

“When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity.”

Another method Brown uses is quoting inspirational conversations with leaders that dare greatly. Here, Brown quotes Gay Gaddis, the owner and founder of T3 (The Think Tank), a top integrated marketing firm in Austin, Texas. Gay is a very successful entrepreneur, and she believes that leaders have to embrace uncertainty, vulnerability, and risk. She argues that organizations need people who know how to win and how to lose.

“Somewhere buried deep inside our hopes and fears for our children is the terrifying truth that there is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees. From debates about attachment parenting and how much better they parent in Europe to disparagement of “tiger moms” and helicopter parents, the heated discussions that occupy much of the national parenting conversation conveniently distract us from this important and difficult truth: Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.” 

Throughout the book, Brown makes the argument that who we are is more important than what we do. How we move through the world and what we value will shape the outcome more than anything else. This is especially true in parenting. Guides to parenting traffic in judgement and shame. Brown argues we have to let go of these two emotions and instead, try to do what is best for our children and trust other people when they disagree. Wholeheartedness is about openness and open-mindedness.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.… —Theodore Roosevelt.” 

Daring Greatly is named after a quote from Theodore Roosevelt which summarizes the core message of the book: meaning and purpose are connected to belonging and connection. This can only be found through courage. Brown returns to this quote for inspiration when it feels hard to be vulnerable.