She's Not Sorry

“I should have been here sooner—the appointment was over by nine thirty—but after what happened, I walked the city for miles, considering taking the whole day and letting someone else cover for me, even though I only had shift coverage for a few hours. In the end, I came to work. I had to talk myself into it, but it was what I needed to do. I needed to act like nothing was wrong because if I didn’t, there would be questions. Everyone would want to know where I was and why I didn’t come in and besides, I thought work would be a welcome distraction. I was wrong.”

Meghan’s response to Caitlin Beckett’s hospital admittance augments the narrative tension and mystery. At the same time, this passage introduces several of the primary narrative themes, including Secrets and Their Destructive Consequences and Stalled Recovery From Trauma. Meghan is alluding to pushing Caitlin over the edge of the pedestrian bridge—a secret she plans on keeping from everyone and cannot even face herself. She doesn’t explicitly state why she was late or why she needs to pretend everything is normal at work because she is in denial and afraid to face the consequences of her misdeeds.

“I take the Red Line home from the church, heading north. It’s getting close to nine o’clock now and I feel uneasy, out at this time of night, worried about myself and worried about Sienna at home alone. I’ve never been afraid in this city, not until the recent spate of robberies and attacks, which has the whole neighborhood on edge.”

The robberies and attacks in Meghan’s neighborhood stir subtextual narrative tension and complicate the narrative stakes. Meghan’s repeated references to feeling unsafe and worrying about her and Sienna’s safety further contribute to the unsettled, tense narrative atmosphere. These unresolved crimes are also a narrative device used to distract from the novel’s primary mystery and therefore from Meghan’s true nature and real misdeeds.

“‘From what I’ve heard, it’s different for everyone,’ I say, letting my gaze drift back to Caitlin, my eyes fixing on the placid, restful look on her face, but seeing flashes of something else: fear, shock, pain, dismay. I think again about the fall itself, of what it would have been like to tumble from that height. I linger on her desperation, a last-ditch effort to undo it, to stop herself, and then spinning, flailing, hitting the earth. I try to be unemotional and clinical, to think of her as I would any patient, but it’s hard. I’m only human.”

Caitlin’s presence at the hospital complicates Meghan’s carefully curated reality and identity. Meghan wants to believe that she’s a caring, sacrificial person at work and at home. However, being around Meghan ignites her traumatic memories and her guilt. The way that she thinks about Caitlin’s fall foreshadows the coming revelations about Meghan’s crime.

“I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. Not far from us, there was a highway overpass that crossed over the expressway. The year after I left high school for college, my little sister drove her car out close to that overpass. She parked on the shoulder of the road just before it, walked a hundred feet to the dead center of the bridge, climbed to the top of the concrete parapet and jumped. When I tell her, Mrs. Beckett stares open-mouthed at me, as if this revelation binds us, as if it makes us kindred spirits.”

Meghan’s past trauma influences her life in the present. Ever since her younger sister, Bethany, died by suicide, Meghan has been hiding from her past. She relates the story to Caitlin’s mother because she wants Amelia Beckett to think that she’s understanding and relatable. This moment therefore complicates how the other characters see Meghan and develops the novel’s explorations of trauma and recovery.

“I find myself on a trip down memory lane, discovering a lock of hair from her first haircut and a cozy, wearable sleep sack that stirs up memories of sleepless nights in the rocking chair in her room—a time when I wished her older so she’d sleep through the night, but that I would give anything to have back now. I press the sleep sack to my chest, smelling it, embracing it. I’m somewhere far away, deep in thought.”

Meghan’s trip into the basement for her family scrapbooks instigates a temporal shift into the past. The scrapbooks and Meghan’s family mementos transport her to scenes from her former life, showcasing The Impact of Past Actions on Present Circumstances. Her memories underscore Meghan’s fraught relationship with the past and her lifelong attempts to bury what she’s experienced in order to craft alternate versions of reality, truth, and self.

