What Night Brings

“I have to tell you what I need from God. I have to change into a boy […] It’s not because I think I’m a boy, though sometimes it sure seems like I am. It’s because I like girls.” 

Marci’s sexual orientation presents another obstacle. She believes that her ability to act against Eddie or fall in love hinges on turning into a boy. In the early sections of the novel, Marci waits for God to answer this prayer. The idea of masculinity as strength manifests here; Marci does not identify as male, but she believes that becoming male will bring her power. It is a child’s understanding of a complex issue, but it also keeps her passive.

“But nothing is as scary as my dad getting mad. I can’t remember the first time he hit me, only the sound of mad feet. I’d be so scared I didn’t know who I was. It was like I was across the room watching him come after me, chase me, then catch me.” 

Marci describes her state of mind during Eddie’s outbursts like an out-of-body experience. This is significant, because it further underlines her inaction. She feels helpless against Eddie. It also establishes Marci’s experience of the world as objective. Notice she observes the beatings happening as if to someone else, but she does not experience them as the victim.

“I can’t remember hardly anything about Jesus though, since I stopped listening to the nuns when they wouldn’t answer my questions about dinosaurs. They told me I needed to be quiet and ‘rely on faith.’ Can’t they see I’m a scientist?” 

In the same way God doesn’t answers any of Marci’s prayers, her religion does not provide answers to many of her questions. This small crack in her blind faith is significant because it allows for the erosion that follows. Marci is torn between religious faith and scientific knowledge throughout the novel. Marci is a curious girl who prefers library research to Biblical explanations. This curiosity has a large impact on how she grows as a character.

“All we did during that meeting was say our names and what animal we wanted to be. There were fifteen girls there; seven said they wanted to be a cat, five a bird, one a snake, with Andrea saying she wanted to be a fish. ‘Oh, brother,’ I thought. I told everyone I wanted to be a saber-tooth tiger. They looked at me like I’d lost my mind. That is, except for the girl who wanted to be a snake.” 

Marci establishes her identity as an outsider through youthful observations. However, being different than others is not something Marci is embarrassed by; here, she is bored by normality. She also gives importance to companionship, which she finds with another outsider. This relates to her closeness with Corin and eventual friendship with Randy.

“She seemed to flow from place to place like the mercury Miss Dibble used in a science project. I felt all melty and good when I looked at her, like I’d just eaten two packs of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. She saw me and waved. Then she started walking toward me and I had to kneel down because my legs felt like they couldn’t hold me up anymore.” 

Marci often casts herself in a savior role when fantasizing about other girls. For the first time, she is caught off-guard by her physical reaction to female beauty. Not only does this validate her attraction toward other girls, it also presents romance in which she is not in a position of control. Love exists without masculinity.

“I thought it would be easier to listen if I could lean against Mom. I put my head against her arm. She didn’t look at me, or say anything. Instead, she shook her shoulder and used her elbow to push me away. Hard.” 

Marci and Delia have a distant relationship. This moment illustrates the rift between them, which further complicates their ability to leave Eddie. Delia does little to stop his outbursts, and she becomes increasingly prone to violence toward her daughters. Marci and Delia are not on the same team.

“I picked a belt that wasn’t too fat or too skinny. I knew firsthand why one or the other hurt more […] It felt weird picking out my own belt. It’s not like I ever got a choice before.” 

Eddie’s beatings are ritualistic for Marci and Corin. They recognize the sounds and looks that precede violence. Breaking the cycle of tradition is difficult for Marci, but it is significant that she uses the word “choice.” Marci plays an active role, despite the horrifying circumstances, in her own future.

“I told the truth to that priest and didn’t have to lie. He acted like everything I said was normal. It didn’t even seem like my sins were that bad. I don’t know what he would have done if he knew I was a girl. But I didn’t care because the worst was over.” 

This is another moment in which Marci finds salvation through action. Her panic at Chacón’s questions leads her toward a confession, but when she finally decides to take this action, she finds a sense of liberation. This comes through fear, not faith, showing that Marci is capable of action when pressure mounts.

“After about a minute, I saw a priest come out of the very same door as my Uncle Tommy. It looked like—it was—Father Chacón!” 

