What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

The Adverse Childhood Experiences study (ACE) reveals that victims of childhood abuse are more likely to develop alcoholism, depression, liver disease, cancer, and emphysema. They are also 12 times more likely to attempt suicide. After ranking herself on the ACE chart, Foo realizes her score of 6 shows an average life expectancy of only 60 years. While this research turns out to be more nuanced than Foo understands at the time, it motivates her to search for a way out of her trauma.

Foo’s research leads her to delve into neuroscience. Survivors of abuse see their physiology altered: They are more likely to have an enlarged amygdala (associated with regulating fear) and reduced prefrontal cortices (responsible for regulating complex thought, logical reasoning, and decision-making). Although C-PTSD begins to feel like a trap she can never break out of, Foo wishes to attempt what seems impossible: to find a solution to her condition.

Foo’s first step toward recovery is to take better care of her body. After a conversation with neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, Foo understands that the body’s metabolic resources are limited, and without proper care, it cannot function optimally. For example, without sleep or adequate nourishment, people can become anxious or irritable. C-PTSD worsens the problem because it can cloud an individual’s capacity to perceive their own needs.

Foo begins to sleep longer and quits drinking and smoking. She exercises regularly and eats healthy meals. Although she feels herself become more energetic, her terror does not completely disappear. When she experiences a sudden anxiety attack on a peaceful spring day, she realizes the dread is not a physical illness. Healing requires her to work on her mind.

Foo details the complicated process of navigating the American health care system in search of a new therapist. Feeling let down by the eight long years it took to receive a diagnosis from Samantha, Foo begins searching for someone closer to New York City. The process is long and tedious.

Therapists in America are overwhelmingly white (86%) and often prefer to take clients that are young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, and successful (YAVIS). For example, a low-income Black person is much less likely to get a callback than a middle-class white person. There is also the problem of trust: As a person of color, Foo prefers someone who has a similar background, but the list is too narrow to accommodate this.

Even should she find a licensed therapist, getting a C-PTSD diagnosis is not productive: Because it is not considered an official illness by the DSM, health insurance does not cover treatment for it. However, if Foo is given a different diagnosis, then the treatment might be less effective, which could exacerbate her anxiety and depression. Although finding the right therapist can be life-affirming, the process is costly and convoluted, with no guarantee of success. Foo points out that between 40-60% of clients drop out of therapy. Nevertheless, she forges on, fueled by her friend Lacey’s success story.

This chapter details Foo’s experience trying Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) as treatment for her C-PTSD. Although it purportedly only has a 9% success rate among victims of childhood trauma, Foo is willing to try it. Foo finds Eleanor, a licensed EMDR therapist in her area who accepts her insurance.

The difference between EMDR and talk therapy is that the former facilitates processing trauma while the latter helps one understand trauma. Knowledge can provide mental structure, but processing allows victims to come to terms with their trauma. In her first session, Eleanor attempts to find out how disassociated Foo is by asking her to picture a very traumatic experience during the EMDR treatment. However, Foo finds she cannot muster a single moment as particularly traumatic: They all seem relatively mild to her, and she believes she has already processed them and become desensitized to them. Eleanor asks Foo to find a truly traumatic experience before their next session.