What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day

“This bitch got AIDS! This bitch got AIDS!”

The social context for Ava’s story influences the way she sees herself and her life after testing HIV positive. Indeed, she’s harassed and ostracized as soon as her Atlanta community learns about her diagnosis. In this scene, a former lover’s wife is verbally attacking her in her salon and thus publicizing her condition and compromising her business. The incident catalyzes the salon’s demise and closure and Ava’s subsequent return to Idlewild. The angry woman’s outburst also illustrates the 1990s societal regard for HIV/AIDS.

“That was typical. Anybody with trouble knew if they could get to Joyce, she’d take care of it. Her feeling was that all crises could be handled if someone would take responsibility and start moving.”

Joyce’s character is defined by her bigheartedness. Therefore, Ava isn’t surprised when she learns that Joyce can’t collect her from the airport because she’s helping a community member give birth. Joyce has devoted her life to helping those in need. Her social and political activism gives her meaning and purpose, helps her overcome her trauma, and ultimately inspires Ava to remake her own life.

“I don’t look any different. I don’t feel any different. But everything is different. Every single thing.”

Testing positive for HIV changes Ava’s personal life. When she returns to Idlewild, she knows that Joyce is worried that she will look physically ill. However, the virus has only created changes in Ava’s interiority thus far. Living with HIV has made Ava see herself and her life differently. She still looks like herself, but her life has already become unfamiliar to her. Therefore, contracting HIV/AIDS catalyzes Ava’s journey home and her subsequent self-discovery and transformation.

“It was almost funny. In the middle of all the bad things that have come our way, we both emerged as sisters of independent means.”

Ava’s and Joyce’s lives are defined by hardship. Both of their parents die when the sisters are young. Joyce’s husband and children also die in tragic accidents. Ava contracts HIV and must give up her business and life in Atlanta. Despite these struggles, Ava realizes that neither she nor her sister have given up. The realization foreshadows the sisters’ ultimate transformation and underscores their resilient natures. Because they’ve been able to remake their lives, they also prove capable of helping young women like them.

“‘These girls haven’t got a chance,’ she said. ‘There aren’t any jobs and there aren’t going to be any. They’re stuck up here in the middle of the damn woods, watching talk shows, smoking crack, collecting welfare, and having babies. What kind of life is that?’”

Joyce’s work with the Sewing Circus gives her meaning and purpose. Although she once devoted herself to more large-scale political agendas, Joyce has found that contributing to her community is the best way to make positive change in the present. She believes that with and through the Sewing Circle, she can change young women’s lives. Joyce’s words foreshadow the community contributions the sisters will make and the lessons the Circus will teach Ava about community bonds.

“When it was finally over, I skipped the postconfessional cocktails, went home, ran a hot bath full of the bubbles I used to save for serious seductions, made myself a good, strong drink, and sat in the water until it got stone-cold, thinking about all the fucking I had done and all the fucking I wasn’t going to do, and I realized that the only thing I was sorry about was that I never had a chance to make love.”

Returning to Idlewild challenges Ava to reflect on her past. She begins to realize that she’s lonely in the present and that her sex life before her diagnosis was a way for her to mask this loneliness. In this scene, she’s remembering the night she attended an HIV/AIDS support group. Rather than easing her sorrows, the group made Ava realize that her former sexual relationships weren’t inspired by authentic love or connection. She’s mourning this facet of her past, but the passage is also foreshadowing Ava’s future relationship with Eddie Jefferson.

“I felt sorry for them. I’d seen boys in my Atlanta neighborhood grow into swaggering young men who were suddenly scary until you looked into their still baby faces and realized who they used to be, but I also knew how dangerous they were. I’d seen Frank hit that girl like he didn’t care if he broke every bone in her face. I’d seen Tyrone smoking dope right behind his grandmother’s back. It was tempting but foolhardy to focus on their vulnerability instead of your own.”

Frank and Tyrone create conflict for the main characters throughout the novel. While their behaviors are violent and unpredictable, they aren’t unfamiliar to Ava. Indeed, Frank and Tyrone are representations of the youth demographic she, Joyce, and Eddie want to help. Ava tries not to pity their circumstances because she knows that her situation has never been that different from Frank’s and Tyrone’s. Therefore, her reflections in this passage exhibit Ava’s internal growth.

“Talking about Aretha made me see why Joyce is doing what she does. I liked the girl’s energy. I guess she reminded me of myself a little bit at her age: alive and well and on my way.”