“Once I started dating Ben in high school, I spent more time with him than my friends anyway. Ben was there at the funeral with me, standing by my side through the services. After I returned to college, I abandoned all aspects of my past life except for Ben and tried to forget what happened, as if that was possible. My parents left my childhood home, citing too many painful memories, and there was never a reason to go back.”

Meghan’s sister’s death by suicide drives her complicated relationship with the past. After losing Bethany, Meghan convinced herself that she could forget and therefore escape the past. She told herself this lie because she was afraid of facing her guilt, grief, and trauma. Denying how the past impacts the present, however, only precludes Meghan from healing.

“In the last couple hours, the gossip mill has been at it again. It’s all anyone is talking about, how Caitlin Beckett was pushed from the pedestrian bridge. I’ve heard it again and again—at the nurses’ station, in the break room. Did you hear? The police were here. Caitlin Beckett didn’t jump after all. She was pushed. Eyes glinted as they spoke. Dear God and How awful, people said, but their voices betrayed them. They were less compassionate and more gossipy, everyone eager to find someone who hadn’t yet heard so they could be the one to break the news.”

The police investigation into Caitlin’s accident on the bridge unsettles Meghan’s state of mind. Her emotional response to the investigation also gestures toward the truth of her involvement in what happened to Caitlin. Meghan is desperate to prove herself blameless and therefore to bury her past in order to escape the consequences of her actions. The investigation makes her fear discovery and therefore heightens the narrative tension.

“‘It’s just that I worry about you and Sienna,’ he admits. ‘Not that you can’t take care of yourselves—you can—but, I don’t know—all these stories on the news. This fucking madman going after women. I lose sleep over it some nights.’”

Luke Albrecht’s concern for Meghan and Sienna keeps Meghan from perceiving the truth of his character—i.e., his perpetration of the attacks. She never questions Luke’s motives because she’s desperate for a friend and feels isolated and unprotected.

“The similarity to my former patient, Anne, and her claim that she fell down the basement steps is upsetting. I think back to Anne and how her husband ended up killing her eventually, and how I regretted not doing more to help while she was still alive. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time for someone like Nat. I remember reading that somewhere. For men who wind up killing their spouses, the inciting incident is, most often, when a woman leaves or threatens to leave.”

Meghan attaches herself to Nat because she’s desperate to make up for her past mistakes and wrongs. She still feels guilty for failing to save her former patient, Anne, and convinces herself that she can atone by helping Nat. Indeed, the majority of Meghan’s actions in the narrative present are inspired by her desperate attempts to atone for her past behaviors.

“My mother once told me that I was born to be a nurse because it was in my nature to help people. It makes it easier that Sienna is with Ben tonight and I’m the only one home. I have to work all weekend. I’d agreed to take on a few extra shifts for another nurse, because I could use the money and Sienna wasn’t going to be home anyway. I didn’t think it would matter. Now I regret it. But it will be fine. We’ll figure something out. I know Nat and, if the situation were reversed, she would do the same for me.”

Meghan opens herself to danger when she lets Nat into her life. She fails to perceive the truth of Nat’s manipulations and nefarious intentions because she herself is using Nat to prove that she’s a good person. She also deceives herself into believing that Nat is trustworthy because she is desperate for love and reciprocity.

“I wince. It’s reasons like this I hate letting Sienna spend time with Ben, not that I have a choice. He puts ideas in her head. He brainwashes her. He wins her over with things like Dear Evan Hansen tickets and then sways her in his favor, because that’s the kind of thing Ben would say, how I divorced him. I did, but it’s not the whole story.”

Meghan’s desire for power and control dominates her primary relationships. The way that she relates to Ben and Sienna is particularly driven by her determination to prove herself a devoted parent and a good person. She wants to be better than Ben because she fears that she’s a bad person and wants to control others’ perception of her so that this secret does not come to light.