Marci fancies herself a detective, and her observations often teach her about the adults in her life and about herself. Catching Tommy and Chacón in the booth opens new mysteries for her to consider, but she doesn’t realize that it is a step toward understanding her own orientation. Tommy is another outsider, and though Marci doesn’t understand why that is, it establishes a bond between them. It is also significant that this comes directly after Marci’s confession in the novel; the booth becomes one spot in the larger church, where homosexuality lives in secret.

“When her eyes looked at him, they reminded me of my cousin Danny’s good eye, like they weren’t really seeing.” 

Marci recognizes that Danny’s surviving eye is just as damaged as the one he lost in Vietnam. Though she doesn’t have the vocabulary to express trauma or PTSD, she understands the effect that Eddie is having on her sister. The Vietnam War is often in the background of the novel, but this is one direct comparison between soldiers coming home from Vietnam and victims of domestic abuse.

“Mom ran into the living room and looked out the window like she wanted him back. I first thought this was going to be the luckiest day of my life until she turned around and I saw how much she was crying. Something told me right then that we weren’t going anywhere. Mom wasn’t going to leave my dad no matter what he did to her, or us.” 

Delia’s inability to leave Eddie does not change, but Marci’s observation of it does. She becomes increasingly cynical of Delia, and here, she seems to view her mother as a lost cause. Delia’s faith in Eddie has evolved into a need for his presence, and it serves as a warning to Marci about blind faith.

“Secretly, I opened my present. I lifted the lid off the box and there, against black cardboard, was a flicker of turquoise and silver. My very own knife.”

Grandma Flor arrives as a female savior. Though she is unable to take Marci away from Eddie, she bestows power onto her in the role of a guardian. This is the same type of weapon she once used against her own abusive husband, and its phallic shape serves as a substitute for the penis Marci has been wishing for. Flor is a feminine character but possesses power regardless; she passes that to her granddaughters. 

“But about my dad being gone, probably the best thing that happened to me and Corin was that we didn’t get whippings anymore. Our legs and arms didn’t have scabs and bruises on them […] Our house wasn’t the same anymore. It was different, but in a better way. Except for Mom being gone all day, I liked how everything was. I didn’t know it, but I guess I must of spent a lot of time being mad or afraid. It was nice being something else.”

When Eddie is gone, Marci’s family settles into a new routine that gives her time to reflect. She contemplates the way her family heals from Eddie, and in that growth, she becomes unstuck. Marci uses her time to improve herself and recognizes that Eddie paralyzed her. When he eventually returns, Marci has seen the healing power of action, and it changes her responses to Eddie. His absence is also a glimpse at a home without masculine power; it is important that Marci observes how functional and hopeful that is.

“I could never figure out why God made it so hard for people to tell the truth. If I told the truth, it would be a sin. If I didn’t tell the truth, it would be a lie, which was a sin. So either way I sinned. I hope God understood. I think he owed me that much since he wasn’t doing anything else.” 

In the same way that Marci feels paralyzed by her fear of Eddie, she is also stalled by her fear of sin. In this passage, she recognizes the complicated nature of sin and faith. However, she has not rejected God in the way she has disowned Eddie. While she is becoming more active, her religious faith is still holding her in place.

“Uncle Tommy slammed his fist into Eddie’s face. I saw my dad knocked down in one punch.” 

Tommy’s role as protector is complicated; like Marci, his fear of Eddie and the church has stunted his growth. The image of Tommy hitting Eddie is crucial to Marci’s growth because it illustrates the importance of action. Tommy hesitates to use physical violence, but his fear ultimately pushes him into it. In a burst of action, he strips Eddie’s power away—if only momentarily. This undermines Eddie’s brutality, and it does so because it comes from an outsider.

“So if being in the church makes you a homosexual queer, or a man loving a man, or lady loving a lady makes you a homosexual queer, then this must be what I am. I’m a girl. I like Raquel. That makes me a girl liking a girl, which is a homosexual queer. And since I like God, Baby Jesus, and Mary, and they’re the church, then I must be a double homosexual queer.” 

Marci’s understanding of her sexual orientation becomes more complex. Despite declaring herself a scientist, she is unable to extricate her orientation from her religion. This confusion is partly because Tommy is in a secret relationship with a priest, who represents the church. Despite the confusion, there is freedom in Marci’s convoluted understanding of homosexuality: she now has the vocabulary to describe her identity and feels even more kinship with fellow outsiders.

