The Country Wife

Scene One opens the following morning at Pinchwife’s house, where Lucy has dressed Alithea. Lucy comments Alithea is as well-dressed as if she were going to her own funeral, which she imagines is at least as bad as going to Sparkish’s bed. Lucy doesn’t understand why Alithea turned Harcourt away, and Alithea confesses that it is because she loves him. But she is already engaged to Sparkish and hopes that she will eventually learn to love him instead. Lucy asserts, “No, madam, marrying to increase love is like gaming to become rich; alas, you only lose what little stock you had before” (117). Alithea accuses Lucy of having taken bribe money from Harcourt to convince her not to marry Sparkish. Lucy denies this, calling her obsession with her word and her honor “a disease in the head” (117). Alithea affirms that she will marry Sparkish because although Sparkish is not as witty as Harcourt, he is also not jealous as wittier men often are. Jealous men often take freedom away from their wives and move them to the country.

Sparkish and Harcourt enter, and Harcourt is dressed as a parson. Sparkish tells Alithea that, as an apology, Harcourt sent his “twin brother” to marry them. Alithea is not fooled at all and tries to tell Sparkish that Harcourt is tricking him, but Sparkish will not hear it. Sparkish suggests that they ask Lucy, since “chambermaids must needs know chaplains from other men, they are so used to ’em” (121). Lucy replies, “Nay, I’ll be sworn he has the canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a chaplain” (121). Alithea insists that Harcourt can’t stop her from marrying Sparkish. Harcourt expresses his desire to marry her, a double-meaning that Sparkish does not catch. Lucy tells Alithea not to “refuse this reverend divine the honour and satisfaction of marrying you” (123). Harcourt, aside, says that he hopes he can delay their wedding to either marry her first or to at least sleep with her before Sparkish can. Sparkish announces that it is time for the wedding, and all exit.

In Scene Two, Pinchwife and Margery are in their bedchamber. Pinchwife is pressing his wife to tell her what happened with Horner. She tells him that he carried her to a nearby house and kissed her many times as she was the young man she pretended to be and the kisses were for his sister. Horner professed his love, asking her to tell Margery to wait for him at her window at eleven in the morning. She admits that Horner used his tongue when he kissed her, although she threatened to bite him if he did it again. However, if Horner tried to kiss Margery again, she would have a difficult time resisting him. Pinchwife sends her for paper and a pen. He tells her to write a letter to Horner, but she resists, confused as to how she can write a letter to someone who is in the same town. Pinchwife dictates the letter, which claims that Horner’s kisses repulsed her. After much struggling, she finishes the letter and Pinchwife leaves to get sealing wax. While he is out of the room, Margery adds a note at the bottom explaining that her husband forced her to write the letter and that she enjoyed his advances. Pinchwife returns and she seals the letter. Pinchwife relaxes when she is agreeable about sending it.

Scene Three takes place at Horner’s home. Horner is telling the Quack how well his plan worked and how he has been welcomed into the company of women whose husbands think he is impotent. Horner tells the Quack to hide when Lady Fidget arrives so that he can show him what he means. The Quack stands behind a screen to watch. First, Lady Fidget makes Horner promise to take care of her honor. Horner scoffs, “To talk of honour in the mysteries of love is like talking of heaven or the deity in an operation of witchcraft, just when you are employing the devil; it makes the charm impotent” (134-35). Lady Fidget warns him that if he tells other women that he is not impotent, then they will know that he has compromised her honor. He reassures her that theirs will be just as compromised, so they will keep the secret. Lady Fidget asks him not to tell anyone else and they embrace, when Jaspar Fidget enters and catches them. Lady Fidget claims that she was only attempting to tickle Horner, and Jaspar asks why she is there rather than shopping for china as she had claimed. Horner immediately jumps in, complaining about her appearance at his house since all the husbands trust him now and are allowing their wives to bother him. Jaspar laughs to himself, and Lady Fidget complains that her husband left her alone, although she insists that Horner has done nothing untoward. Lady Fidget tells her husband that she is there to bring Horner shopping with her because he knows a lot about china.