“I vowed to never tell either of them, and, in time, I came to forget myself that they were not biologically related. I started to believe the lie that Sienna’s blond hair came from Ben’s mom. I told it so many times, eventually it just rolled off the tongue whenever someone pointed out the disparity between Sienna, Ben, and me.”

Meghan becomes so accustomed to telling herself lies that she distorts her perception of reality. Over time, her habit of keeping secrets warps the way that she sees the world, herself, and her relationships with others.

“‘For all of Caitlin’s life, Amelia and I would tiptoe around her, afraid to do anything that might set her off. But she had Amelia, in particular, in an emotional death grip, because Amelia wanted more than anything to be close to her, to be her confidante and a good mom. You have a daughter. I’m sure you can understand. We have two sons, but Caitlin is our only daughter. Amelia would do anything to earn her affection and love, which was parceled out by design. Imagine,’ he says, ‘loving this tiny little human so much and so unconditionally, and then one day, she turns on you and becomes the source of so much pain.’”

Tom tells Meghan how difficult Caitlin has always been and how she has hurt and abused people. Once Meghan realizes that Caitlin might wake up and reveal her secrets, Meghan kills her to liberate herself. However, she tells herself this is the right decision because she’s helping people like Tom, whom Caitlin has victimized, thus using Tom Beckett’s revelations to justify her decision to kill Caitlin.

“One minute and twenty seconds. One minute and ten seconds. One minute. The Wi-Fi isn’t strong and I worry it will fail, that I’ll lose the connection before the money can send. If that happens, there isn’t time to try again. Regret fills me. I shouldn’t have let her go to school today. I should have kept her home. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Nat in the first place. I shouldn’t have put her safety before Sienna’s. This is my fault. It’s my fault this is happening.”

The style and syntax of this passage reflect Meghan’s harried state of mind. Meghan maintains a calm, cool, and unaffected demeanor and narrative tone throughout the majority of the novel. However, once Sienna is in danger, her narrative becomes fragmented and scattered. This passage conveys Meghan’s desperation and therefore Nat’s power over her.

“‘That woman is merciless,’ he says. ‘I spent five years of my life behind bars. I’m a registered sex offender now, which means I can’t step foot in a park and every time I try and find a job, they run a background check. The best I can get is as a general laborer when I have a master’s degree in culinary arts. My life is over. That woman ruined it, and what’s worse is that my wife took our son and left because she believed I had those things on my computer. I lost my family, my business, my reputation, everything.’”

Milo Finch’s revelations about how Caitlin hurt him further fuel Meghan’s hatred of Caitlin and desire for revenge. She uses Milo’s story to convince herself that Caitlin deserves to die. At the same time, Meghan doesn’t set Milo free even though his story proves that he’s innocent; rather, she uses him as a scapegoat to liberate herself and avoid the consequences of her crimes and secrets, all of which suggests she is more similar to Caitlin than she is different.

“I turn to go. I feel dizzy, weak. I can’t make sense of this, because I know for sure, I remember explicitly, that Nat said her husband worked at Tanner & Levine. It’s possible I might have made one mistake—that I might have confused where Nat worked—but it’s impossible that I would have made two. Which means only one thing. Nat lied. But why?”

Meghan’s sense of truth and reality is dismantled when she discovers that Nat has been deceiving her. Throughout the preceding chapters, Meghan is convinced that she has power and control. In this scene, she’s learning otherwise, and her state of mind fractures in turn. This passage marks a narrative turning point and instigates the climactic scene on the bridge at the end of Part 1.

“‘No wonder your sister killed herself,’ she says, hoping to stun and immobilize me with her words so that she can get away. A train roars in the distance. ‘Haven’t you figured it out by now?’ she goes on. ‘You’re the common denominator, Everyone just wants to get away from you. Now get your fucking hands off me or I’ll tell them what you told me. I’ll tell them who Sienna’s real dad is and how you’re a who—’”

Nat plays on Meghan’s insecurities in an attempt to overpower her. She knows that Meghan is vulnerable and therefore understands how to hurt her. She is the first and only character to confront Meghan for who she truly is and how she has hurt others. However, Nat’s words don’t inspire Meghan to change; rather, they reveal Meghan’s true nature by inspiring Meghan to lash out in violence.

