What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen

Chapter 1 introduces us to Madison Holleran, a student athlete at the University of Pennsylvania (Penn). What Made Maddy Run opens with a reconstruction of the last few days of Madison Holleran’s life. The story begins the night before Madison returns for her second semester at the University of Pennsylvania. Madison breaks her iPhone, shattering the screen. The next day, her father, Jim, drives her back to school. Madison doesn’t want to go back to school, and Jim struggles to help her. A few days earlier, Jim went with Madison to a counseling appointment, where she admitted that she had suicidal thoughts. Jim is worried but believes that a change of scenery—transferring to Vanderbilt—will make Madison feel like herself again. Madison reflects, “Second semester will get better, had to get better,” trying to convince herself” (14).

Madison and Jim meet Ingrid Hung, a good friend of Madison’s and a fellow student athlete, for lunch. Madison’s mood improves, and Ingrid and Madison discuss their plans for the semester, including rushing for sororities. After lunch, the three of them go to watch the Penn-Princeton women’s basketball game. Ingrid’s sister Nicole and Madison’s high school friend Jackie Reyneke both play for the Princeton Tigers. Ingrid and Madison wear Princeton practice jerseys in support of their friends. Princeton wins the game, and Madison proudly posts a photo of herself with her friends to Instagram.

Jim returns home and is comforted by the fact that his wife, Stacy, and his daughter Mackenzie are coming in a few days to see Madison. Madison has scheduled a meeting with Steve Dolan, the Penn track coach, and they are coming for moral support. Madison knows she has to quit track, but despite her unhappiness, “she had never quit anything. She was an athlete, had always identified as an athlete” (15). Madison returns to her dorm room and begins to write a letter to Steve Dolan.

“In Real Life”

At the end of Chapter 1, we meet Kate Fagan, an ESPN journalist. Fagan is having her make-up done before appearing on the ESPN program Outside the Lines. The make-up artist has recently had a death in the family, and Fagan asks her how she is doing. When she responds that she is “choosing to be happy” (25), Fagan pushes back, suggesting that for some people, it is not that easy. Fagan then details her growing understanding of mental health issues, describing herself as “fairly mentally healthy” (26). Fagan introduces Megan Armstrong, a young writer who writes about mental health and sports, and Brandon Armstrong, an NFL player who is outspoken about his mood disorder. Fagan writes that she “wanted to understand, as best I could, what this monster looked and felt like” (27), referring to depression and mental illness. She includes a conversation between herself and Megan in which Megan explains her mental health struggles and articulates her biggest hope: “To be able to go day-to-day and feel excited about it—to feel full” (42).

On August 23, 2013, Madison is about to leave for college. She wakes up early in her messy bedroom; the “space was at complete odds with the rest of her life, which was meticulously presented, nothing out of place” (45). Madison spent the summer obsessing about college. Madison’s older sister Ashley was miserable at Penn State before transferring schools, but Madison struggled to understand why Ashley could not like college. Madison is packed and ready to go, and her mother, Stacy, drives her to Philadelphia first thing in the morning. Fagan describes a photograph of Madison in her dorm room, radiating “freedom, euphoria.” Madison runs errands and settles into her new life. Stacy leaves soon after, confident that Madison will settle in quickly and succeed at Penn.

Chapter 2 describes Madison’s tomboyish childhood in Allendale, a white, upper-middle-class town about 20 miles from New York City. By middle school, Madison grows out of what she called her “little boy days” (51), but her passion for sports—especially soccer—continue. Madison goes to Northern Highlands, a public school, where her reputation as “someone with endless promise” proceeds her (55). In junior high, Madison makes varsity soccer and begins running. Well-liked and popular, Madison focuses on academics and sports. Recruiters begin to take notice of her talent on the soccer field. She verbally accepts an offer from Lehigh, a liberal arts school with a Division I team. Madison takes up running to stay in shape and excels at it. Soon, Ivy League recruiters are interested. While she prefers soccer to running, she accepts an offer from the University of Pennsylvania.

Fagan describes Madison’s transition to college. While Madison anticipates college being the best four years of her life, the reality is more challenging. The demands on student athletes are high. They typically commit 25-plus hours a week, and performance expectations are high. Students like Madison are used to being the best. In college, Madison is surrounded by other student athletes who are “just like Maddy: used to winning” (68).

In October, Madison places 104th in a field of more than 400 runners in a cross-country race at the Paul Short Invitational at Lehigh. Her coach is optimistic about her potential performance, but her father notices she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself. On November 2, 2013, Stacy watches Maddy run at Heptagonals, the Ivy League championships held at Princeton. Crossing the finish line of the 6,000-meter course in unusually hot weather, Madison collapses at the finish line. Madison is upset and tells her mom, “I’m not right—something is not right” (69). Madison’s friends and family notice her self-confidence is slipping. Madison begins to feel that she will fail out of Penn. Madison is prone to worst-case-scenario thinking, and “the prospect of failing out of Penn did not feel like hyperbole; it felt like the probable outcome” (76).

“Mind, Body, Spirit”

Fagan describes her own experiences as a student athlete playing college basketball at the University of Colorado in the early 2000s. Like Madison, Fagan begins to dread practice, which causes existential angst: “I convinced myself I hated basketball. Then this thought would send me spiraling: Who was I if not an athlete? I didn’t know. My identity was as a basketball player” (78). The athletic trainer Kristen Payne supports Fagan in getting counseling. While Fagan is ashamed of getting treatment—viewing it as reflective of weakness—after a few months of therapy, she recovers. Fagan details the high rates of mental health issues among college athletes, describing a culture in which pushing through pain is considered necessary and empathy is in short supply.