What I Carry

Joellen was unable to find any foster homes in Seattle that would take Muiriel, so they cross the Puget Sound to an island. On the ferry ride, Joellen pleads, “Senior year matters for college, or just…for life. It’s important. You need to concentrate, no moving around, just this last one school. Please. For me” (9). Muiriel has no interest in college. She has maintained a good behavioral and academic record so that she can move around when she finds herself growing too comfortable in a place. She’s been in 20 placements, which is unusually high. She recognizes that her situation is unique in that she doesn’t want to be adopted, and she also acknowledges the ways that she is privileged because she is white and healthy. Although she knows that thousands of young people become unhoused when they age out of the system, she remains determinedly hopeful about her own future and imagines herself “[f]inally free to live and take care of [her]self in the wilderness of the wide world” like her namesake (12).

When Muiriel was eight, a couple nearly adopted her. However, the situation rapidly deteriorated because she struggled to sleep in her own room. They called her demanding, but she only remembers being exhausted and frightened. Her prospective father took her to a jewelry store, and she picked out a simple gold chain necklace for his wife. A week later, Joellen took her to a new home, and Muiriel packed the tangled necklace when she left. Ten years later, she is still trying to undo the knots.

Although the island is picturesque in its natural beauty, Muiriel is distracted by the memory of Zola’s disappointment. Blackbirds circle her new foster home, which Joellen sees as a good omen because Blackbird is her nickname for Muiriel. Her new foster mother, Francine, is in her sixties. Muiriel and Francine bond over the fact that they are both vegetarian. Muiriel becomes anxious when Francine shows her to a room with only one bed, and Francine explains that Muiriel is her last foster child. Muiriel chooses not to have a phone because she is “impeccably reliable and so [has] earned the right to not be under constant surveillance” (25). Although Francine finds this odd, she agrees to let Muiriel take a walk by herself and tells her to be back in two hours.

Muiriel is surprised that Francine let her go for a walk by herself on her first day because none of her other foster parents permitted that. She explores the island, walks a forest trail, and enters a cafe called Blackbird Coffee and Pie. A white customer around Muiriel’s age bullies a young Japanese barista named Kira by purchasing a box of eight beautifully decorated sugar cookies and then tossing it in the trash. Although Muiriel usually avoids involving herself in other people’s problems, she takes the box out of the garbage. At Kira’s recommendation, she orders tea and toast with jam. Muiriel spots an advertisement from the Salishwood Environmental Education Center, which is offering high school seniors an opportunity to “[e]arn college credit helping elementary school groups learn about wilderness ethics and explore 250 acres of untouched forest” (30). The internship sounds so tailor-made for her that she wonders, “Does Joellen have the power over time and space to create an entire town full of lures to keep me rooted all year?” (31).

Muiriel returns from her walk 20 minutes early and gives Francine the box of cookies. Francine expresses concern when Muiriel opts to take a nap rather than eat dinner. She distracts herself from the anxiety she feels in the silent, otherwise empty room by reading Muir’s book until her flashlight dies. She cries quietly in the dark, feeling as though it’s impossible for her to last a year in one place.

When Muiriel was in sixth or seventh grade, she lived with a wealthy white couple who made her and the other foster children go to church every week. The foster mother quoted from the Bible when she scolded Muiriel for her vegetarianism, which reminded her of the abuse John Muir faced from his religious father. The foster mother often threw away perfectly good items, such as unused tea bags, which Muiriel rescued from the trash and donated. One day, Muiriel saw that the foster mother had deliberately ruined the tea bags. She rescued a ceramic porcelain bear from the trash and asked Joellen to find her another home.

Muiriel spends the next few days having “polite but brief conversations with Francine” and gaining “renewed strength and hope” from the uninterrupted sleep she is able to have in the quiet home (37). To build up her resume, she’s worked various jobs ever since she began to turn down offers of adoption. She doesn’t tell Francine about the internship because some foster parents oppose foster children working, and she wants this more than she’s wanted anything in recent memory. A gray-haired woman named Jane interviews Muiriel, enthuses about the young woman’s credentials, and says that she needs a signed parental consent form. Muiriel joins two of the Salishwood Center’s employees, Natan and Sean, on a hike with a group of second graders. She finds the mustachioed and man-bunned Natan pretentious, but is drawn to the handsome and grounded Sean. Muiriel is happier than she can ever remember being when Jane tells her that she “might be just what Salishwood need[s]” (44).

When Muiriel returns home, Francine introduces her to her senior dog, Terry Johnson, and makes a delicious afternoon tea complete with finger sandwiches, scones, and crème brûlée to welcome her. Not wanting to lie to her any longer, Muiriel tells Francine about the internship. Francine decides to let her remain at Salishwood provided that she keeps her grades up and doesn’t keep things from her again. A relieved Muiriel gladly accepts. Later that evening, Muiriel calls Joellen and reassures her that she doesn’t want to be picked up just yet. That night, Muiriel can’t fall asleep in her room, so she goes downstairs to the couch. Terry Johnson curls up with her, which helps her fall asleep quickly. She goes back upstairs in the morning before Francine wakes up.

Muiriel remembers a foster home she lived in when she was six. Her favorite book at the time was Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell Hoban. Every foster home is different, and so is the food available there, but Muiriel can always count on toast and jam. When Muiriel left that house, she took the book with her.