Dinner for Vampires: Life on a Cult TV Show (While also in an Actual Cult!)

“After a week with those old friends and phone calls with my therapist and parents, I was reminded of that other girl I used to be before. I was reminded I still was her, and finally I reached a place where I could say it.

I was in a cult. And I had to get out.”

This quote underscores Joy’s personal growth during her time in the cult. It emphasizes the ways reconnecting with her old community reminded her of who she “used to be” and how critical those support networks are for someone leaving a cult. Her recognition that she was “in a cult” demonstrates profound growth because when she was more actively engaged in the Family, she denied that the group was a cult.

“My social life basically consisted of the singing Melody doll and our new cocker spaniel puppy, so I was extremely relieved to discover that Jesus would be my permanent friend.”

This quote illustrates The Role of Faith in Personal Development in Joy’s life. As a child, she took comfort in the notion that Jesus was her “permanent friend” because she was so lonely. It also points to Christianity as the background of her young life, as illustrated by the “singing Melody doll,” a doll that sings a Christian song.

“I loved living there, loved the creative pulp that seemed to rush into my blood every time I stepped outside—the feeling of everyone piled on top of each other, in each other’s way, holding each other up, and spurring each other on. I felt fearless there, and, most importantly, I felt like I was a part of something.”

Throughout her memoir, Joy emphasizes her Search for Community and Belonging. She feels “like [she] was part of something” while working on a soap opera in NYC. The list of descriptive clauses in the first sentence creates a sense of movement and proximity analogous to the hustle and bustle of NYC streets that Joy enjoys while living there.

“This hug was followed by eight more with the rest of the people in the room, because nothing could begin until everyone had been hugged. By everyone. We hugged hello and goodbye and even for no reason at all. There was LOTS of hugging. Being an introvert, this was a hurdle for me, but what else was I gonna do? Hi, one hug tonight is good enough for me. Pull straws on who gets to be the lucky winner. Or we can all just wave. Wanna wave?”

This passage describes one of the “love bombing” tactics used by the cult to psychologically manipulate its members. Even though Joy is initially uncomfortable with the physical intimacy among the Family members, she conforms with it in order to belong. This example provides an early indication of how the cult conditioned Joy to overlook her instincts. Joy’s italicized internal monologue is an example of the informal, conversational, funny tone that Joy adopts throughout the book.

“We were honored that this church leader with such wisdom and experience chose to consort with a bunch of random young artists in LA. None of us noticed that he was gradually taking over Harker’s and Abe’s de facto roles as leaders of these meetings. Not even Harker or Abe seemed to notice. Or if they did, they didn’t object when Les began reading the Scripture and kicking off the discussion.”

Joy documents how the Saturday Bible study group changed after Les arrived. She notes his use of manipulative tactics—such as emphasizing his experience compared to the others—to gradually take over the group. It was not only Joy who was swept up in the experience; she is careful to note that not even the former leaders, Harker and Abe Van Hewitt, seemed to notice either. This shows that, unlike popular conceptions of those who join cults, it is not because Joy was uniquely unintelligent or gullible that she got swept into it, but rather that it was something that happened gradually over time to a group of people.

“I wasn’t even sure what ‘trusting God’ looked like. God seemed more like a friend who just walked with me through all the mud. At least I wasn’t alone, but it wasn’t exactly rescue. I was still dealing with the same insecurities, still fending for myself like Les and Pam said, and I still felt more like a trash panda than a princess. I was getting restless. Where was this extraordinary, miraculous God we served? I needed a sign that He still showed up to do impossible, unexpected things.”

This passage positions Joy’s need for community as the central tenet of her decision to join and stay in the cult. Despite an early realization that the Family might not be able to provide her with the spiritual support she’s looking for, she’s mollified by the idea that “at least [she] wasn’t alone,” Joy describes herself alliteratively as “more like a trash panda than a princess”—an example of the levity she weaves into her discussion of serious topics throughout the text.

“Later, I would come to see those two weeks in Idaho as the turning point. Had I just stayed in LA depressed and mopey over Blue Eyes, would I have avoided it all? Possibly. But then I wouldn’t have had Rosie. I think about that every time I tell my story. It was all worth it for her.”

In this passage, Joy emphasizes her decision to go to Idaho as a pivotal moment that led to her becoming ever-more emmeshed in the cult. Her  retrospective reflection allows her to move through her anger and hurt over the trauma the cult caused her and celebrate the good that came out of that chapter of her life: her daughter, Rosie.

“I came from a long line of independent, dominant women, and just maybe the Jezebel spirit had already infiltrated my family, my mind. Maybe that was why I could never get on board with the whole ‘submissive wife’ idea. Was I being attacked by an ancient spirit of control? Was being a woman in submission the key I had been missing all along—the reason Blue Eyes couldn’t see a future with me?”

This passage provides multiple examples of the cult’s jargon, adopted by Joy into her internal monologue, to illustrate the degree to which she’s been psychologically manipulated into questioning her own instincts. She wonders if she’s been “infiltrated” by the “Jezebel spirit,”—an implicitly misogynistic term used by Les that he claims describes “the worst example of manipulation and control in the Bible” (88).

