What I Carry

“Joellen planted the seed of Muir’s wisdom that grew into the truth that comforts me now: he lived nearly all his life more at home outside than in, and I understand why. Every house I live in smells different; the rules and beds and people are never the same. But one walk outside and I am always home, beneath the same sky. Alone is not lonely. Nothing to miss, nothing and no one to wish or search for. John Muir set me free.”

The writings of the naturalist John Muir bring the protagonist comfort, developing the theme of Finding Solace in Nature. Like her namesake, Muiriel feels “more at home outside than in” at the start of the novel. Eventually, she finds a house that feels like home thanks to Francine.

“‘Here,’ she said, and put a small metal thing in my hand. An Allen wrench. ‘In case you get lonely,’ she said.”

This scene introduces an important supporting character and a key symbol. Muiriel’s reluctance to part from her young foster sister, Zola, demonstrates the protagonist’s ability to form attachments to other people even though she tries to avoid them. The Allen wrench symbolizes connection. They pass the item back and forth throughout the story as a way of comforting one another. Zola later plays an important role in the events surrounding Muiriel’s decision to stay on the island.

“I refuse to let the stupid circumstance of my birth ruin me. I am a Muir, for Christ’s sake! Not in meaningless blood, but in what truly matters. I believe that the nurses who held me and named me could tell John Muir’s singular life force is in me and in our shared name, and I will end my childhood the way it began: alone. Finally free to live and take care of myself in the wilderness of the wide world. I hope.”

This passage develops the theme of The Power of Resilience and Perseverance by showcasing Muiriel’s resolve. She feels both hope and fear as she contemplates how she will soon age out of the foster care system during the ferry ride to her new home on the island. Longo’s novel differs from many narratives on this subject because her protagonist doesn’t want to be adopted. The resilient Muiriel is convinced that she cannot rely on anyone else. Thus, the novel’s primary conflict is her inner struggle over The Process of Healing and Letting People in—another of the story’s major themes.

“We wrapped the box in brown paper I colored with markers and crayons. We gave it to her after dinner, and the dad lifted her hair and clasped it around her neck, and she let me feel its delicate links. ‘So pretty,’ I said. ‘You look like a mom. Real, not pretend.’ She put her head on the table and cried. A week later, Joellen came to help me pack.”

The gold chain necklace that Muiriel picks out for the foster mother is a motif for the theme of The Process of Healing and Letting People in. The eight-year-old Muiriel is deeply hurt when the couple decides not to adopt her. Ten years later, this pain is still acute and in need of healing just as she’s still trying to untangle the knots in the chain. This necklace also plays an important role in the novel’s resolution.

“‘Joellen says I’m meant to be your last,’ she said. ‘Yes.’ ‘Okay then.’ She put the map in my hand. ‘Let’s be each other’s.’ Her smile made my throat feel a little bit better.”

Francine and Muiriel begin to establish trust and understanding from the moment they meet, as evidenced by Francine’s willingness to let her new foster daughter go on a walk by herself. Their relationship is one of the most important dynamics in the story, highlighting The Process of Healing and Letting People in. In the end, Muiriel is not only Francine’s last foster child but also the first foster child that she wishes to adopt.

“She paused at the trash basket beside the counter, dropped the box of cookies into it, took a picture of it in there, and walked out the door. Home run. Kira blinked hard, refusing to cry, and looked right at me. ‘What can I get you?’ I’ve seen that face in every house, school, and mirror I’ve known.”

This scene marks an important development for the plot, characters, and the theme of letting people in because it is the first time that Muiriel meets Kira, who becomes her best friend and one of the main reasons that the island becomes her home. The scene also introduces Tiana, the cruel popular girl who torments Kira. Muiriel grows close to Kira and stands up for her as the story goes on.

“I understand how to survive with my freedom and sanity intact until I’m eighteen: I can have friends but can’t let myself ‘life or death’ depend on them or let them ‘life or death’ depend on me. I can go out with boys but not date them. I can have foster parents but cannot let them adopt me.”

