If Only I Had Told Her

Finn helps Autumn deal with her hangover. Finn privately believes Autumn knows how he feels but doesn’t reciprocate: When they were younger, she did not kiss him back when he kissed her. Their mothers—best friends and neighbors whom they call “The Mothers”—are away on a wine weekend to celebrate Autumn’s mother getting a divorce. Autumn returns to her house, which is next door, to shower, and Finn contemplates how his mother and Jack believe he should tell Autumn about his feelings.

Finn has always been in love with Autumn, but she never seemed to notice. Nevertheless, they were always together until middle school. At that point, they did not have the same classes or lunch period, and Finn made a new friend, Jack. He did not see Autumn as much until Christmas break of seventh grade when they were friends again. Finn decided to make his move and kiss her. He gripped her arm so tightly that he left a bruise, and Autumn ran away as soon as the kiss ended. They drifted apart after this, so it affirmed Finn’s belief that Autumn doesn’t share his feelings. However, telling Jack what happened helped him feel better, and his mother told him to focus on what makes him happy.

Finn gets a call from Sylvie, and the conversation is awkward. Afterward, Finn recalls how he met Sylvie at the beginning of high school, just after he made the varsity soccer team. As he was going to practice, he ran into Autumn’s friends from middle school. They were now all cheerleaders and did not seem to spend time with or talk about Autumn anymore.

With Autumn no longer in the house with him, Finn considers Jack’s theory that Autumn is trying to hurt Finn by reminding him of his love for her. He texts Autumn, but she does not respond as quickly as she usually does. After Finn and Sylvie broke up during their sophomore year, he swore he was not in love with Autumn anymore to persuade Sylvie to date him again. Finn is only breaking up with Sylvie because he and Autumn are friends again—not because he thinks they will date.

Finn has not gotten a response to his text to Autumn, so he goes next door and knocks. He does not get an answer, but he goes inside and finds Autumn emotional. He’s pleased about the opportunity to comfort her, but he then feels guilty about enjoying it. It turns out she is sad that she finished writing her book, and she says that she feels like the characters are dead. Finn is relieved, but Autumn is annoyed when he laughs at her. He asks to read the book. She at first refuses but then agrees to let him read the novel.

When Finn realizes Autumn has not eaten, they drive to get tacos; he knows her favorite kind. They talk about their futures, and Finn shares that he is interested in studying the brain. Finn drives to a gas station that sells Autumn’s favorite candy but leaves her in the car because he does not want her to be leered at by the cashier. The cashier asks Finn what being with Autumn is like, and Finn leaves without his change.

Finn and Autumn return to Finn’s house, and he starts to read the novel. Autumn seems nervous and asks him not to overthink the story. When he begins reading, he notices that certain characters remind him of himself or of people he knows. The two main characters, Aden and Izzy, are similar to him and Autumn: “[T]he way that Aden loves Izzy? That is me” (73). The novel involves Aden and Izzy kissing. Autumn leaves the room while he’s reading.