The End Of The Affair

In an entry marked 12 June 1944, Sarah describes a conversation about love that she had with Bendrix. Bendrix is “jealous of the past and the present and the future” (49) and she muses on her love for both Bendrix and her potential love for God, though she seems to be an atheist. Although both she and Bendrix seem happy, “never in our lives have we known more unhappiness” (50).

Five days later, the next diary entry describes a day when, as she waited for Bendrix on the Common, she heard several speakers. One was a member of the Rationalist Society of South London and describes a man whose appearance matches that of Richard Smythe. Sarah and Bendrix spend the day together, and later, she will leave on a train to join Henry in the countryside.

As the narrative continues, it becomes clear that it is the day that the bomb struck the house, seen from Sarah’s perspective. After the explosion, Sarah goes downstairs and sees Bendrix’s hand sticking out of the rubble. She is convinced that he is dead. Caught in a moment of abject horror, Sarah kneels down and begins to pray. She promises to believe in God if Bendrix is able to survive: “Let him be alive, and I will believe” (51). If Bendrix survives, Sarah promises, she will “give him up forever” (51). She then returns upstairs, and when Bendrix walks into the room, Sarah feels the sudden onset of the agony of being without Bendrix. She wishes that he “was safely back dead again under the door” (52).

The next entry is a month later. Sarah describes her perfunctory life with Henry, and she arrives back home after a long time away. She sees a letter marked urgent and rips it up immediately.

The next day, Sarah visits the Common three times in the hope that she might run into Bendrix. This would “not be breaking my promise” (52), she reasons. Although she does not see Bendrix, she does see “the man with the spots […] attacking Christianity” (52). She hopes that Richard will be able to divorce her from her newly held beliefs, in the hope that she can see Bendrix again. Even though she is distracted and struggles to listen, she takes a card which invites her to the Smythe home to debate the topic of religion.

At a dinner party with Henry and his work colleagues, Sarah struggles to make conversation. She considers another affair and cannot imagine life with only Henry, with “nobody admiring me, nobody excited by me” (53). Over the coming days, she tries to see a man named Dunstan but “it didn’t work” (53). As she tours the country with Henry, she considers abandoning her promise to God and calling Bendrix. When she is put through, a woman answers. Sarah feels sick and asks for Mr. Bendrix. The woman informs Sarah that Bendrix is away and that he has allowed this woman to borrow his flat. Although happy at first, Sarah quickly becomes miserable again. She begins to resent God more and more, wondering: “[W]here do I go from here?” (54).