The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2010

A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.

Download PDF

Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

10th Anniversary Note-Introduction Summary

Chapters 1-3 Summary

Chapters 4-6

Chapters 7-9

Chapters 10-15

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

Beta

Discussion Questions

10th Anniversary Note-Introduction SummaryChapter Summaries & Analyses

10th Anniversary Note Summary

Brown stipulates that the republished text is fundamentally the same and that she still struggles with the issues identified in the first edition, including relationship troubles, disappointment, and “pools of low-grade depression” (xiv).

Writing in the shadow of the Covid-19 pandemic and the Black Lives Matter movement, Brown is more aware than ever of her white privilege and feels that, rather than returning to normal, we all need to collaborate in the pursuit of a more just world. She acknowledges that we are not all on a level playing field when it comes to integrating wholehearted living and the courage to be vulnerable into our lives. Those who have experienced trauma, either through adverse life events or the daily dehumanization of racial discrimination, have a depleted sense of physical and emotional safety, which makes being vulnerable even riskier. While Brown agrees that such people will have greater difficulty opening up, she maintains that vulnerability remains an important goal: “[B]eing imperfect, authentic, and vulnerable is a function of being human—not a privilege afforded to those who can get away with it without being labeled, dismissed, and judged” (xix). Now, more than ever, living wholeheartedly means not only self-improvement but also addressing injustice and changing the world for the better. To make these teachings more actionable, she has added a new Integration Index that will enable readers to apply the book’s principles more directly to their lives.

Preface Summary

November 2006 was a turning point in Brown’s career. Until then, she focused primarily on the topic of shame and shame resilience. However, after collecting stories from thousands of participants, she developed the idea of wholehearted living. People who engaged in this practice lived inspiring lives even as they practiced self-acceptance of their own imperfections.

Brown realized that these wholehearted livers could teach her about living a better life through unconditional self-love. She realized that merely trying to do the right things without loving herself would make her a worse parent, as she would not be able to model this important quality to her children. Living wholeheartedly means the daily practice of courage, compassion, and connection, which are not items to be checked off a to-do list but part of our life’s work. In her early 40s and just beginning to understand this revelation, Brown embarks on a course of therapy with a woman called Diana to change the direction of her life, attempting to align herself with the values of wholehearted living. Brown asserts that this challenge to embrace who we truly are greets us at all crisis points in our lives, and for Brown it was transformative; for the first time in her life, she felt comfortable in her own skin and able to fully trust herself.

Introduction Summary: “Wholehearted Living”

In a nutshell, wholehearted living “is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness” (2): believing that we are enough, regardless of what we accomplish. Courage, compassion, and connection are its key tools.

Brown believes that it is important to define big, often nebulous words like “connection” and “love” in the context of what they mean for individuals. Often people who advocate wholehearted living have different definitions of the same words. Brown once equated the phrase “digging deep” with finding the strength to force herself through unpleasant tasks, but wholehearted livers define the same term as aligning their intentions with their values and becoming inspired to “make new and different choices” before acting (6).

While Brown acknowledges that she is not the first person to talk about self-compassion, acceptance, and gratitude, she is the first shame and fear researcher to approach these topics. This is important because it is difficult to embrace the ingredients of wholehearted living—compassion, courage, and connection—without delving into the thorny obstacles that get in the way of them. For example, shame and fear block the self-acceptance that is essential for belonging, and until we understand these negative influences, we cannot embrace a more positive life. Brown maintains that while it can be scary to let our true selves be seen, it is ultimately more painful to run away from authenticity and miss out on true love, belonging, and joy.

10th Anniversary Note-Introduction Analysis

Reconciling Wholehearted Living with the American Dream is an important theme in this introductory section, which reveals the reasons behind Brown’s 2006 crisis of consciousness and ultimately the work itself. Brown was overworked but passionately involved in her research; she therefore believed she was living a good life. She had the same goals as anyone trying to live the American Dream: She strove for excellence and wanted to fulfill her potential. She prioritized work and achievement above other facets of life and often fell into people-pleasing over authenticity. In contrast, her research subjects who embodied the tenets of wholehearted living fully embraced The Challenge of Being Oneself in a Conformist World and lived according to their own values. The Gifts of Imperfection is the story of how these wholehearted livers inspired Brown to embrace her own path through life, learning to accept and reveal all parts of herself instead of only the edited, socially acceptable version. Brown includes this discussion in the Preface so that the reader can see where she is coming from as she prepares to guide the reader through the guideposts of wholehearted living: It serves both as important context and as vulnerability in action.

Brown’s strand of qualitative research is called grounded theory. In collecting material for this book, she entered interviews with as few preconceptions as possible and with one overarching goal: to learn the principles of wholehearted livers. Brown asked interviewees to define what nebulous concepts such as love meant to them both as a feeling and as an action; she then compared how their definitions and practices differed from her own. As Brown renegotiated her emotional landscape according to the three core values of wholehearted livers, which are courage, compassion, and connection, she could customize her path as a researcher in light of her new discoveries. Thus, she could explore the values of wholehearted living through the lens of her area of expertise: shame, which is one of the key obstacles to wholehearted living. She could redirect her intentions while maintaining the crux of what made her unique as a researcher. Brown’s research methodology thus echoes her emphasis on individuality, seeking to meet subjects where they are and from her own unique standpoint.

More than a decade after the original edition’s publication, Brown reflects on the deep prejudice and injustice in American society that prevent everyone from embracing the vulnerability required for wholehearted living. In drawing attention to Americans’ collective responsibility for creating a safer, fairer world, Brown shifts her focus from self-help to community building while maintaining her underlying interest not only in wholehearted living but in the tensions and contradictions of the American Dream. This updated message is in line with 2020s concerns and reaffirms that the work of living wholeheartedly is never complete. Rather, it is a continual process of reevaluation, acceptance, and shifting one’s approach to meet the challenges of the day. In her willingness to acknowledge her own shortcomings and oversights, Brown again models the vulnerability she seeks to encourage in readers.