“The real reason was what Pam had told all of us: ‘This is a precious time for us with Jesus and each other. We don’t want to risk the flow of the Holy Spirit being interrupted by someone who isn’t part of the circle of trust and vulnerability we’ve established.’

Les concurred: ‘Not everyone belongs in the war room, you know? We need to honor the calling God has put on us as a community and protect that.’

None of us disputed this. It made perfect sense to us.”

Joy incorporates dialogue, a literary device frequently used in literary nonfiction, to illustrate how Les and Pam collectively work together, using scripture to isolate members of the group from their families. Pam states that having outsiders there would “risk the flow of the Holy Spirit” and Les ascribes this practice to “honor[ing] the calling [of] God.” The members of the group, including Joy, have been so psychologically manipulated that they do not question these assertions.

“Historically, I jumped at the chance to do any kind of work. But now, as I was trying to ‘come out of agreement’ with the old narrative of me being second best, settling for a side role in what I thought was a teen soap felt like a spiritual test. Do I really believe that God has better things for me, or am I going to keep believing a lie?”

Throughout her memoir, Joy’s faith remains a core element of her personal growth. She highlights the ways in which she initially finds the teachings of the Family encouraging and affirming of her faith and self-worth. For example, buoyed by the Family’s support, she considers whether the role on One Tree Hill is one she wants to do, rather than taking any job offered to her, in keeping with Les’s encouragement that she stop considering herself to be “second best.” She finds herself applying his spiritual lessons in her daily life, even and especially to her career decisions.

“I watched them buzz around me. Pat, pat here, pat, pat there, and a couple of brand-new straws. That’s how we keep you young and fair in the merry old land of Oz. I was happy to go along with all of it. We were building a character. Creating something out of nothing. It was magic in the making.”

This passage draws a thematic connection between Joy’s first performance when she was seven in the community theater production of The Wizard of Oz and the height of her career on the set of One Tree Hill. The comparison emphasizes the sense of belonging she’s always found in creating and performing characters in community with other artists.

“Now I see the similarity between the creator’s strategy and Les’s strategy. In hindsight, it became clear that they both used geography to isolate us young and trusting people from our support systems and pressure us into doing what they wanted.

But whereas the creator’s only leverage was fame, Les’s leverage was my eternal salvation.”

Joy compares the tactics employed by the creator of One Tree Hill and Les, the leader of the Family, to control naïve, “trusting” people. Even though their forms of “leverage” were different, they both used them to try and get Joy to do what they want her to do. Joy notes that this only became apparent in “hindsight,” because when one is in the midst of this kind of manipulation, it can be difficult if not impossible to understand what is happening.

“That was how well Les and Pam and the other leaders had trained us…conditioned us…groomed us. As soon as we started complaining, no matter how justifiably, we caught ourselves, chastised ourselves for being so negative and spoiled and ungrateful, and turned it into a blessing—an opportunity for learning and growth.”

As Joy describes how the psychological mechanisms of cult influence made (and others in the group) feel they weren’t able to complain or push back against Les’s leadership, she uses a series of near synonyms to characterize his methods: “trained,” “conditioned,” and “groomed.” Each of these synonyms has different connotations: “trained” evokes the process of making an animal compliant. “Conditioned” suggests repetitive psychological manipulation over time. “Groomed” connotes the actions of sexual predators and abusers who form an emotional bond with a victim in order to abuse and manipulate them. Its use here positions Les and Pam as abusers.

“So, if you’re focusing on your professional dreams, rather than trusting that God will open those doors at the right time, then you’ll be constantly in rebellion, trying to make things happen yourself. If you’re focusing on how you’re behaving with other people, instead of trusting that God will just show up in the midst of your interactions, then, again, you’re trying to play God. Both of these things will isolate you from the people who are here to keep you on the right track: your Family.”

Here, Joy conveys Les’s teaching in dialogue to illustrate his use of scriptural language to guide Joy’s behavior and manipulate her into doing what he wants: avoiding those outside the cult and complying to his requests. He uses cult jargon—“in rebellion”—to imply that Joy is not pursuing a relationship with God in the “right” way.

“‘I feel like there’s so much I’m doing wrong and I can never keep up.’

Pam came near me and pet my knee. ‘Sweetheart, that’s exactly the point. We can never live up to all the things God would require in His perfection.’

Jasmine spoke softly: ‘That’s why we need Jes—’ but Les cut her off.

‘That’s why we need each other. We’re on this ship together. We’re not gonna let you fall away. No matter what happens on One Tree Hill or your career or anything—we’re never letting you go.’”

In writing this moment as a scene with dialogue, Joy reveals the cult’s dynamics. Jasmine begins to comfort Joy by reminding her that “that’s why we need [Jesus],” but Les inserts himself and the Family as the source of comfort. Joy’s description emphasizes the ways in which Les’s manipulation and coercive control eclipse his stated “Christian” ideology to the degree that obedience and loyalty to Les and the Family supersede love for Jesus.

