In My Time of Dying: How I Came Face to Face with the Idea of an Afterlife

The narrative begins with Junger describing the onset of severe abdominal pain. He started to feel these symptoms in September, when his eldest daughter Zana was two and a half years old. The pain was sudden and burning, located below his sternum, prompting Junger to think, “This is the kind of pain where you later find out you’re going to die” (13). Despite its intensity, Junger initially ignored it, as he had done with other physical ailments in the past. The pain persisted for months, coinciding with the birth of his younger daughter and the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

In response to the pandemic, Junger moved his family to a remote property on Cape Cod. He describes their house, which was originally built in 1800. It was situated at the end of a dirt road surrounded by pine forests, and the property included an organic farm. Junger provides background on the property’s previous owner, Waldo Frank, a socialist writer with connections to various social and political movements of the twentieth century. He mentions that “radicals” had long sought refuge in the area to avoid federal scrutiny. Junger also details his family’s daily life at their new home, including cutting firewood and protecting chickens from predators. He reflects on his daughter Zana’s limited social interactions due to COVID-19, mentioning an incident in which she made chalk drawings on the road that were washed away by rain. This incident led him to contemplate the indifference of the universe to human efforts and emotions.

Junger recounts a vivid dream he had one morning. In this dream, he saw his wife and daughters sobbing and holding each other while he watched from above and was unable to communicate with them. He was made to understand that he had died and that he couldn’t comfort them because he’d already crossed over. A voice in the dream explained that he died because he hadn’t taken his life seriously. Junger woke up engulfed in anguish and shame, finding comfort in the physical presence of his family sleeping beside him.

Later that morning, on June 16, 2020, Junger felt an unusual urgency to clear the driveway for emergency access. He spent the early afternoon clearing the underbrush with a chainsaw, and after completing this task, he suggested to his wife Barbara that they spend time together in Waldo Frank’s old writing studio. He notes making an uncommon remark about the uncertainty of life, which briefly unsettled his wife.

While in the cabin, Junger experienced intense abdominal pain. His condition rapidly deteriorated; he lost the ability to stand and started experiencing vision loss. Barbara faced the challenge of getting Junger, who outweighed her by 50 pounds, back to the house without any means to call for help. Barbara slowly helped him back to their house, where they struggled to call for emergency services due to poor phone reception.

While waiting for the paramedics, Junger continued to lose his vision. Once the paramedics arrived, they told Junger that he was likely just experiencing dehydration and that he needed to drink water and rest in the shade. Barbara protested, telling the paramedics that Junger was experiencing blindness and that he was passing in and out of consciousness. The paramedics made a “deal” with Junger, saying that if he could walk on his own, he wouldn’t need to go to the hospital. Junger took a step and collapsed to his knees. The paramedics loaded him into the ambulance.

The narrative provides detailed medical information about blood loss and shock, explaining the physiological changes Junger was experiencing. Junger explains that a healthy person can lose 15% of their blood without much effect, but at 30% loss, the body goes into compensatory shock. At 40% blood loss, the body crosses into a state from which it cannot recover on its own, entering hemorrhagic shock.

Junger describes the ambulance ride, during which his condition worsened. The paramedics initially underestimated the severity of his condition, partly due to Junger’s athletic physiology masking the extent of his blood loss. During the ride, Junger experienced a spasm that lifted his body off the stretcher. He lost control of his bowels and began convulsing. Despite these alarming symptoms, the paramedic still categorized Junger as an EMS priority two, meaning his condition was potentially serious but not immediately life-threatening.

Upon arrival at Cape Cod Hospital in Hyannis, doctors quickly recognized the gravity of Junger’s situation. Dr. Craig Cornwall and Dr. Steve Kohler, the attending physicians, noted Junger’s gray appearance and minimal responsiveness. Dr. Kohler suspected a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm, a condition with a high mortality rate. The narrative details the medical procedures, including the insertion of a central line into Junger’s jugular vein for a massive blood transfusion. This process, described in detail, involved using an ultrasound to guide the needle insertion and threading a catheter into the vein. The narrative explains the complexities of massive blood transfusions, including the need to sequence different blood products and the risks associated with severe blood loss. Junger notes the risks associated with severe blood loss, including the “trauma triad of death”: hypothermia, acidosis, and coagulopathy.

The author recounts his mental state during this crisis, describing a sense of being pulled into a dark, infinitely deep pit on his left side. Junger experienced a vision in which his deceased father appeared above him, seeming to invite him to “cross over.” This vision confused and unsettled Junger, who didn’t realize he was dying. Junger notes that in life, his father was a rationalist who rejected anything that couldn’t be measured or tested. Junger tells an anecdote about his mother’s approach to treating her cancer—she had wanted to use alternative methods like macrobiotics and yoga—which illustrates the tension between his parents’ differing beliefs about health and spirituality.

Junger recalls a trip he took to Spain in his youth, where he narrowly avoided spending a dangerous night in the mountains near Salamanca. This experience left him with a sense of existing in two parallel realities. Junger then delves into his family history, focusing on his father Miguel and grandmother Adrienne’s connections to prominent physicists in early twentieth-century Austria. He describes the scientific revolution in physics that occurred in the German-speaking world, mentioning figures such as Einstein, Viktor Lang, and Franz Exner. The narrative explores the lives and work of physicists like Ludwig Boltzmann, who developed statistical mechanics and had depression, and Fritz Hasenöhrl, who died in World War I. Junger details Erwin Schrödinger’s contributions to quantum mechanics, along with his complex personal life, including his relationship with Junger’s great-aunt Ithi. The narrative draws parallels between Junger’s near-death experience and concepts from quantum physics, such as Schrödinger’s famous thought experiment (a hypothetical scenario in which a cat is sealed in a box with a radioactive isotope, and is considered simultaneously alive and dead until it is observed). The chapter concludes by relating how Junger perceived his father’s presence as he hovered between life and death in the hospital, connecting this to the idea of quantum superposition, the principle that particles can exist in multiple states simultaneously until measured or observed.