When You Were Everything

“I bit my lip, feeling bad that I’d teased her. ‘But, I mean, you know you’re a shoo-in for chorus. And how could they not like you?’ Layla didn’t answer, but I knew she was thinking more about the way she spoke than the way she sang. I stepped in front of her so she had to look at me. ‘Lay. Everyone loves you. And if they don’t, screw them,’ I said. Then I texted her Y.O.E. It was a code we’d had since middle school that we’d say to each other all the time. You Over Everyone.”

Cleo and Layla have developed a mutual bond through which they support one another, and this scene demonstrates Cleo’s determination to encourage Layla when she feels afraid and self-conscious. Cleo wants to put Layla’s friendship ahead of all her other relationships because this is the dynamic that the two have always followed. The passage therefore captures the significance of the girls’ friendship while also foreshadowing the ways in which it will change.

“I’m just not sure this is the best way to go about things, Cleo. I understand that you’re sad, but new memories don’t just make old ones go away. You were friends with Layla for a long time, and now you just aren’t anymore.”

In this passage, Cleo’s father challenges her to think about her friendships and memories differently. He understands why Cleo is trying to erase and remake her memories surrounding Layla but advises her to reconsider this tactic. His words foreshadow the lessons Cleo will learn about The Role of Memory in Shaping Relationships.

“I looked around the class, unsure of what planet I was on, where Jase wanted to be friends, Layla was texting someone who wasn’t me, Sloane was in our grade, and Dom was right here, sitting behind me in homeroom. I was relieved when Mr. Yoon started roll call. At least my name and my presence were things I could control—things I knew would always stay the same—even if everything around me was moving in directions that made no sense at all.”

The more changes that Cleo faces in her life, the more restless, alone, and confused she feels, and her friendship with Layla is not the only thing that is changing for her. Therefore, when she begins to encounter other unexpected events and relationships, Cleo longs for the familiar support and guidance of her best friend. As she and Layla continue to drift apart, she is learning how to cope with loss, change, and new experiences on her own terms.

“But they didn’t invite me, and maybe that was what Layla was forgetting. They invited her. I felt it in my ribs, the pain of her refusal to immediately write off someone who was hurting me, to protect me the way she always had in the past. It fractured something inside me—her choice to be loyal to them instead.”

Cleo feels betrayed and abandoned by Layla when she starts to make new friends and increasingly excludes Cleo from social events. Because their friendship has devolved so quickly and intensely, Cleo feels alone and upset when Layla starts to prioritize other friends over her. This passage captures the emotional pain Cleo is feeling as a result of her dissolving friendship with Layla.

“‘Well, ain’t you a cutie,’ she says. ‘Where’d you get all them freckles?’ She moves a few of the braids that are hanging over my eyes and tucks them behind my ear, and while the gesture feels like a ‘correction’ whenever my mom does it, with Dolly it feels a little like love. She doesn’t exactly study my face, but it kind of looks like she’s committing something about me to memory.”

The maternal tone of Dolly’s comments in this passage serve to welcome Cleo into a safe, supportive space. As a result, Cleo gravitates towards Dom Grey’s grandmother—Dolly, or Lolly—because the woman reminds her of her late grandmother, Gigi. The way that Dolly responds to Cleo in this scene offers her the comfort and care that she has been missing in her other relationships.

“‘You’re a smart girl, Cleo, but sometimes you rely too much on your head instead of your heart. This may not be something a book will help you navigate.’ I hug my knees to my chest. ‘Daddy said the same thing,’ I mutter. Mom nods. ‘If you love someone,’ she says, ‘it’s always worth it…to try.’”

Cleo’s conversations with her mother, Naomi Bell, ultimately contribute to her personal growth journey. Cleo and her mom have not always been close, but Naomi willingly opens up to Cleo and speaks to her honestly about her own relationships and personal challenges. This dialogue foreshadows the ways in which this relationship will develop over the course of the novel.

“Deep down, though, I still didn’t want to go to the party, no matter how pretty I felt in my costume. And when Layla started humming her chorus audition song to herself it felt like a sign—a bad one. Though I used to love Layla’s singing, now it just reminded me that there was this whole new section of her life that I wasn’t a part of: she was a Chorus Girl and I never would be.”

Cleo fears losing Layla because she doesn’t want her life to change. She starts to notice Layla behaving in new ways at the start of the school year. These shifts in Layla’s character terrify Cleo because she is afraid of losing people and has not yet learned how to let people go.

“‘I probably shouldn’t have t-t-told you any of that. Swear it, C-C-Cleo. Swear you really won’t t-tell anyone.’ I swallowed around a sudden lump in my throat because I didn’t know how long she’d known Sloane’s history, but I did know we never used to have secrets. She was still the keeper of mine, but it seemed she’d become the keeper of someone else’s too.”

Layla’s friendships with Sloane and the Chorus Girls contribute to the dissolution of Cleo and Layla’s relationship. Cleo wants to support Layla and to sympathize with Sloane after hearing her story, but Layla’s revelation only reminds Cleo of the ways in which their friendship is changing. This passage also foreshadows the ways in which secrets, information, and rumors will soon come between the girls.

