The Country Wife

Pinchwife and Margery enter at the beginning of Scene One. Pinchwife insists that she finish the letter. Margery does so, and Pinchwife is shocked to discover that she is writing the letter at the request of Alithea, who wants to escape her marriage to Sparkish. Margery tells her husband that Alithea asked her to write it because if Horner doesn’t help her escape, it won’t be in her handwriting, so she can claim that it isn’t her letter. Pinchwife wants to speak to Alithea, and Margery panics and asks him to let her confer with Alithea first. Pinchwife assumes that Alithea doesn’t want to get married because Horner wants to marry her and decides to agree: “I’d rather give him my sister than lend him my wife” (157). Margery claims that Alithea won’t speak to her brother. Pinchwife tells her to tell Alithea that if she wants to marry Horner, he will allow it. Margery goes to speak to Alithea and returns, claiming that Alithea wants Pinchwife to take her to Horner’s home so that she can talk to him first. Also, he must blow out the candle so that it will be dark, and she insists on wearing a mask. Impatiently, Pinchwife agrees to these terms.

As Pinchwife asserts that he would rather his sister be too bold with men than his wife, Margery goes into Alithea’s room, dresses in her clothing, and returns in a mask. As they prepare to leave, Pinchwife remembers that he needs to lock his wife in her room. In the dark, Margery pretends that he is doing so. In Scene Two, the Quack comments that Horner is by himself, with no women or cuckolded husbands around him. Part of the game of wooing married women involves entertaining their husbands so that they don’t see you as a threat, which Horner finds boring. The Quack asks about Margery, and Horner says that he doesn’t understand what her letter meant, calling her a “silly innocent” whose husband “keeps her up so close” (161). Then Pinchwife enters with his wife. Horner asks what he is doing, and Pinchwife explains, “The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love letter. Now you see a mistress” (161). Horner tells the woman to take her mask off, and Pinchwife tells Horner that the woman is “a relation” (162). Horner asks her to unmask again, and Margery whispers in his ear, asking to speak privately to Horner. Pinchwife agrees to leave them to speak alone. He goes off to find a parson and to let Sparkish know that he will not be marrying Alithea.

Horner’s servant boy enters and announces that Sir Jaspar Fidget is there. To the Quack, Horner comments on his annoyance at the ever-presence of cuckolded husbands. He hides Margery. Horner asks what Jaspar wants, and Jaspar tells him that his wife and “the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves” (164) hope to visit Horner tonight and have a masquerade. Although they are dressed and ready, Horner tells Jaspar that he will not be home. Sir Jaspar begs him not to disappoint the women, who will surely take it out on him, and offers to provide the food and music. Exasperated, Horner says, “[G]et you gone, and tell ’em if they come, ’twill be at the peril of their honour and yours” (164). Sir Jaspar rushes off. To the Quack, Horner says that he will host him as a guest later, but for now, he is off to “a private feast” (164) and exits.

Scene Three takes place in the Piazza of Covent Garden. Sparkish waves a letter, shocked that Alithea has betrayed him. Pinchwife admonishes, “You were for giving and taking liberty; she has taken it only, sir” (165). Sparkish notices that the letter is not in her handwriting, but Pinchwife says that he is sure of her intentions since he left her at Horner’s house personally. Pinchwife reaffirms that the parson, “Harcourt’s brother,” was indeed Harcourt and leaves, suggesting that Sparkish visit Horner to see for himself. Sparkish prepares to do just that, ready to rebuke Alithea, when Alithea enters with Lucy. He assumes that Alithea has left Horner briefly and is returning, but Alithea is confused by this charge. Sparkish insults her, and Alithea intimates that he is drunk. Hearing of the letter, Alithea thinks that her brother, Pinchwife, has taken it upon himself to cancel their engagement. Seeing how jealous he has become, Alithea is glad. Sparkish exits, and Alithea tells Lucy that she is confused by the idea that she is supposed to marry Horner. The two women leave to find Harcourt.

In Scene Four, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish have shown up at Horner’s home for a masquerade party. Horner bemoans their early arrival, since Margery is still there, and he does not want the ladies to see her. Horner tries to lock her in, but the ladies stop him, determined to make themselves welcome by entertaining him. Dainty tells him that they left Jaspar at home fighting with Old Lady Squeamish so that they could get away. Lady Fidget suggests that they all drink a lot of wine and “speak the truth of our hearts” (169), and the other two women agree. As they get drunk, Lady Fidget sings a song, complaining about the boredom of marriage. They curse their husbands, who leave their women “untumbled and unasked for” in favor of mistresses who are not “women of quality” (171). Horner concurs, “Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best” (172). The women ask Horner why, “when [he was] a man, did [he] rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment than to be the only guest at a good table” (172). Horner tells them that “faith, ceremony, and expectation are insufferable to those that are sharp bent” (172).

