The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Bungay Stanier references consultant Peter Block’s two books, Flawless Consulting (1981) and The Answer to How is Yes (2001). Citing Block, he suggests that taking ownership and responsibility for one’s desires is often challenging. He says the question “What do you want?” is at the heart of this book. While this question seems obvious at first, Bungay Stanier argues it can be difficult to articulate wants. Often, what people want is left unspoken. The responsibility of truth rests on both the questioner and recipient of a question. Even when both parties have equally expressed and heard their wants, there remains the possibility of disconnect. Bungay Stanier believes the best way to resolve this disconnect is to understand the difference between wants and needs. He recommends that managers try to see the need behind an answer about wants. He offers research conducted by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, which states that all needs can be classified into nine categories: “affection, creation, recreation, freedom, identity, understanding, participation, protection, subsistence” (115). Rosenberg asserts that wants are more superficial than needs. Bungay Stanier provides scenarios for practical context. For example, someone who says “I want to leave early today” might actually be expressing a need for understanding (115). Recognizing the need behind a want can help managers better understand what drives employees.

Using neuroscience, Bungay Stanier highlights the basics of how the brain discerns whether a situation is safe or not. He argues that understanding this science can help people become better leaders, and then starts a discussion of the risk-reward system in the brain: When people feel safe, they are more productive, creative, and willing to engage (reward), but when they feel threatened, they tend to pull away (risk). Therefore, a coach should make the coached feel safe. The way to do this is to increase what Bungay Stanier refers to as the TERA quotient: Tribe, Expectation, Rank, and Autonomy. Asking “What do you want?” is an effective way to increase this quotient, which can then lead to more productive conversations. It is especially effective at elevating the sense of being a tribe, a team, and framing expectations as non-threats. It also increases rank and autonomy by allowing employees to have a say.

In the workbook section, Bungay Stanier presents a suggestion for a trigger one might recognize, when conversations get stuck. He encourages the reader to replace the habit of assuming others’ wants by asking questions directly. The “From the Box of Crayons Lab” section introduces a school of psychotherapy known as solution-based therapy, and what the school refers to as the miracle question: “Suppose that tonight, while you’re sleeping, a miracle happens. When you get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have suddenly got better?” (126). This miracle question corresponds to “What do you want?” because it also pulls “people to the outcome” (126).