“I need to kill her. I need her dead. It’s not that I want to do this. I’m not a killer. I save people for a living. The idea of taking a human life is unthinkable. I can’t imagine anything worse, but I have so much to lose if she lives. That said, it’s possible. I can kill her. If you work in a hospital long enough you know that some medical mistakes are inevitable. Every nurse has made them in his or her career. I certainly have.”

Meghan uses her nursing position to get away with murder, revealing her true nature in doing so. Instead of coming forward with her crime, Meghan does everything in her power to conceal the truth. Her character is resistant to change because she’s terrified of facing who she really is and what she’s really capable of.

“‘I’m sorry,’ I say, and I am, though I’m not sorry for what I’m doing. I’m sorry that she’s not the person I thought she was. For a moment, I let my thoughts go back to the night I met her at the divorce support group meeting and how grateful I was to have found a friend. I think back to how I embraced her that night in the church, how I held on too long, feeling nostalgic and longing for the past and for simpler, happier times. She preyed on my loneliness and on my desperate need for a friend.”

Meghan kills Caitlin both to get revenge for how Caitlin hurt her and to protect herself from the consequences of her secrets. In this scene, she reframes her relationship with Caitlin to justify her own actions.

“Was he a part of this? Did he help her pull it off? But why? To hurt me, to get back at me for the divorce? I wonder if he told this woman private things about me, like how my sister’s death devastated me. Ben knows me so well. He knows everything about me. He knows I wouldn’t be quick to trust a stranger, to let a stranger into Sienna’s and my home, but an old friend was a safe bet, and an old friend in danger was a slam dunk.”

Meghan’s crimes, secrets, and deceptions prevent her from trusting others and building authentic connections. She still cares for Ben, but she can’t genuinely engage with him because she’s so terrified of being found out and having to face the consequences of her actions and the fallout of her crimes.

“I searched online while I walked, looking for any updates into the investigation of Caitlin’s murder attempt and find [sic] a picture of Milo Finch in a newspaper article dated two days ago, saying how the police are asking for the public’s help in finding him, which means that, as of forty-eight hours ago at least, they still think he did it, that he pushed her over the edge and she can’t say otherwise. It comes as a relief, though my conscience hopes he’s long gone or that he’s found a good hiding spot. I don’t want him to get caught, but if either he or I has to go to jail for it, I hope it’s him.”

Meghan abuses Milo’s vulnerability to liberate herself. Her decision not to turn herself in parallels Caitlin’s and Luke’s crimes and manipulations. Like Caitlin and Luke, Meghan is willing to hurt and abuse others to protect herself.

“There are hot, angry tears in Sienna’s eyes all of a sudden. ‘I fucking hate you,’ she seethes. ‘I meant what I said in that note. You are a bitch. I wish you would have died down there in the basement. I wish you never would have gotten out.’”

Sienna’s discovery about her paternity challenges Meghan to face the lies she’s told and to make amends with her loved ones. However, instead of accepting this challenge, Meghan continues to skirt the consequences of her secrets. She’s desperate to maintain the facade she’s created even after her daughter confronts her about her misdeeds.

“I haven’t seen Ben since that night in my apartment. I know now that it was going too far to think he was there to hurt me or worse. I know the truth now, that Sienna asked him to come and he came only out of concern for me. He came because he was worried about me, because he wanted to see if I was okay, and maybe, just maybe, because some small part of him still loves me. I think what it would do to me if, however impossible, I were to find out right now that Sienna wasn’t mine. It would break me.”

Meghan deludes herself into believing that Ben is as unobservant as everyone else in her life because she’s terrified that Ben might in fact know her secrets. She slips into this comfortable, peaceful state of mind in the wake of the Luke and Sienna incident because she wants to believe that she has power over everyone, including her ex-husband.