Ava gains an understanding of her sister’s work in the community through Aretha Simmons, one of the Sewing Circus members. The more time that Ava spends with her, the more impressed she is. She realizes that because of Joyce and the Circus, a young woman like Aretha has a chance at a future. When she was a young girl, she needed similar guidance and support.

“So I took a deep breath like they keep saying on this meditation tape and tried to focus on being right in this room, right in this moment, and I actually felt better! It was amazing. I dragged that scared part of myself kicking and screaming into the present moment and it was so good to be there.”

Ava’s newfound meditation practice lends her peace, balance, and presence amidst emotional moments. Although she wants to cry when she realizes that she may never see Imani grow up, she realizes that she can’t ignore the happiness she feels in the present. Invoking her meditation lessons in this scene conveys Ava’s personal growth since her arrival in Idlewild.

“In the meantime, just the possibility of losing Imani makes Joyce very, very nervous. She’s only been with us three weeks and she’s already family.”

Imani’s arrival at Ava’s home changes how she thinks about family and the future. Before Imani’s arrival, Ava saw the baby as another of Joyce’s projects. However, Imani quickly solidifies Ava’s, Joyce’s, and Eddie’s family circle. Ava realizes that she wants to be a part of this intimate sphere and doesn’t want to miss the life they’re creating together. Because Imani is an infant, she’s symbolic of hope and promise. Spending time in Imani’s presence keeps Ava engaged while strengthening her family ties.

“So now that I’ve admitted the facts, what am I going to do? First of all, I have no intention of having sex with Eddie Jefferson. I’m only going to be here a couple of months and I don’t need the complications sex always introduces.”

Ava feels afraid of herself and the future when she realizes that she’s sexually attracted to Eddie. A realization like this would have excited her in the past. However, Ava has felt incapable of enjoying sex or humoring romantic entanglements since testing HIV positive. Therefore, she plans to avoid her feelings for Eddie to ignore her condition and its implications for her personal life. Ava has yet to realize that she doesn’t have to sacrifice happiness and love because of her condition.

“‘That’s when I started doing the t’ai chi again. Trying to learn my lessons. When I got out, I figured Idlewild was slow enough so I could hold on to what I’d learned longer here than in the city.’ He smiled at me. ‘And Mitch and Joyce were here.’”

For Eddie, t’ai chi is symbolic of peace, balance, and control. The practice helps him to remake himself after the war and after his incarceration. The way he speaks about t’ai chi parallels the way Ava comes to regard meditation. These self-improvement measures help the characters engage with themselves and their surroundings more authentically. Eddie’s words in this scene also capture his appreciation for family and community. Like Ava, he’s returned to his hometown, family, and friends in order to rediscover his authentic self.

“‘Listen, little sister,’ Joyce said, shifting Imani to a more comfortable position and sighing like she couldn’t understand what was the problem. ‘Ain’t none of us sixteen years old anymore. We’ve done some good stuff and some bad stuff, but it’s all our stuff at this point. I figure the best we can do for each other is try to understand and move on the best we can.’”

Eddie’s revelations about his past complicate Ava’s understanding of change and growth. When she asks Joyce what she thinks about Eddie’s crime, incarceration, and alleged transformation, Joyce advocates for Eddie. She encourages her sister to extend the same grace to Eddie that she wants others to extend to her. Through this quote, Joyce contributes to Ava’s personal growth.

“When he looked up at me, I felt like I could see every mistake I’d ever made in his eyes, but no judgment, no anger, no shame, no questions except one: ‘Do you want to be with me?’”

Ava reveals her secret to Eddie to bring them closer. She tells Eddie that she is HIV positive because she wants to be open, honest, and intimate with him. Ava has been conditioned to believe that she is dirty, sinful, and unwanted because she has HIV. However, Eddie dismantles these social and cultural stigmas when he accepts Ava without judgment or expectation.

“I was looking for a new gig anyway and even though it was only temporary, this one did not require me to fool with anybody’s hair or fry up a chicken sandwich to go. There was no big reason to rush my ass off to San Francisco. Things here were clicking along at a very interesting pace and I am a firm believer in the bit of old Negro wisdom that says: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Ava’s new life in Idlewild strengthens her family and community bonds and gives her meaning and purpose. When she first returns to her hometown, she has every intention of leaving at the end of the summer. However, the longer she is in Idlewild, the more attached she becomes to Joyce, Eddie, Imani, and the Sewing Circus. These family and community spheres both support Ava and teach her how to support and love others. Therefore, Ava thinks about herself and her future differently after discovering the importance of connection and intimacy through her Idlewild relationships.