This passage develops The Power of Perseverance and Resilience by further delineating how life in the foster system has shaped Muiriel and made The Process of Healing and Letting People in difficult for her. She believes that she must avoid attachments with people if she is to “survive with [her] freedom and sanity intact.” In time, she breaks two of her personal rules with Kira and Sean, and she considers breaking the third rule for Francine.

“I have been ‘useful.’ I have been ‘not a problem.’ I have never been what anyone needed. Sean sped past me on a bike, raised one lean, strong arm, and called, ‘See you Monday!’ On the bus I caught my reflection in the window. Smiling. I could not remember a happier day.”

Muiriel’s first day at Salishwood introduces her to the complimentary Jane and the handsome Sean. The narrator’s almost dazed tone indicates how rare such appreciation and joy is in her life. Additionally, her description of Sean’s “lean, strong arm” indicates her budding interest in the young man who becomes her boyfriend.

“It was a perfect day—I looked at the table laden with food, at this nice lady who made it all for me and who let me walk wherever and whenever. Who seemed to trust me already. I wanted her to like me. I wanted this job. I wanted to see Sean on Monday. ‘Francine,’ I said. ‘I hiked at Salishwood.’ ‘Oh, good! Isn’t it beautiful?’ I swallowed. ‘It is. I’m—sort of working there.’ I spoke fast, terrified to ruin the best thing I’d had in forever.”

Francine shows kindness by creating an elaborate welcome dinner for her foster daughter, and her extensive experience as a foster parent helps her understand why Muiriel didn’t tell her about her job at Salishwood sooner. She agrees to let her keep the internship, which Muiriel considers “the best thing [she’d] had in forever.” Although this is an anxious moment for the protagonist, it gives the characters a chance to clear the air, set expectations, and show that they are a good fit as a family, foreshadowing the arc of their relationship.

“‘Jesus Christ, Natan,’ Sean said, low. ‘It’s none of your business, and for fuck’s sake, gratitude? The entire fucking point of being born is that someone is supposed to take care of you.’ Natan and I stared at him, his words ringing in the stillness. And what words they were. I was doomed. Is this what swooning feels like?”

The arc of Muiriel’s relationship with Sean challenges the wisdom of her self-protective rule against letting people in and contributes to her process of healing from past hurt, abuse, and abandonment. As the protagonist’s love interest, Sean is a kind and sweet-tempered individual, but he does not tolerate ignorant words or hurtful behavior. By this point in the novel, the reader has seen Muiriel consistently look out for other people, such as Zola and Kira, and now someone else comes to her defense for a change. Natan’s unwelcome comments and unsettling behavior toward Muiriel escalate as the story goes on.

“I hesitated, held it tight. Ten years, and I couldn’t make it right; how was Kira going to fix it? What if she lost it? ‘I can do it,’ she said. ‘Trust me.’ Her smile was so true. I dropped the tangled chain into her open hand.”

Muiriel entrusts Kira with the gold chain necklace that serves as a motif for the theme of healing. This is a clear indication that the protagonist is growing close to her friend and learning to let people in.

“‘Are you ever scared?’ he whispered. ‘Of what?’ ‘Being alone?’ ‘I’m not alone.’ Out in the dark water ship bells rang. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned my face to his and kissed him. He was surprised for maybe half a second, and then he kissed me back.”

In an important development for the plot and the relationship between the protagonist and her love interest, Muiriel and Sean kiss for the first time at the bonfire party. The kiss breaks Muiriel’s rules about not allowing herself to become attached to people and suggests that her process of healing has begun.

“‘Muiriel, unpack. Stay. Let me help you.’ It was the thought that it would be so nice to have help—her help—that made me cry harder. Because very soon, the second I aged out, I would have no help from anyone at all. Relying on her kindness now would make my life a million times harder than when I had only me.”