“She says all of this while looking straight at me, and she sounds and looks like my best friend; like Lay; like the version of her I used to know. Something like hope flares inside me—a match being lighted in an endlessly dark room—and I think of my mom saying I should be honest, that only a few people in a lifetime are worth fighting for. I think of fate and Gigi and paying attention to the universe. Is this a sign that Layla is one of those people for me?”

In this scene, Cleo convinces herself that she and Layla might rekindle their friendship, because she is afraid of confronting her loss and moving forward. Therefore, she looks for signs that Layla might be the person she has always believed her to be when they have spent time together. However, the wistful tone of the quote suggests that her desperate hope for a reconciliation might not come to fruition.

“‘Oh! Oh, honey!’ Sydney jumps up, nearly spilling her drink, and wraps me in a hug. I stiffen for a second, unused to being touched, but then I relax and fall against her. I let the tears pour and Sydney doesn’t say anything. She just squeezes me even tighter.”

Cleo’s developing friendship with Sydney Cox offers her comfort and support. Cleo unexpectedly forms a bond with her new friend because Sydney is giving, empathetic, and kind. In this moment, she accepts Cleo just as she is and supports her, guiding her through her grief and towards renewal.

“The smile slowly returned to Layla’s face, the light to her eyes. She turned away from me so quickly that her bag banged into my shoulder. I stumbled a little, knocked off balance, and she didn’t even notice. It felt like the perfect metaphor for the last few months: me pushed aside again and again, and Layla enveloped in the comfort of new friends. But that day—that moment—was the first time I felt like I might deserve it.”

While the initial chapters of the novel focus on Cleo’s sense of injustice at Layla’s new distance from her, this scene represents her first real acknowledgement of the part that she herself has played in the dissolution of the friendship. In the process, she is forced to reevaluate how she sees herself. When the girls were still friends, Cleo defined herself in relation to her bond with Layla, but once their friendship ends, Cleo starts behaving in unexpected ways. Her hostile, aggressive responses to Layla and the Chorus Girls complicate Cleo’s journey of self-discovery. 

“Dom snorts. ‘It’s not like it was a relationship,’ he says, and I frown, annoyed at his reaction. Perhaps he doesn’t know how it feels…to break in this particular way. Or perhaps it’s different for boys? But girls cling to their friends for dear life as they wade through the rough waters of learning who they are while everything around and inside them is changing minute by minute. And aren’t we all a little bit in love with our best friends?”

Cleo’s grief over the end of her friendship with Layla complicates her relationships with others and challenges her to communicate her feelings in new ways. In this scene, she is attempting to make Dom understand the significance of her and Layla’s connection, and by extension, the significance of losing Layla. The passage thus conveys Cleo’s ongoing internal work to redefine the meaning of love, intimacy, and connection.

“I moved away from the table and back down the hall to my room. I slammed my door. I put on Billie Holiday and I blasted it, letting her sultry, soulful voice fill me up. I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering where Daddy would go, how far away it would be, and how often I’d get to see him now that everything was changing. For the millionth time since I’d lost her, I desperately wished Gigi were still alive. I took out my phone, and despite my earlier hesitations, I texted Layla.”

In this flurry of activity and inner fury, Cleo finds herself instinctively trying to reconnect to all of the vital relationships in her life that have now been irrevocably altered in one way or another, and it is no accident that she finally settles on trying to reconnect with Layla amidst her desperation. In this scene, the imminent divorce of her parents has further unsettled her internal and external worlds, and she feels overwhelmed and alone in the realization of this new change. Without her grandmother or her best friend, Cleo has no one to turn to for support amidst her life’s succession of changes and challenges.

“I’d barely recovered enough to try to respond. My window of opportunity was closing before I could think of what to say next. Because they were all on her side. To them, I was a pretentious jerk who didn’t know how to keep a secret or lock a door; a mean, thoughtless girl who told her friend she was ‘surprised’ she’d gotten a lead role. They saw me as this version of myself that was warped and twisted and untrue.”

Layla and the Chorus Girls’ behavior towards Cleo worsens her alienation, loneliness, and frustration. Before Layla befriended the Chorus Girls, Cleo had a more secure understanding of her own identity. However, the way that the girls judge and bully Cleo complicates how she sees herself. These interpersonal challenges contribute to Cleo’s ongoing coming-of-age story.

“To fill my time and distract myself from my new Sydneylessness, I overly commit to my new part-time job. I go to Dolly’s almost daily, and get to know Mr. Henry, aka Pop, and especially Miss Dolly really well. They ask about school and my family, what I like to do and read. I ask them about what it was like to leave everything behind and move here with just a dream in the sixties and seventies, and they tell me endless stories about a version of New York I’ll never know.”

Cleo comes to see Dolly’s diner as a safe haven: the only place that feels predictable and secure. At the diner, Cleo feels seen, heard, and valued. The setting therefore offers her a safe space to relate to others, reflect on her life, and express herself. However, the narrative implies that it also serves as an escape, enabling her to continue avoiding the true depths of her feelings about all of the changes in her life.