“I was meditating morning and evening, walking three miles a day, and I hadn’t had anything stronger than a glass of wine with dinner in a month. It was my choice that had brought me back here, and for the first time, it really felt like home.”

Ava’s definition of home evolves over the course of the narrative. Idlewild is indeed her hometown, but she hasn’t identified with the place in some time. Rather, she’s actively separated herself from the place to create a life independent from it. However, the longer she is back, the more life-giving Idlewild becomes. Idlewild is a struggling community, but its people teach Ava important lessons about her capacities for love, hope, and joy. By being with and investing in the people she loves, she creates a new sense of home and belonging.

“It was a perfect moment and I just sat there looking at her for a few minutes. Maybe it was better for her not to be able to tell me the journey she took to get here. From what I already knew, it’s a miracle she made it through at all, but she damn sure did.”

Ava’s relationship with Imani teaches her about the past, the present, and the future. Imani is a newborn but has already overcome hardships akin to Ava’s, Joyce’s, and Eddie’s. The baby infuses Ava’s life with meaning and changes how she understands her own path. Being with Imani also slows Ava down and grounds her in the present.

“At first it made me nervous. I was used to hiding behind words that the silence made me feel more exposed than being naked. I was always trying to figure out what he was thinking and worrying about what to say next, but the more we are together, the more I don’t even think about that stuff.”

Eddie’s character grants Ava balance and peace. Much like Ava’s relationship with Imani, her relationship with Eddie teaches her how to be patient and vulnerable. She stops trying to disguise her thoughts and feelings and learns that sharing space with loved ones is a form of intimacy. This scene exhibits Ava’s growth and foreshadows her future with Eddie.

“In the midst of all that craziness with Gerry, Aretha is the best reminder of why Joyce had started the Sewing Circus in the first place. No matter how much I complain about having to help, I’m real proud of what Joyce is doing—what we’re doing. I think Mitch would like it too.”

The Sewing Circus grants Ava and her family a way to invest in their community and deepen their interpersonal relationships. At the start of the novel, Ava scoffs at the Sewing Circus, doubtful that Joyce’s women’s group will really be able to transform Idlewild. However, after just three months with the group, Ava has grown attached to its members and its mission. The group’s growth illustrates how community efforts bring people closer together.

“Eddie’s words made me greedy for more. More time. More love. More sweetness. I didn’t want anything to change. I wanted everything to stay just the way it was right now so I could wrap it around me tight enough to keep me from flying into a million scared, screaming pieces.”

Eddie’s proposal reignites Ava’s fears of the future. Although she’s learned to appreciate the life she has in the present, she still isn’t ready to think about how her life will change as her HIV progresses. She is desperate to hold on to what she has with Eddie but feels powerless to remain in this moment. The way she reacts to the proposal conveys how living with HIV has impacted Ava’s life. The repetitive syntax and diction of these lines enact Ava’s complex emotional experience.

“I looked up into his face and it looked like home, and all of a sudden, standing there keeping watch outside of that madhouse, I felt like I almost understood. What was important and what was not. What was worth the time and effort and what was just a bunch of bullshit. And the more I looked at Eddie looking back at me, the more it was starting to make sense.”

Ava’s relationship with Eddie influences her outlook. Although Ava doesn’t want Eddie to be her caretaker when her HIV progresses, Eddie’s graciousness teaches her to quiet her fears in order to receive love in the present. Throughout the novel, Ava’s family bonds enrich her life by granting her hope, peace, and joy.

“I wanted to tell Joyce it wasn’t her fault. That all you can ever do is try and make the best choice based on what you know. Promising that everything is going to be okay is just asking for trouble no matter how much you want it to be true.”

Ava and Joyce switch roles after Imani’s emergency. Ava becomes the caretaker and comforter while Joyce becomes vulnerable. The situation challenges Ava to give love in a sacrificial and tactful manner. She has things she wants to tell Joyce, just as Joyce had things she wanted to tell Ava after she tested HIV positive. However, by watching her sister, Ava has learned that timing is an important part of nurturing.

“It’s just that the church is still the place where the most people get together regularly, and that’s worth a lot.”

Ava’s involvement in church bolsters her community bonds in Idlewild. She returns to New Light Baptist after the Andersons leave, because she doesn’t want to give up on this social sphere. She has learned that the church is an important venue for and gateway to authentic human connection.