“We did want to kill Eddie, if that’s what you were thinking. God says not to kill, but it sure is hard to obey him with a father like Eddie. I wonder if God gave Moses those Ten Commandments for people who were in tough places like me and Corin, or were they just regular rules that he had to write to keep everybody in line?”

Marci is evolving. As Eddie’s violence becomes more frequent, she is more willing to question her beliefs. Marci is allowing herself to sin while searching for a loophole in religious doctrine. It illustrates her growing desperation, but it also points to her growth as a more logical, active character.

“Corin started crying when Eddie told us about Danny. Eddie’s eyes were watery from crying. I felt sad, but I didn’t cry. Like I said, it’s not like I was surprised. I think I was more mad than sad. I don’t know why Danny had to go to Vietnam in the first place […] It seemed that if that many people were mad about the war, then something about it was wrong.” 

Danny represents a possible future for Marci and Corin—an inability to cope with trauma leads to death. Marci first reacts to his death the way she often reacts to Eddie’s violence. She observes without emotion, and she can do so because of its inevitability. The adults in her life are unable to stop Eddie’s violence, despite knowing it’s wrong, much like American civilians at the time who protested the war. Danny’s death is a warning of the consequences of allowing Eddie to continue. Unless someone acts, his violence will inevitably lead to death.

“As soon as Eddie saw Danny, he started crying loud. He slumped over the coffin and yelled out sounds that I didn’t think could come from a man, much less Eddie.”

This is a rare moment of humanity for Eddie. The book mostly portrays him as a manipulative monster, but his emotion illustrates that he does care about others. By observing from a distance, Marci recognizes this truth without letting it affect her anger toward Eddie. More significant to her is that it strips masculinity away from Eddie, exposing his untouchable power as fleeting.

“Maybe if Eddie wants Mom back he’ll behave and will want to be just with her, but I doubt it. Why would he change? The only thing that’s different now is how he hits us. Eddie won’t change and Mom is stupid for thinking he will. But I can’t tell her that because she has a broken record inside her brain.”

While Marci has observed Delia’s inability to leave Eddie before, she is now placing part of the blame on Delia herself. Marci continues to form her own identity by pulling away from Eddie, the church, and now her mother. Marci believes her mother’s complacency makes her powerless. Marci’s reliance on curiosity and knowledge contrasts with Delia’s complacency, and her frustration drives her toward action.

“I’m starting to think that God is just the air. Sister ‘Lizabeth says that God isn’t the air because he makes it. But I don’t know who God really is anymore. The reason is that I haven’t gotten any proof that God is around like everyone says he is […] I think things might’ve happened in this world more like how my science books said.” 

Marci’s religious faith corrodes. This happens after her scheme to photograph Eddie and Wanda, in which curiosity and observation gave her the results that prayer has not. This is a moment of despair for Marci—she feels abandoned by adults and is no longer in possession of the photographs. To her, God is another protector who is not listening. As she starts to feel distant from the adults around her, so, too, does she begin to question her faith in God.

“Her eyes snapped open like she just woke up from a trance. She stared at the gun, then handed it over like she was giving me the bat for my turn at the plate.” 

Corin’s trauma manifests itself as a distant gaze, mirroring Danny upon his return from war. Just after taking drastic action—shooting Eddie—Corin is shaken from this daze. By taking away his power, she frees herself from his dominance. Danny died without moving past his trauma, but Corin’s actions secure a different outcome for herself and Marci. The violence of the scene does not startle her, indicating continued trauma despite this awakening.

“The only time I don’t see Robbie is on Sundays when she goes to church. That’s one thing I don’t do anymore. First, because Grandma gave up on God a long time ago, which is a big secret no one is supposed to know.” 

Marci redefines God as a distant protector who is as ineffective as the adults in her life. Moving away physically from those adults pairs with her spiritual distance from God. This passage also indicates a step away from masculine strength: Flor continues to represent both femininity and independence. Marci doesn’t get her wish to turn into a boy, but she doesn’t need it anymore; strength and independence aren’t contingent on masculinity. Flor has disowned God the way Marci disowned Eddie.