This passage develops the theme of The Process of Healing and Letting People in by showing that the healing process is complicated, painful, and nonlinear for Muiriel. At first, the protagonist cries because she thinks she will have to leave after she comes home late from her first date with Sean. In this excerpt, she is crying because she wants to stay with Francine, which she fears will make her “life a million times harder” when she ages out of foster care.

“‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I wish you would let me help.’ ‘I wish you could.’ ‘I can.’ We walked and walked until Francine’s road, and I could not help it, I hugged him and he held on tight. I wanted so badly to kiss him, but why salt the wound?”

Muiriel’s inability to trust or accept support from Sean reflects the trauma of abandonment she’s experienced throughout her years in the foster care system. Muiriel’s character arc moves her from a place of self-protective isolation and shutting everyone out, to connection and letting people in to care for and support her. Muiriel decides to take a break from her romantic relationship with Sean after she misses curfew because of their date. She is convinced that being alone is the only way she can survive at this point in the story. Sean respects her decision and remains a steadfast friend to her, further reinforcing that she can trust him.

“All that city night-walking, all those years riding public transportation, foster houses galore, but it has to happen in the forest, the place where I’m safest and that I love best? Not today.”

In a frightening and suspenseful scene, Natan corners Muiriel in the woods. The setting makes the attempted assault even more of a violation because the forest is where Muiriel feels “safest and that [she loves] best.” She associates nature with solace and peace, and she refuses to let Natan take that from her. In addition, the author takes care to subvert stereotypical portrayals of foster care, which often center around child abuse at the hands of their foster families.

“You are worth having a life with people who love you; you have just as much a right to happiness as anyone. If you want to stay here, if you want to go to school, then do it. There are ways—I watched those movies, and they scared the absolute shit out of me. I get why you’re so careful. And I understand you’re scared of being trapped, but I know about the ways to stay, the ways to do things like school. We’re here. We’ve got you.”

Muiriel’s friendship with Kira helps catalyze the trust needed to begin The Process of Healing and Letting People in. Kira begins creating art again, which demonstrates that the teenagers’ friendship is supporting her own healing process as well as Muiriel’s.

“‘Trouble? Listen to me. I am so proud of you I can’t stand it. You are a good person. A brave person and a true friend to Kira. Maybe now, for the first time, you’re having some battles. It’s because you’re living a life, with people who matter. Nothing causes trouble more than that.’ Terry Johnson shifted in my lap. ‘I want to hug you now,’ I said. ‘Okay?’ She laughed. ‘I appreciate the warning.’ I leaned over Terry Johnson and put my arms around Francine’s soft shoulders. ‘Muir, are you crying?’”

This passage develops the theme of healing. Muiriel worries that the other parents may treat Francine differently because Tiana and Katrina were suspended after Muiriel stood up for Kira. The tears Muiriel sheds after Francine calls the once-solitary girl “a brave person” and “a true friend” as well as the hug Muiriel initiates both indicate the progression of her character arc as she allows herself to be vulnerable with and trust her foster mother more and more. Francine proves once again that Muiriel has her complete trust and support, laying the foundation for the novel’s resolution.

“On the dresser was an odd-shaped package wrapped in butcher paper and tied with twine. A little version of the Terry Johnson sculpture. A perfect likeness. The lights blurred through my tears, and I set him on the bedside table where I would see him first thing every morning. I picked up the stack of clothes from the dresser top, opened a drawer, put them in, and closed it.”

Longo uses the motif of packing and unpacking to indicate the progression of Muiriel’s character arc . When Muiriel places her belongings in the dresser for the first time, it indicates that she is coming to see Francine’s house as her home—a development influenced by several supporting characters. Earlier in the chapter, Francine tells Muiriel she’s proud of her, and Sean takes her on a winter solstice walk that he’s been planning for months. The gift of the sculpture is another important factor because it was made by Muiriel’s best friend and depicts Terry Johnson, who represents unconditional love to Muiriel. Each of these significant people in Muiriel’s life on the island contribute to The Process of Healing and Letting People in that allows her to accept the love of the people around her.

