The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

Of all the themes in Brown’s work over the past two decades, none has been seen as so radical or potentially transformative as her method of reclaiming vulnerability. Both The Gifts of Imperfection and “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brown’s TED Talk of the same year, argue that denying one’s vulnerability comes at a great cost. First, in Brown’s estimation, blocking vulnerability means that we are not allowing ourselves to be seen as we truly are. This is an obstacle to self-acceptance and connection, two of the cornerstones of wholehearted living that facilitate the most fulfilling human experiences. According to Brown, if we seek to banish vulnerability by striving for social expectations of perfection, thereby protecting ourselves from being wounding by others, we find ourselves depressed and isolated when we inevitably fail to live up to this externally imposed standard.

Disconnection leads to a lack of meaning and a tendency to seek comfort in the kind of addictive or numbing behaviors Brown discusses in her book: Our inability to cope with being vulnerable in a precarious world leads us to seek ways to take “the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief” (94). Brown’s focus on numbing as a key tool for mitigating vulnerability—as opposed to the disease model of addiction—holds all readers accountable, as many readers can recognize a tendency to use behaviors such as constant busyness or mindless scrolling to distract from the most painful feelings. While individuals may succeed in numbing pain, Brown’s research shows that these distraction tactics also inevitably cause a watered-down experience of positive emotions such as joy, which give purpose to human life.

Importantly, Brown identifies herself as a work in progress when it comes to embracing vulnerability. Before researching people who allowed themselves to be vulnerable and consequently enjoyed better relationships and a higher sense of purpose, Brown was driven by perfectionism and a desire to control and predict life. It was only when her research showed her the surprising conclusion that happy people actively took the opposite course that Brown seized the opportunity to change. She began by practicing self-acceptance and making the most of uncertainty. Brown’s progress in accepting vulnerability is evident, given that her text is peppered with admissions of having been wrong. She enthusiastically embraces the ways that her research into wholehearted living has repeatedly disproved her preconceptions about happiness, throwing off the guise of the respected authority figure in favor of the more authentic character of the eternal student. Showing up as herself, “a soccer mom studying feelings” (86), as opposed to the closest imitation she can effect of an “older white guy […] working in labs and studying mice” (163), is a method that she utilizes to allow others to be themselves in her presence and truly connect with her. This was the case at a speaking event where a single mother studying psychology identified with Brown’s authenticity and was inspired to pursue her own career goals. Brown’s work shows her trying to live a wholehearted life herself, with the aim of making it seem possible for her readers as well.

More than a decade after the original publication of The Gifts of Imperfection and her world-famous TED Talk, Brown continues to foreground vulnerability, both in her research and presentation. For example, she is open about the fact that the original publication addressed a universal audience without accounting for the struggles that people from socially disadvantaged demographics have in being vulnerable. She owns up to the fact that she had to “uncover more blind spots and areas of unacknowledged privilege” (xiv), thereby demonstrating her commitment to staying open to learning, even if it means being put in the vulnerable position of being proven wrong. In the wake of 2020 police brutality against the Black community and the resulting cultural move to tackle white supremacy more directly, Brown and Tarana Burke coedited You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience (2021) to create a platform for Black writers and thinkers to recount their experiences of shame and vulnerability. Here, Brown once again steps down from the position of an omniscient authority to showcase how the concepts she has explored throughout her professional life manifest in people with markedly different lived experiences to her own.

Nevertheless, in her introduction to the 10th-anniversary reprint of The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown maintains that vulnerability is an important emotion for everyone to access and that we all have a role in creating a world where vulnerability is safe for more than the privileged few. There is thus a subtle shift in Brown’s discussion of vulnerability in line with the 2020s movement toward increased social consciousness. Whereas in 2010 she mainly focused on how accessing vulnerability benefits people as individuals and within their immediate circles, a decade later, she is more concerned with tackling the structures and prejudices that make vulnerability unsafe for certain demographics. Where she initially framed vulnerability as risk, she later acknowledges that the ability to feel it safely is also a privilege.