“Now, not even Dolly’s is safe. All this time I’ve been blaming Layla for the way things are between us. But after her, and Sydney, and now Dom, it’s clear that the problem isn’t them. It has to be me.”

Miscommunications and misunderstandings in Cleo’s friendship with Dom further unsettle Cleo’s world. Cleo has begun to rely upon Dom and the diner to impose a sense of order on her otherwise unpredictable life, but when Dom starts to push her away and Sydney reconnects with Willa Bae, Cleo feels more alone than ever and must come to terms with the fact that her past issues with Layla are tainting the ways in which she relates to her new friends. As a result, she feels compelled to examine herself more closely and adjust her behavior.

“I stood up. I looked around, and it was strange that the world around me had remained unchanged. My backpack was still heavy, and my weathered copy of Othello was still beside the keyboard. I shoved it hard and low into my bag before I walked away, thinking about jealousy and lies and betrayal—all things that had felt so far away from my life the last time I read the play. All things that were consuming me now, from the inside out.”

Cleo’s decision to email the entire school about Sloane and her ex-boyfriend Todd’s relationship history marks a distinct change in Cleo’s character. Cleo decides to send the email because she is desperate for revenge against Sloane, but by giving in to the need for revenge, she is ironically succumbing to the themes in Shakespeare’s Othello, one of her favorite stories. At the same time, her vengeful behavior underscores how frustrated and isolated she feels.

“Miss Dolly looks concerned, but I want to make it clear to her that this isn’t about me. ‘What can I do to make things better between us? I’m still learning how to be his friend.’ And as soon as I say it, I know this is what I failed to do with Layla—she changed and I didn’t adapt. Maybe I changed too, and she didn’t try to learn what the new me needed either. I don’t want that to happen with Dom. ‘I don’t know how to give him what he needs, I guess. I want to be the best friend I can be.’”

In this moment, Cleo’s failed friendship with Layla gives her a new perspective on her other friendships and relationships, and she resolves not to let her new connections fail in a similar fashion. When she and Dom get into a disagreement, Cleo does not cut Dom out of her life. Instead, she tries to understand what her friend needs and how she might help him. Her conversation with Dolly about the issue conveys her desire to grow and her ability to change.

“I hadn’t planned to say all that, but once it was out, I realized it had been building for forever. And it was all true. There was also so much about my life now that she didn’t even know. At this very moment, my father was unpacking boxes in a different apartment and it felt like nothing would ever be the same again with us or with my family. I hadn’t gotten into the Shakespeare program, and I felt inadequate in every way a person could. I was lost in my own life, and I didn’t know how to get found.”

Cleo’s anxiety over her familial and academic disappointments influences how she interacts with others. She snaps at Layla after the play because she hasn’t yet resolved her internal unrest over her parents’ divorce and her London rejection letter. This passage marks a turning point in Cleo’s internal journey, however, because she finally acknowledges the fact that she is confused and needs help.

“I don’t believe the rumor—no way—but there’s clearly more to why Daddy left Chisholm. If Sloane isn’t lying, Layla knows something, and that makes me more upset than maybe anything else. That she kept something this big and painful from me but told Sloane. And while I’d love to say I’m surprised, I’m not. At all. I want the truth, so I know I need to go straight to the source.”

Sloane’s rumor changes Cleo’s perspective and inspires her to take decisive action to improve her life. Her conversation with Sloane about the rumor makes her understand that she cannot direct all of her anger at Sloane and must communicate more effectively with her parents about the matter in order to resolve her inner turmoil.

“‘Thing is,’ Willa continues, ‘you kinda have to go through the dark to be sure you’re okay. And like, while I get the sentiment behind the project, why not just make brand-new memories instead of overwriting old ones? You don’t have to erase the bad things to be happy. Besides, the dark shit is important to remember too.’”

Cleo’s new friendships with Sydney and Willa usher her towards reconciliation, growth, and change. In this scene, Willa speaks openly with Cleo about her personal challenges because she genuinely cares about Cleo. In turn, Cleo feels supported and encouraged to make positive changes without relinquishing the more unpleasant memories that have taught her harsh life lessons.

“‘Do you like it for its beauty or for its meaning?’ There’s a light in his eyes that isn’t normally there, and I want to give him the answer that will make me seem smart and interesting and worth knowing. I’ve decided to trust him, and I want to prove that he should trust me too.”

Cleo’s developing friendship with Dom challenges her to redefine her understanding of intimacy and closeness. Because Dom is a deep thinker with a sensitive spirit, Cleo feels that she can trust and relate to him. This scene at Dom’s house marks a turning point in the characters’ relationship and illustrates a positive change in Cleo’s perspective.

“I pull Willa to me and tell Sydney to huddle closer too, deciding to trust them; deciding that life is hard enough without facing it all alone. I became friends with Layla while I wasn’t watching, and we fell apart that way too, but with Willa and Sydney, every piece of us has been a choice. I will choose them every day that they choose me back, and I’ll be the best friend I can.”

By the end of the novel, Cleo learns how to embrace the complications of friendship and work through disagreements instead of running away. The jazz club scene with Cleo, Sydney, and Willa conveys Cleo’s newfound willingness to open herself to others and to accept her friends for who they are.