“In my file, Joellen’s notes say simply, Foster mom pregnant. I was a last resort they put off committing to while there was still hope they could have a real kid, brand-new, in the original packaging—theirs. One who shared their perfect DNA and so, therefore, deserved a family more than me. They kept me long enough to decimate my best, only chance to ever have a family, just in time for me to become ‘unadoptable,’ and then they put me back in. They did not love me. They set me adrift.”

The structure of Longo’s novel allows the reader to see the effects of Muiriel’s trauma before revealing the details of her past experiences—effectively demonstrating how she is the way she is, before revealing the why. The reveal that Muiriel was with the couple from the ages of one to four contradicts her own statement in the first chapter when she says that she’s never stayed in a house longer than 11 months, suggesting that the trauma and sense of abandonment Muiriel suffered when she was returned to the system rather than adopted is initially too painful to revisit even in her own narration. Over a decade later, Muiriel still struggles with trust because the people she saw as her parents treated her as “a last resort” to be discarded whenever they chose.

“‘I could adopt you.’ The air left the room. And my lungs. ‘Muiriel. There are people all around you now who wish you would stay. Not to trap you or hold you back, just—you need to breathe. You need time in one place to be still and quiet so when it’s time to go you’re really ready. You’ll be on your own for the rest of your life, three more years is nothing—but it could make everything possible for you. Let us help you. Let me help you.’”

Francine’s offers to adopt Muiriel threatens Muiriel’s carefully constructed boundaries of self-protection, but also paves the way for the process of healing and the completion of her character arc. Through Muiriel’s perspective, Longo represents a non-traditional take on the standard narrative of a child in foster care. Muiriel sees adoption as a trap, not a happily ever after. Her breathlessness in this excerpt indicates the shock and betrayal she instinctually feels rather than elation. Although it’s apparent that Francine and Muiriel love one another, the suspense builds as to whether Muiriel will be able to accept the support she wants but is afraid to rely on.

“‘In reality, I will never get to live in a place this beautiful, in a life so full of all this…’ ‘Muir, I hate to break it to you, but you do live here. You live here and you work here and we don’t want you to go. Everyone wants you to stay; everyone loves you. I love you.’ My heart went still.”

Sean’s declaration to Muiriel that he loves her, catalyzes her acknowledgement of her own feelings for him. As with Francine’s offer, Muiriel is conflicted and afraid to accept the unconditional love that is freely offered from the people in her new life, indicating that her arc is still in progress at this stage of the plot.

“Gaman. From the bird-pin shoebox. ‘To bear the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity,’ Kira said. I turned to her, my friend, who more and more I could not imagine being without. ‘Kira, I can’t. This is you. This is your family.’ ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It is.’”

In offering Muiriel the word “Gaman”—something she had intended as a tattoo for herself—as a gift, Kira models the familial love and connection she feels for Muiriel, underscoring the theme of The Process of Healing and Letting People in. The meaning of the word also points to The Power of Resilience and Perseverance—qualities that Kira recognizes in Muiriel as well as her own family history.

“‘Sean,’ I said, ‘take my phone. Call Francine. Tell her to come home. Tell her I stole a gold bracelet from a foster house and there’s a police officer here to search my room. Tell her I need her.’ They all stared and said nothing. Joellen, Jane, the cop. Zola. My whole life of careful perfection, my future, gone—and I couldn’t have cared less.”

In a climactic moment, Muiriel takes the blame for the bracelet theft of which Zola is falsely accused. Muiriel’s selfless decision indicates a shift in her previously established priorities, jeopardizing her “whole life of careful perfection, [her] future.” In choosing to break her pattern of self-protection, sacrifice her independence for the sake of her foster sister, and call on her chosen family for help and support, Muiriel demonstrates the progression of her character arc from an isolated and detached person to a connected and supported member of a non-traditional family. Longo also uses this moment to underscore the discrimination faced by foster children as well as the implicit racial bias inherent to the foster care system.