47 pages • 1 hour read
Laura NowlinIf Only I Had Told Her
Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2024A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 3, Chapters 1-7Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 3: “Autumn”
Part 3, Chapter 1 Summary
Autumn visits a baby boutique with her mother and Angelina the day after Halloween. The baby does not feel real to her, but she tries to appear excited. She believes her mother and Angelina are trying to get her excited about having a baby so that she has something to look forward to. Autumn’s morning sickness is impacting her, and she throws up in a trash can in the mall. She speaks to Angelina about motherhood and her anxieties about it. Angelina reassures her, “It’s still worth it, Autumn, even if they die” (289).
Part 3, Chapter 2 Summary
Autumn visits her friend Angie, who is a teenage mother with a young baby. When Autumn tells Angie about her pregnancy, Angie is unsurprised that the father is Finn. Angie shares that motherhood is hard and lonely, and Autumn confides that after Finn died, she thought being dead might be better until she realized she was pregnant. Angie says Autumn needs to find more of a reason to live than just having a baby. On the drive home, Autumn and her mother talk, and Claire makes sure Autumn knows that she will support whatever Autumn wants to do regarding the baby.
Part 3, Chapter 3 Summary
Autumn sees her psychiatrist, Dr. Singh, and they speak about her failing to find a therapist. He agrees to be her therapist if she also attends group therapy. Autumn is reluctant because she had a negative experience with group therapy at the hospital after her suicide attempt. Dr. Singh is adamant that it will be helpful, and Autumn relents because she does not want to keep trying out other therapists.
Part 3, Chapter 4 Summary
Angie takes Autumn to a coffee and smoothie shop. Angie shares that earlier that day, her daughter, Guinevere, was sleeping so deeply Angie worried she was dead. Dave, Angie’s husband, calls Angie asking to be picked up from school. There is tension between Angie and Dave because they are both tired and stressed, but Autumn encourages Angie to tell Dave how much she cares. Sylvie enters the café; feeling she cannot get a second smoothie while Sylvie is in line, Autumn grows sad. Angie goes to get Autumn a smoothie, and Sylvie tells Angie to tell Autumn congratulations and that she hopes Autumn is feeling better.
Part 3, Chapter 5 Summary
Autumn, Angelina, and Claire go to a resale shop to get baby items. Angelina shares that the early stages of motherhood can be lonely and that she hardly saw Claire for the first few months they were both mothers. After seeing the resale prices, Autumn realizes how hard it will be for her mother to afford the items. Her father recently left the country for work, and Autumn assumes that he is providing the money to pay for the baby items.
Part 3, Chapter 6 Summary
Autumn goes to the group therapy session and talks to another young woman, Brittaney. In the bathroom during a break, Brittaney asks if Autumn is pregnant. Brittaney is 21 and has had three children. When Autumn leaves the first session, Claire asks if it will be helpful, but Autumn is unsure.
Part 3, Chapter 7 Summary
Angie admires the new baby furniture at Autumn’s house. Autumn has been going to the library and getting books on pregnancy and child development. At first, she was nervous about checking out books related to her pregnancy, but the librarians were excited for her. She considers the type of parent she wants to be, and as she reflects on who she is—i.e., a writer—Autumn recalls that she cried while trying to edit her novel. Angie shares that she does not have a life outside of motherhood. Autumn suggests that they watch a horror movie and then go to the library to check out a horror book so that Angie, a fan of the genre, can remember who she is. Angie reassures her, “[W]e’re going to be okay” (335).
Part 3, Chapters 1-7 Analysis
Autumn is stuck in her grief as Part 3 begins, in part because of how Finn’s death has affected her sense of identity. Her inability to read or write, for example, is not simply a failure of motivation. Rather, at the time of Finn’s death, she had just finished her novel and shared it with Finn, which was the catalyst for them having a conversation about their true feelings. Moreover, her main character is based on Finn, making the novel all the more deeply intertwined with Finn’s memory. Consequently, Autumn can’t edit her story without crying. At the same time, she is troubled by her inability to write, as reading and writing are core aspects of who she is. As Finn notes early on: “Books are Autumn’s real life. She is made of the stories she has read” (43). The establishment of Autumn’s struggles with her self-conception lays the groundwork for the novel’s exploration of how Loss of Identity Leads to Growth.
Autumn’s pregnancy gives her a new way of understanding herself, but it also presents its own challenges. Some of these are physical, but others speak to Autumn’s ongoing struggles with grief. Having Finn’s baby gives Autumn a purpose, but it is also a way of clinging to Finn. This is perhaps why Claire and Angelina’s attempts to help Autumn find something to be excited about fall flat. Their shopping excursions for baby items are well-meaning, but for much of the time, Autumn remains passive and indifferent to the process. Even when Autumn begins to move from passively enduring the pregnancy to taking ownership of it, the results are mixed. Because Autumn is such an avid reader, seeking out books to understand her pregnancy shows that it is becoming real to her and represents an attempt to integrate her former and current selves. However, Autumn still has no positive interests of her own.
Angie is well placed to recognize this, as she feels like her own identity has been erased by motherhood. In seeking to remedy this—e.g., suggesting that they watch a horror movie—Autumn also takes the first steps toward helping herself. Angie reciprocates in kind; when she realizes that Autumn has not been reading for fun but has instead focused entirely on parenthood and pregnancy books, she reorganizes their day. She tells Autumn that they need to go to the library so that Autumn and she can both get books to read. Autumn’s relationship with Angie is therefore key to her journey beyond her grief.
The group therapy sessions open up the possibility of further friendships, although Autumn is initially unsure that she could ever connect with the others in the group and misjudges Brittaney, the closest connection she makes. Autumn similarly cuts herself off from the possibility of connection with Sylvie when she avoids getting in the same line. This seems to be driven by Autumn’s guilt over having cheated with Sylvie’s boyfriend, but Sylvie herself expresses congratulations and well wishes for Autumn’s pregnancy, suggesting that they could bond in their shared grief.
