What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

During one difficult therapy session, Foo reveals that she still struggles with abandonment even though logically she understands her new family will not leave her. Dr. Ham asks Foo to draw a circle and write emotions she is allowed to feel inside it. Outside the circle are emotions Foo should not feel. She decides happiness and occasional anger should go inside while stress and sadness should be firmly outside the circle. Once she is done, Dr. Ham laughs and comments that it looks like what a tiger mom might sketch. Then he asks her whether she would impose this circle on a child of hers. Foo of course would allow them all emotions. Dr. Ham comments that Foo is perhaps “tiger-childing” her own recovery: She is being too hard on herself when she feels negative emotions.

Healing is not a constant state of numbness or happiness. Having emotions, and occasionally strong emotions, is appropriate. People with C-PTSD might be more vulnerable than others to the social pressure to perform happiness, success, and perfection. When Foo realizes all her emotions are appropriate, she feels she has conquered the idea that PTSD is “personal, pervasive, and permanent” (297). She concludes that Dr. Ham is her anti-mother: He teaches her to unlearn negative habits taught by her parents. Over the course of 15 weeks, Foo feels her inner narrator change from a “hateful whip-bearing tyrant” to a “chill(er) surfer dude” (299). Foo learns to forgive herself for her small imperfections.

Foo and Joey plan their wedding ceremony. They hope to center the themes of gratitude and unification while making the ceremony interactive rather than solely focused on the bride and groom. Joey proposes to have his family and some of their guests help them with logistics on the day of the ceremony instead of hiring a professional crew. They help fold paper cranes, and Joey’s brother learns to play the harp.

Before Joey and Foo exchange their vows, they tell the audience that below each of their seats is a slip of paper with a message of gratitude for each of them. Every message is unique, filled with earnest love and sincere gratitude, and some guests are so touched they shed tears. Their immense joy and Foo’s own happiness fill the void inside her to the point of overflowing. Foo realizes that PTSD has clouded her vision: She is not alone.

Foo and Joey exchange their vows next, and throughout the night, guests express their gratitude. Foo has built a community around her. PTSD never fundamentally broke an essential part of her: It only shattered the image she had of herself and accentuated her flaws in her own eyes. Now she understands she is a wonder and a dependable friend. She is generous with love, and love begets love.

PTSD is only considered an illness in times of relative stability and safety; it becomes a superpower in times of danger. This is because PTSD is the result of having to respond to life-threatening scenarios. In other words, it is a mechanism that ensures survival. In the context of the COVID-19 pandemic, Foo’s C-PTSD shifts from a liability to an asset—one that allows her to thrive and to help others in need.

Neuroscientist Greg Siegle at the University of Pittsburg has found that people with C-PTSD have heightened activity in their prefrontal cortices at times of intense stress and trauma. This allows them to stay calm, focused, and rational under duress. He calls this the “Blunted and Discordant Affect Sensitivity Syndrome (BADASS)” (318). Foo finds herself less emotionally affected by the pandemic than others and thus more capable of helping friends deal with their own anxieties and anger. Being able to sympathize with others facilitates her own healing: She can feel their sadness without sharing their suffering. In sum, she is invaluable not in spite but because of her C-PTSD.

Four years after her diagnosis, Foo is on the mend. She is not healed from her C-PTSD because she knows it is part of her, just as grief and loss are also constants in life. However, she now is equipped with hope and agency: She is no longer the victim of a pathological mental disease. Foo concludes that healing is the process of filling the dread. It is characterized by fullness (of anger, love, beauty, and pain) and the task of balancing each element of this fullness is a lifelong project.