The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Bungay Stanier distinguishes between good work (menial work) and great work (work that provides meaning), noting that when one is engaged in great work, they are more likely to feel satisfied with their job. He proposes that two clichés be abandoned from the lexicon: “It’s a good busy” and “Work smarter, not harder” (165). He claims these are true but useless maxims that do not provide practical advice or direction. Bungay Stanier then introduces the strategic question, “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” He reiterates that “Yes is nothing without the No that gives it boundaries and form” (165). There are two types of “no” answers: those of omission and those of commission. A “no” of omission is “automatically eliminated” and a “no” of commission “is what you now need to say to make the Yes happen” after someone says “no” (165). Bungay Stanier explains what the two types of “no” look like in the real world and demonstrates use of the earlier 3P model (projects, people, and patterns) as it pertains to a “no” of commission.

Bungay Stanier presents an informal poll he conducted on his LinkedIn page, which asks when someone should say “no” and when they should say “yes.” He discusses various findings from the poll and argues that for most people, it is easiest to say “no” to those who are closest and most distant to them. For those between extremes, saying “no” can be challenging. Thus, instead of resorting to a knee-jerk “yes,” one should learn to “say yes more slowly” (168). This gives the responder more time to consider a request and overcome their urge to rescue or please. It also elicits curiosity and four potential responses: stopping further questions, providing answers, seeking answers on one’s own, or stopping a conversation altogether. Bungay Stanier suggests that when a difficult request is given, one difficult to turn down, one should write down the request and then say “no” to it. The act of writing separates the request from the asker, ensuring that one is turning down the request, not the asker. Bungay Stanier segues into a discussion of Roger Martin and A. G. Lafley’s Playing to Win (2013), a book that breaks down strategy into five key questions: “What is our winning aspiration?”; “Where will we play?”; “How will we win?”; “What capabilities must be in place?”; and “What management systems are required?” These questions stem from Bungay Stanier’s question, “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”

In the workbook section, Bungay Stanier prompts the reader to consider specific triggers which lead to “yes”—which should be replaced with “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” He presents findings in the “From the Box of Crayons Lab” section which examine the differences between instinctive decisions and deliberate decisions. He then discusses the planning fallacy, which happens when people overestimate their capacity to complete a task and as a result, fail to do so. Bungay Stanier also discusses the prospect theory, which “tells us that loss and gain are not measured equally” (178). Asking “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?” helps people determine what is worth losing and what is worth keeping.