“It was a big conspiracy against him because he was such a mighty man of God. And Les considered the opposition to be a spiritual sign that we were all on the right track. Why would the enemy bother attacking us if we weren’t effecting change in the world?

These warnings only fed the us-versus-them narrative that I needed to believe. I was too far in. I’d sacrificed too much by now to start doubting.”

This quote illustrates a key aspect of the psychological mechanisms of cult influence. An “us-versus-them” dynamic has been established that creates a bunker-like mentality amongst the group members and makes them feel as if they are in conflict with the rest of the world. This quote also reflects the “sunk cost” fallacy, where a person feels reluctant to abandon a course of action even if it’s not working because they have already invested so much into it, even if it would be better to cut one’s losses and exit the situation.

“The way he phrased things always seemed so simple and clear.

‘I get that. It makes sense. But do I just ignore my emotions?’

‘Yes.’”

In this exchange, Les flatly encourages Joy to ignore her feelings about QB—a moment she emphasizes as the epitome of Les’s escalating coercive control that began at the beginning of her time with the Family. Joy was pressured to ignore her feelings about the pervasive physical intimacy, Kurt’s demeanor, and even not to audition for the role of Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Being pressured to ignore her feelings about her putative fiancé provides the most extreme example of this cult tactic that she’s been conditioned to accept.

“I was too young to understand all his controlling behavior was rooted in his upbringing, in what Les had taught him. Man = warrior. Woman = princess. Man be strong. Woman be weak. Woman glad for strong man. Strong man make fire. Man tell woman what to do. Woman thank man with sex.”

In this quote, Joy’s internal monologue reflects the funny and conversational tone of her memoir. She uses “caveman speak,” e.g. “Man be strong,” to position Les’s views about gender dynamics as archetypically caveman-like and regressive, emphasizing that his views do not reflect the realities of the modern world.

“It’s a terrifying feeling to have someone hand you this fragile little human, all soft and gooey with a million working parts, any one of which could stop working in a fraction of a moment and it’s up to you to do the things that keep the gears moving. I started to trust God in a new way. Different from handing over my dreams and hoping He’d bring something else back around. Different from trusting Him to answer prayers for my marriage to be good.”

Joy’s highlights the birth of her daughter, Rosie as the key turning point in her life, her relationship with God, and her journey with the Family. Before Rosie’s birth, she had been conditioned by the cult to trust in God completely to handle everything. Now that she was responsible for a young child, she recognized that she had to exercise some of the agency her father had alluded to as one of God’s gifts to her.

“Now Haley was reflecting on all the time that had passed and was writing new predictions with her little boy.

‘It’s a magical place, son. I’ve seen that magic in your eyes for the past nine years. There’s only one Tree Hill, Jamie Scott, and it’s your home.’

Those were my last words as Haley James Scott.”

This exemplifies the ways in which Dinner for Vampires incorporates traditional elements of a celebrity memoir. For fans of the show, understanding how Joy felt when saying her final lines after seven years on One Tree Hill is an important and interesting insight. This final line also highlights how One Tree Hill, both the show and the fictional place, represented a place of safety and solace for Joy at a time when her marriage was troubled and the Family increasingly unstable.

“The truth was, however, that Harker and Mina’s email unlocked something in me. It gave me permission to think differently. Not right away, but in the weeks that followed it got me thinking, Maybe one day we can do what they did. ‘We’ meaning me and Rosie.”

This quote highlights the impact that Harker and Mina’s email had on Joy and her decision to leave the cult. Joy emphasizes that she conceptualizes the “we” who could leave as herself and her daughter, Rosie. She does not consider that her husband, QB, would ever leave with her, indicating how emmeshed he is in the cult’s dynamics after a lifetime under his father’s control.

“I hated myself. What a waste of space I was. A waste of talent. Of time. I had thrown away what little spare time I had chasing a God I was now not even sure existed, enduring years of abuse in a pathetic cult of selfish people, and living in a place where every dream I had went to die.”

This quote describes Joy’s feelings of self-loathing, embarrassment, and despair after she left the Family. With the benefit of distance and hindsight, she’s able to see the cult’s leadership as “selfish people.” The experience profoundly shook her faith, something that had been central to her identity since childhood. Joy positions her experiences as illustrative of the mindset many survivors of cults and gives insight into the aftermath of breaking free from a high-control group.

“To them, losing would mean they’d failed God and He wasn’t on their side. And if God wasn’t on their side, then their whole belief system would disintegrate and everything they’d been doing for decades would become meaningless. They had to double down, again and again, until everyone else submitted. This way they wouldn’t ever have to question themselves or doubt their righteousness. Objectively, I understood their dilemma. It was classic narcissism, only in a group format.”

Here, Joy explains why, even in the face of opposing evidence, cult members will choose to “double down” or recommit to their beliefs: as a result of manipulative and coercive tactics of psychological control, their entire identity rests upon it. Joy demonstrates her newfound understanding of cults and the distance she now has from the Family by describing how she “objectively” understands why cult members act the way they do. An “objective,” rather than a “subjective,” highlights Joy’s growth, having achieved a more impersonal, academic view of cult behavior.