Lady Fidget locks herself in Horner’s bedroom (ostensibly until Horner will agree to help her shop). Horner goes around to the other door, and the Quack is amazed as Jaspar watches with no suspicion. Mrs. Squeamish enters, cursing Horner. Upon discovering that Horner is locked in the bedroom with Lady Fidget, she exits, determined to disturb them at the other door. Old Lady Squeamish arrives, complaining about her granddaughter Mrs. Squeamish, who she has followed there. Learning that this is Horner’s residence, Old Lady Squeamish calms down since she has heard that he is now a eunuch. Jaspar agrees, having trusted Horner to be alone with his own wife. Mrs. Squeamish returns, having been unsuccessful at getting into the bedroom. Lady Fidget reenters with Horner, holding a piece of china that she is praising. Mrs. Squeamish insists that she would like some china too, but Horner claims he has no more. Horner promises to have some “china” for her at another time, which Lady Fidget questions. Horner assures her that he means literal china. Old Lady Squeamish offers her sympathy for Horner, as all the women are pursuing him.

Mrs. Squeamish leads Horner out by his tie, demanding that he eat dinner with them. Horner obliges, and Old Lady Squeamish bids him to kiss her to make her be quiet. Horner demurs, claiming that he would rather suffer torture than kiss her, and Old Lady Squeamish bribes him with a piece of art he had been admiring. Feigning reluctance, he kisses her, which Jaspar proclaims to be no more harmful than kissing a dog. The Quack is in awe at what he is seeing. Pinchwife enters, and the ladies quickly beg Jaspar to take them away lest they “be found in the lodging of anything like a man!” (143). They leave. From behind the screen, the Quack observes that Pinchwife looks like “another cuckold” (143). Pinchwife confronts Horner for his “impertinency” (143). Horner reminds Pinchwife that they had been friends since long before he was married, and that Horner has always been trustworthy. Pinchwife agrees, and Horner bids Pinchwife to kiss him. When Pinchwife won’t, Horner points out that it is strange that “a man can’t show his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you” (144). Pinchwife delivers what he describes as “a love letter” (144) from his wife, which he calls proof of his kindness to Horner, although he says, in an aside, that Horner will not find Margery to be so kind when he reads the letter. Horner opens the letter and reacts with surprise, which Pinchwife takes to mean surprise at her vitriol.

Pinchwife threatens Horner that he will not be cuckolded. Horner pretends to be innocent, claiming that he has never met his wife. Pinchwife repeats, “I will not be a cuckold, I say. There will be danger in making me a cuckold” (146). Horner replies, “Why, wert thou not well cured of thy last clap?” (146). Pinchwife reveals that the “young man” Horner kissed repeatedly last night was, in fact, his wife. Horner feigns surprise and tells Pinchwife that the kissing was his fault, as he would never have done that “to a woman before her husband’s face” (147). Pinchwife agrees but tells Horner that although he will allow the letter-writing, he will allow no more, claiming that she wrote the letter voluntarily. Before Pinchwife leaves, Horner tells him to relay the message that he will obey her letter. The Quack emerges, commenting that Pinchwife must not have heard the rumors about Horner being a eunuch. Sparkish enters, pulling Pinchwife back in with him. Sparkish is complaining that Pinchwife won’t go to dinner or church with him. Pinchwife says that Alithea has denied the marriage since they did not have a real parson.

Sparkish insists that she is only being modest and will change her mind at bedtime. He invites Horner to eat with him. Horner seems surprised that a woman has agreed to marry Sparkish. Aside, Horner expresses sympathy for Harcourt for having missed his chance with Alithea. Pinchwife, concerned that Horner is upset about the marriage, exits but agrees to eat dinner with Sparkish. Sparkish asks Horner if he already has men attempting to woo his wife, noting that a rival is useful: “For though my hunger is now my sauce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come when a rival will be as good sauce for a married man to a wife as an orange to veal” (149). Horner asks who will be at dinner, but Sparkish tells him that Pinchwife has not allowed Margery to join them. Horner tells Sparkish that he will only go to dinner if Margery will be there. Sparkish promises to try and get her there.

At the Pinchwife home, Scene Four begins with Margery writing, admitting that she has “got the London disease they call love” (151). Pinchwife enters and surprises her, taking her letter and reading it aloud. In the letter, she begs the recipient to help her escape her marriage, which she did not choose. Irate, Pinchwife draws his sword. Sparkish enters and stops him from hurting her. Sparkish asks where Alithea is, and Pinchwife exclaims, “Making you a cuckold; ’tis that they all do, as soon as they can” (153). But Sparkish doesn’t believe that a woman would cheat before they have even consummated the marriage. Sparkish attempts to lead Margery out of the room to dinner, but Pinchwife tells him to go ahead. Sparkish refuses to leave without her. Finally, he agrees. Sparkish insists that if a woman is going to cuckold her husband, you cannot stop her.