Paris: The Memoir

“In the context of a technological renaissance, the story of my life makes perfect sense.”

These words demonstrate the degree to which Hilton believes technology has influenced and been involved in her life. She says that technological change in society works well with her ADHD brain, but also that her adolescence without cell phones worked in her favor. The evolution of technology has moved along with Paris as she enters different stages of her life.

“We’d always been close, but now we were feeling some of the friction burn that happens naturally between moms and teenage daughters. Mom was super conservative; I was super not.”

These words describe the beginning of the complications that arise in the relationship between Kathy and Hilton. The two will be at odds for years, and Hilton will have a strained relationship with her mother at times after she is released from the residential schools. Despite these differences, Hilton later acknowledges the part she sometimes played to exacerbate issues between them. Taking Responsibility for One’s Actions is a major theme in Hilton’s memoir. It is important to her to be open and honest about her own shortcomings or misbehaviors while also giving herself credit and freedom as her own entity.

“As surely as plastic bags make the wind blow, the shame was on me for ruining this poor man’s life.”

Hilton was blamed for the pass her teacher made at her even though she was in junior high, and he was an adult. As an adult, she is able to understand that all fault lies with him. This statement is a reversal of reality, as the wind actually blows plastic bags. This is clear to the reader but was not clear to Hilton in her childhood. A major element of Hilton’s story involves reclaiming her own sexuality. So often in the story it is used against her without her consent, such as in this instance.

“Everyone loved her style and spirit. Even as a kid, I recognized that. She didn’t have the resources I saw on the Hilton side of my family; she made things happen with audacity and strength of will.”

These words describe Gram Cracker. She is Kathy’s mom and is a positive influence on Hilton’s life. While Hilton feels estranged from her family when she is sent to live with her grandmother, she generally enjoys her time there. She idolizes aspects of her grandmother, such as her strength, and later embodies these same characteristics as she takes back her own narrative.

“Meanwhile, my parents were getting calls and emails from the school, so they were unhappy. The whole school situation caused friction between us and made Mom cry, and this made me feel terrible. I kept promising to do better—and I really wanted to—but I kept failing tests and ditching classes. Eventually Professional Children’s School kicked me out.”

Hilton is kicked out of numerous schools throughout her life. These words demonstrate the degree to which she wanted but was unable to succeed, harking back to The Blessings and Hardships of ADHD. She found herself stuck in a cycle of disobedience and could not focus in a neurotypical learning environment. Had the school or her family been aware of her condition and what needed to be done to improve it, she may have had a different adolescent experience. She uses these memories as a catalyst for future change, particularly in the way she open-mindedly approaches the children in her life.

“[W]hen my bedroom door crashed open, and someone tore the covers off me. A thick hand grabbed my ankle and dragged me off the mattress. I was instantly awake—hyperawake—in a state of panic, shrieking, struggling. My mind instantly went to the obvious.”

These words describe Hilton’s transport to her first residential facility. She has nightmares in the future about being taken away in this manner and has difficulty sleeping when she is older because of it. This conflict is the first of many that severely complicate her relationship with her parents. They are the reason she was taken in the night in that particular way, and thus, they are responsible for her anxieties relating to the experience.

“Desperate parents latched on to the idea of this artsy, intellectual place where ‘tough love’ would fix a broken child they loved but could not understand. A staff psychiatrist made regular visits to the CEDU campus to supply prescription drugs and report back to parents on their child’s progress.”

These words describe the promise of the residential facilities. Hilton understands that her parents thought they were doing what was best for her, but she spends much of her memoir and her advocacy time informing people of the lies the facilities tell. Still, she extends a certain grace to her parents, understanding their point of view despite the outcome of their decisions.

“Mom and Dad: I apologize. I am so sorry. Not knowing where your child is—that’s a kind of psychological torture, too. I’m sorry I was insensitive to how cruel that really was. I’m sorry my choices put you in a place that must have seemed like a no-win situation. I love you, Mom and Dad. And I forgive you, even if you don’t ask.”

These words exemplify the theme of Taking Responsibility for One’s Actions. She apologizes to numerous people in her book for her past behavior. She mentions, however, that her parents do not ask for forgiveness, which can be seen as an indictment against them in itself. She allows them to have what seem to her to be coping mechanisms to deal with their own role in her trauma.

“I hated the whimpering rabbit sound that came out of me. It wasn’t my clever baby voice; it was genuine panic.”

These words demonstrate the dehumanizing nature of sexual degradation. This is the sound that comes out of Hilton’s mouth as she is forced to undergo a strip and cavity search in front of others. In this moment, others are exerting force and control over her body without her consent. These traumatic moments reinforce her desire to take back her own sexuality later in the narrative.

“I know she meant to humiliate me with those hideous magenta sweats, but pink has always been my power color. The way I walk has nothing to do with what I wear. You think a model loves every look that gets put on her? At sixteen, I’d worn some amazing clothes on the runway, but I’d worn my share of nightmare getups, too. I had already learned that the walk comes from within. You wear the clothes; the clothes don’t wear you.”

These words describe one way in which Hilton’s past helped her in the facilities. She was able, at times, to draw on her strengths to help her survive her ordeal. Similarly, when she was sexually assaulted by her teacher, she chose to imagine that she was irresistible instead of facing the reality of the situation head on. She is repeatedly able to make the best of the situation in the moment to cope, but she later acknowledges the full breadth of her experiences and The Importance of Placing Blame Where It Is Deserved.