The women explain that they prefer a man who is wild, not tame. And their emphasis on honor and reputation is only to convince their husbands to trust them not to cheat. Lady Fidget tells Horner that the only reason she would not so much as wink at him before was because his reputation was so notorious. Then Lady Fidget refers to Horner affectionately as her “false rogue” (174), revealing to the other two ladies that they are lovers. Dainty and Mrs. Squeamish become upset, as each of the three ladies believed that she was his only lover. They argue until Lady Fidget points out that they must protect Horner’s secret to protect their reputations. Sir Jaspar and Old Lady Squeamish enter, having found the women who had sneaked away. They deem the ladies’ reputations safe when the ladies assure them that they only came to Horner’s house and went nowhere else. Horner’s servant boy enters and tells him, “[H]ere’s the gentleman come who you bid me not suffer to come up without giving you notice, with a lady, too, and other gentleman” (177). Sir Jaspar, Lady Squeamish, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Old Lady Squeamish exit, followed by the boy.

Horner fetches Margery and urges her to go home before Pinchwife catches them, but she doesn’t know how to get there. She asks if Horner is already sick of her, but he tells her that he loves her. However, her husband will reject her if he discovers her. But Margery doesn’t care, since she has no intention of returning to her husband and plans to marry Horner instead. As Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, and Lucy enter with a parson, Margery leaves the room. Pinchwife expresses his confusion that he has found Alithea, who he believes he left with Horner, elsewhere. Horner avoids the question, but at their urging, states that Pinchwife did, in fact, bring Alithea to him. The visitors respond with outrage, since this calls Alithea’s virtue and reputation into question. However, Horner must tarnish Alithea’s honor to save Margery’s. Harcourt swears to Alithea that he will not only trust in her honor but “make all the world believe it” (180). Margery peeks in, wondering what everyone is arguing over. Pinchwife reminds Horner that he has brought a parson and “not in vain” (180), and Harcourt interjects that he will use the parson if Alithea will consent. Horner tells a confused Pinchwife that he has given Harcourt his permission to marry Alithea. Pinchwife, concerned for Alithea’s honor, prepares to draw his sword to force Horner to marry her.

Worried that Pinchwife will kill Horner—or that Horner will marry Alithea—Margery enters to intervene. To the surprise of Pinchwife, Alithea, and Sparkish, she says that the parson will marry her and Horner. Margery apologizes to Alithea for including her in her lies. Pinchwife, angry, considers drawing his sword on his wife, but Horner stops him. Pinchwife agrees to draw on Horner instead, but Harcourt intervenes. Then, Sir Jaspar Fidget reenters with Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Old Mrs. Squeamish. Jaspar asks what is going on, and Pinchwife exclaims that Margery has cuckolded him with Horner and that Jaspar’s wife has likely done the same. Jaspar laughs at this at first, then becomes angry at the revelation that Horner might not be as safe as he seems. Jaspar confronts Horner and the women, but Lucy whispers to Horner that she can resolve the matter (if he can keep Margery quiet) and interjects. She takes the blame for all the trickery, claiming that Margery and Alithea are innocent. Lucy begins to reassure Pinchwife that Margery does not love Horner, but Margery interrupts. She explains that she does, in fact, love Horner and will not have anyone convince him otherwise.

Horner tries to quiet Margery, but she refuses. Dorilant enters with the Quack. Horner asks the Quack to tell everyone that he is a eunuch and therefore the women have been safe. Pinchwife is skeptical, but the Quack convinces him, backed by all of the ladies present. Margery argues, “’Tis false, sir, you shall not disparage poor Master Horner, for to my certain knowledge—” (185), but Lucy stops her from continuing. Alithea reassures Pinchwife that Margery simply has an overactive imagination. They convince Pinchwife of Margery’s innocence. Harcourt exclaims that he is ready to be married, but Dorilant, Sparkish, and Horner affirm that they will never be husbands. Pinchwife and Margery complain that they must be spouses even though they would like to be rid of each other. Pinchwife decides that it is in his own best interest to believe the story. In the Epilogue, the actress who plays Lady Fidget warns the men in the audience who might admire Horner that although their fellow men may be impressed by their way with the ladies, the women in their lives will not be so easily deceived.