What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

Foo remains happy and optimistic about the future for five days after returning from Eleanor’s office. Then she goes out with a friend visiting from California and feels anxious and ignored all night. The next day, she wakes up in a bad mood and breaks down at the end of the day. On reflection, she realizes that her frustrations stem from the anxiety of not being seen or cared for by her friends. She realizes that EMDR did not cure her despite helping her process her trauma. Foo concludes that the dread has not disappeared just because she has developed tools and protocols to deal with it. Similarly, she now knows she was wrong about not being dissociated.

Foo explains that dissociation is a defense mechanism: It removes people from the pain and helps them survive under extreme conditions. Emotions are a luxury that can only be fully felt when danger is not imminent. One night, Foo is invited to drink with her friend Joanna. When asked about how she has been doing recently, Foo finds herself unable to answer. She has been dealing with heavy feelings of shame, and this interaction heightens her anxiety. She wishes desperately to act normal but cannot stop herself from analyzing her every word and action afterwards, wondering whether they were considerate or selfish. In the end, Foo spirals and cancels all her social plans after returning home. She begins to believe that people with trauma are pathologically depressed. She characterizes her sadness as personal, pervasive, and permanent.

Foo discusses the many ways she has tried to self-soothe, an act that helps her relieve her anxiety and cope with triggers. Although many people practice meditation and breathing exercises to calm down, Foo does not find them particularly useful. Instead, she turns to grounding exercises, which are shorter and more mindful than meditation sessions. Foo defines grounding as finding ways to stay physically and mentally in the present moment—the opposite of dissociating. This is particularly useful for her because her own form of dissociation involves becoming emotionally absent while remaining physically present.

Foo takes part in several grounding classes, one of which is restorative yoga. Her instructor, Jennifer Chang, guides the group through several yoga poses while reminding them to remain present in their body and notice details in their physiology. The session is successful in helping Foo enjoy the present moment, finding self-love through self-care.

Foo explains the science behind this exercise. The human brain has a default mode network (DMN) that is triggered when people let their minds wander. It can be considered the default state of consciousness. People with C-PTSD, anxiety, or depression often have overactive DMNs, which prevents them from living in the moment.

Drugs such as antidepressants can soothe an overactive DMN, but so can the practice of mindfulness. Feeling connected with the outside world, such as with a specific community or close family and friends, can heighten an individual’s sense of belonging and calm an overactive DMN. Foo finds that slowing down while eating to savor every bite of her meal helps her remain in the moment. She also finds counting colors a helpful grounding exercise. Although she knows she is not healed, Foo begins to realize the process of managing her C-PTSD need not always be painful or arduous.

After seeing some success in restorative yoga, Foo begins exploring other methods of healing. She tries acupuncture, breathwork, childhood trauma support groups, Buddhist talks, sound baths, and massages, each with their own limited success. However, Foo soon begins to feel overwhelmed with activities. One day, she feels herself panic about being late to her relaxation class. She notices the irony of the situation: Her inner drive for perfectionism is interfering in her attempts at self-care. In the end, she decides to cut back on some activities and focus on maintaining a balance.

Foo describes her history using hallucinogens and why she ultimately decides they are not the right solution for her, even though they have proven effective for many survivors of trauma. One lonely Christmas in college, Foo eats an eighth of an ounce of psilocybin mushrooms and experiences unconditional love during her high. This gives her the courage to take care of herself over the next few weeks. However, the effects are always temporary and the dread returns sooner or later.

After receiving her diagnosis, Foo tries psilocybin mushrooms again for the first time in many years. While high, she once again experiences a sense of self-love and inner peace. She sends grateful messages to her friends for supporting her, and when they return her compliments, she allows herself to truly absorb them. Foo realizes she is deserving of love and capable of gratitude, which are the two elements that help her fill the inner void created by the dread. This time, the lesson sticks long after the effects of the drug wear off.

Foo begins to keep a journal where she lists events that have made her feel gratitude and pride. She notes that it is always easier to enumerate ways in which people have been kind to her, whereas she finds it more difficult to think of ways she helped others. Nevertheless, the task becomes easier over time, and Foo comes to realize that it is always the small gestures that give her the most joy. She points out that “when you take the time to savor the good, you simply need less of it” (140). Gratitude and self-care have allowed Foo to feel relatively stable in the present: Her mood is no longer constantly defined by the pain of existence. Now that she is largely satisfied with life, Foo feels confident enough to delve further into her past to treat the root of her trauma.