“You’ll graduate when you turn eighteen, and by then, you won’t even want to leave. A lot of the team leaders and counselors are graduates. They’re required to work the program right alongside us.”

These words describe what Hilton was told about her days at the treatment center. If these words are accurate, they imply that some graduates do not feel able to survive in the outside world. It also speaks to the power dynamic at the schools. Those receiving abuse would be able to take back power in their lives by then abusing others in the same way. Hilton is able to empower herself in a healthier way through her honesty and empathy.

“The most disturbing thing was the blank stares of the naked girls as they washed themselves in the lukewarm spray. They were used to it. This was their life. They just accepted it.”

At this point, Hilton is disturbed by the treatment. By the end of her time in the facilities, she does not protest these showers, as she has become accustomed to them, demonstrating how she changed during her time locked away. This shows the effect that trauma has had on Hilton, stripping her of her boundaries and even forcing her to become emotionally numb to bad situations.

“The person getting blown away would sit there with big, wounded, watery eyes, and, for the moment, it was tempting to pounce. You wanted to feel safe, and there’s a brittle shell of power in being a bully. But that shell of safety is weak and unstable, and what goes around comes around, so the bullies were more terrified than anyone else. The kids who did the hurting were just as damaged as the kids they victimized.”

These words demonstrate how employees of the residential facilities would pit the students against one another. This was a way to keep the students in line and keep them from trusting one another. This is described as a purely abusive activity. Everyone must participate, or things considerably worsen for the nonparticipant. In this way, Hilton lost her “filter,” and has later apologized for the things she said both in Rap and outside in the real world.

“A lot of them were crying. No doubt, this was an intense thing to witness, and I suppose that was the whole point. That’s why they didn’t need barbed wire or steel bars or iron doors. There was something a lot stronger keeping people inside.”

Here, Hilton describes her beating once she has returned from running away. She focuses more on the witnesses than she does on her own experience. In doing this, she is highlighting the level of manipulation and abuse that occurs at these schools. By turning the students against one another, they were able to ensure that no close relationships or alliances were ever formed. This kept their reputation intact and prevented anyone reporting the abuse or making changes.

“It’s cute how I kept forgetting that my mom is way smarter than me.”

Throughout her memoir, Hilton describes the intelligence and competence of her parents. She believed she could run away because she underestimated her mother. This is an example of a time in the memoir when she gives credit to her mother, further highlighting the honest complexity of parental relationships. The reader has knowledge of her parents’ behavior and how it affected Hilton but must also understand Hilton’s respect for her parents. By doing this, Hilton does not demonize her family in the memoir.

“This is hard for all of us. We have to be strong. We have one year left before you turn eighteen. This is our last chance to save you. We have to see it through.”

These words describe Kathy’s belief that what they are doing is the only way to save their daughter. She places her faith in the facilities and believes the staff rather than her daughter. Again, Hilton addresses her mother’s positive intentions, despite the horrific outcomes.

“But I do believe that my parents would never have sent me there if they’d known what was happening behind closed doors.”

These words demonstrate the faith Hilton has in her parents. They harmed her by locking her away, but she does not believe they would have done this had they had all of the information. Despite her complex relationship with her family, she continues to clarify their intentions and not to vilify them.

“They took your underwear and bra when you went to Obs so you couldn’t use them to kill yourself. Sometimes they gave girls shorts and a tank shirt made of a sort of gauzy muslin. Other times not. I don’t remember having anything on that first time.”

These words further describe the sexual degradation the girls had to go through. They were under observation but were forced to be completely naked while locked away. In clarifying the sexual abuse she went through in the facilities, she is advocating for the safety of future students and breaking her silence.

“While I was locked up, Nicky and I sort of switched places; she moved forward while I stood still—or was dragged backward. When I came out of Provo, she was fiercely protective of me, and I looked up to her, as if she had become the big sister and I was the little sis, always trying to catch up. I still feel that way today.”

Hilton is two years older than her sister. After her experience in the residential schools, Hilton feels like she was stunted and is trying to mature to the level of her sister. This demonstrates the stagnation Hilton experienced because of her time in the facilities.

“The bad moments also live on and probably get more retweets. But the takeaway is, wear what makes you feel good. When I share looks, ideas, and products as an influencer, my goal is not to teach you how to please other people; I’m encouraging you to please yourself.”

Throughout her memoir, Hilton is insistent that people act how they want to act and dress how they want to dress. She does not value conformity, and she regularly advocates for female empowerment and ownership of one’s image and sexuality.

“‘I don’t want to be funny,’ she said. ‘I want to be classy, and if their intention was for us to look classy, the show would be about us living our lives as runway models at New York Fashion Week. This is not that.’”

These words describe the differences between Nicky and Hilton. With the above words, Nicky explains how she does now want to be the object of humor. Hilton, on the other hand, thinks the idea for the reality show is a great idea. Hilton is thinking of the show in terms of how she can further brand herself.

“Again: I was born to privilege. I’m not minimizing that. But I could have coasted, and I never did. I worked. And every time my life fell apart, I worked harder.”

Hilton maintains from the beginning of her book that she is responsible for her success. She knows she had advantages, but she also knows how hard she worked.

“Coachella and I have a history. We both entered the grown-up world in 1999, struggled for a few years, found our footing, and spent the next two decades raging in all our neon glory.”

Hilton sees her life as defined, in part, by the decades in which she lived and the pop culture of that time. In her young adulthood, she goes to many festivals and eventually works as a DJ.